It's a "holiday sweater" because most hybrid drivers are Wiccans and don't celebrate Christmas. It's made in Austin because the city's full of people with enough time to knit a car sweater. And it's beige-ish because it's a Prius.

Merry Christmas, you unbearable neo-Yuppie hybrid-driving shits. I hope you accidentally drive into the parts of East Austin that you haven't gentrified yet on your way to yoga class and someone who really needs a sweater steals it from you.


I hope you do actually elect a crossdressing homeless person mayor and it turns out he/she is actually super conservative and remembers the time you almost ran him/her down while trying to cross the street to the Wheatsville Co-Op and bans all hybrid cars.

I hope your cupcake food cart is run out of business by a big evil corporate cupcake company and you can't afford to live in the 78704 and have to move to a less desirable zipcode.

I hope every band follows Spoon's lead and moves to Portland and you're left with Fastball.


I hope your special VIP badges to SXSW get lost in the mail and you're forced to wait in line with 9,000 other people outside of Stubbs just to get close enough to hear David Sedaris talk about the complex joys of simple people.

I hope you never get that table at Magnolia.

Good luck getting bat shit out of crochet. NAMASTE!