You know how I foolishly insist on making these posts about costumes for your car nearly every Halloween? And you know how you all called me names when you didn’t think I’d hear you and pelted me with roots and tubers and assorted offal? Well, now, thanks to the grim specter of the Coronavirus, it actually seems like dressing up your car in a costume and not leaving it will be the safest, most rational way to enjoy Halloween! Who’s laughing now, you monsters? Me, that’s who, me!
And so yet again I’m going to show you the absolute finest, best car-costumes you can make or, hypothetically, buy, for your car this Halloween. You’re welcome. Here we go:
If you want to do something really scary, why not dress your car up as a Tesla, on Autopilot, with the driver blissfully sleeping at the wheel, likely dreaming of being retweeted by Elon Musk before being invited over to his sky-mansion where he’ll ask to to referee complex acts of AI-enhanced loveplay between himself and Grimes!
This costume is great because it’s very real and scary in the creepiest ways—silent, fast, and could strike at any minute, without warning. Like Jaws, but stupider.
If you’re looking for just a good, old-school, jump-scare, rapid pants-soiling, unwittingly-ejecting-pencil-girthed-columns-of-urine kind of costume for your car, you just can’t go wrong with a nice oversized new BMW M4-style kidney grille mask.
It’s not even comically oversized! It’s just that fucking big and scary!
If you’re more into that more unsettling, creepier sort of costume, something scary in a more David Lynch/all-of-reality-seems-wrong kind of way, then you can’t go wrong with the Creepy Punished Toddler Dolls You See Boomers Put Against Their Bel Airs At Classic Car Shows costume.
This costume has ten of these creepy-ass, faceless fucking things that strap to either side of your car, guaranteed to make anyone who sees your vehicle want to wash a lot and go home. What more could you ask of a car-costume?
Maybe I’m biased, but I say the humble little Changli is the car personality to want to celebrate in 2020. That’s why I say if you want a fun car-related costume, you can make a Changli out of papier-mâché or fiberglass or carbon fiber or fucking cake, even, and wear it, ideally paired with some sexy boots for that Halloween classic of sexy-whatever costume.
Or, just buy a whole Changli and drive it around as your costume. That’s my plan this year.
Hey! Why not make your car into a rolling Year 2020 costume! Just fill it full of manure and set it on fire, then roll it, un-passengered, down a road into a ravine or something!
That’s it. That’s the costume.