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Project Car Hell, Teutonic Nemesis Edition: BMW 750iL or Porsche 928?

Illustration for article titled Project Car Hell, Teutonic Nemesis Edition: BMW 750iL or Porsche 928?

Welcome to Project Car Hell, where you choose your eternity by selecting the project that's the coolest... and the most hellish! The lowly flatworm can learn to avoid pain, but not us.


Even with countless real-world cautionary tales to warn us, we persist in being tempted by terrifyingly complex German luxury hot rods of the 1980s and 1990s. Why, even after having all your fingers roasted down to charred stumps by the merest touch of a cheap Porsche 928 or V12 BMW project, when you see one priced at just a grand… well, maybe you won't get burned this time! That's why we can't help but keep returning to these two fine machines, though we've seen them in the Hell Garage before.

Illustration for article titled Project Car Hell, Teutonic Nemesis Edition: BMW 750iL or Porsche 928?

This is a photograph of one of the Porsche 928's electrical panels. Looks complicated, doesn't it? The sort of thing that might be a bit intimidating when you have to puzzle out the cause behind some bizarre malfunction… but hey, maybe this 1982 Porsche 928 (go here if the ad disappears) will be 100% reliable for you! Just find a new transmission for it- 5-speed, of course- and you'll be well on your way to building your very own lightweight 928 track car. The seller would like to get $999 for it, which means that this Porsche has depreciated a head-clutching 98.8% (adjusting for inflation) since 1982. How can that be? At that price, we suggest you pick up a couple of parts cars, because what are the odds that all three of your 928s will have the same broken stuff?

You'd enjoy driving that 928, if when you got it in driving shape, but let's say you're in Tonopah Las Vegas (having just taken Nickel Nick's Hot Slots And Guaranteed Ptomaine Free $1.99 Buffet the Bellagio for $17.43 $88,000 at the keno board high-rollers-only baccarat tables) and you spy a couple of scurrilous meth-addicted teenage runaways attractive young ladies (or men, depending on your proclivities and/or gender) who appear willing to do anything for a sawbuck ready for a night on the town. Do you make one of them crawl into the Porsche's back seat, like a rat crawling into a hole gnawed in a hot-sheet flophouse's bathroom baseboard, or do you get yourself a genuine V12-powered four-door car? The latter, of course, and this 1988 BMW 750iL (go here if the ad disappears) is just calling your name! We're pretty sure that BMW's marketers didn't target the 750il at buyers who would refer to their pride and joy as a "nice ass rare car," as this seller does, so we're pretty sure this isn't the car's original owner. There is definitely might be something terrifyingly expensive challenging wrong with the engine, as the seller states in this subtle poem:

its starting to blow white smoke
from the exhaust and
i dunno
if sumthings going bad
thats y im
selling it for so cheap

While you're dealing with that pair of cracked heads minor tuneup, you can start shopping for some really cool-looking wheels, because this seller is giving you the opportunity to choose the most beautiful wheels in the world for your new 750il. That's right, "all u need to do is bring some wheels cause it doesnt have any and then u can take it home."

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Having briefly owned a 88 750iL, I'll have to vote for it. Mine was close to PCH status. The gas tank was held on by only one strap and the rear suspension had some abortive attempt at lowering. I traded a 87 Ford Bronco to get the BMW (The engine in the Bronco blew the next week so I actually got the better deal!). I kept the V-12 for about two months, it was two weeks before I trusted it enough to put a full tank of gas in it. The battery would snap and pop if you pressed down on the rear seat (on top of the battery) and while driving it to trade everything mysteriously shut down for about 2 seconds. I traded the BMW for a 1979 Ford Ranchero.