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Stolen Bike - $500 Reward - No Questions Asked (10th and C)

Illustration for article titled Stolen Bike - $500 Reward - No Questions Asked (10th and C)

So what if bikes are the epitome of evil to many auto-obsessed Manhattanites, this shit's funny.

Some assmaster stole my custom made, heavy, rusty Bologna bike at 10th & C last night.
I'll give anyone who returns it $500 cash, no questions asked.
I'll also give $1k for the thief's nads on a stick

Yes way.

Here are some photos (of the bike, not the nads) -

It's a lot rustier now, and it has a black seat, black rubber oray grips, and riser bars.
It's been passed on from generation to generation in my family for almost 3,000 years.
I'd really like to give it to my son some day.

And if you're the thief, and you're reading this, please give it back. I'll give you the five hundred bucks.

If you don't, I will call Dog the Bounty Hunter, Bobba Fett, and Bear Gryls, and they will have a 3 way, and that 3 way will produce a son, and that son will be raised by Tito Ortiz, and on his 18th birthday, he and I will come to your house, and fuck your shit up.

Thank you for your time.

***update*** my friend has offered to show her boobs to anyone who finds my bike. So now it's $500, and boobs, or get your ass kicked in 2029 by myself and the ultimate justice baby.


[Craigslist via @RobertGorell]

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Hipster alert. I see but one lone gear.