All image credits: Smith & Associates Real Estate
All image credits: Smith & Associates Real Estate

You know how sometimes you just want to escape to a simple life? Avoid all the complications of the metropolis and withdraw into something modest and quaint for a change? Well, you wouldn’t, what with all your loans to pay off, but just use your imagination for a second. I’m feeling generous today and I want to show you this little piece of property I like to use as a summer cottage.

Situated on a petite 36 acres and at 36,361 square feet, the waterfront cottage has 12 full bathrooms and 14 half bathrooms. I don’t like to bathe or have my hands washed in the same bathroom on different days of the week, you see. Just a little oddity of mine! There are also eight bedrooms—not for guests, God no—but for the traveling menagerie I keep with me at all times. The tiger just mauled a servant this morning, bless her heart.

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Illustration for article titled Welcome To My Summer Cottage

So, if you’ll just step into my foyer, we can get started. You like the floors? I had the tiles walked over from Morocco. No, like, I mean I made my servants carry them, by hand, and walk here from Morocco. Of course I let them take a boat where necessary! I’m not a monster.

Illustration for article titled Welcome To My Summer Cottage

This is the room where I take many of my business calls and meetings. It’s very hard to get blood out of all the light-colored upholstery, but I just couldn’t resist this color scheme. And hydrogen peroxide really does wonders on the stains.

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Illustration for article titled Welcome To My Summer Cottage

Much of my entertaining happens here. When you open all those French doors, the breeze blows over the water and right into the house. Sometimes money—literal bills of it—blow in as well. It’s really quite delightful.

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Illustration for article titled Welcome To My Summer Cottage

Here is where I take most of my meals. Never anything heavy, just a taste of caviar, a sip of champagne. It is summer, after all. Don’t be fooled by the large number of chairs. They aren’t for underlings such as yourselves, they’re for my best friends, the Brands. Rolls-Royce, Bentley and Aston Martin. They’ve always looked after me so.

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Illustration for article titled Welcome To My Summer Cottage

I don’t spend much time in here. But I believe it is where the staff prepare most of the meals. Perhaps they also sleep there? I am unsure.

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Illustration for article titled Welcome To My Summer Cottage

Here is where I withdraw to do my best scheming and plotting. Why, the assassination of [REDACTED] was dreamed up in this very room!

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Illustration for article titled Welcome To My Summer Cottage

This is my Thursday bedroom. I only spend Thursdays in here, but lately I’m thinking I might convert it to my Thursday Afternoon Coke Nap Room. You know. Switch things up a bit.

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Illustration for article titled Welcome To My Summer Cottage

A particular favorite bathroom of mine. I can’t tell you how many rosewater soaks I’ve had in that tub while slurping martinis and flinging cocktail olives at the gardener. Divine.

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Illustration for article titled Welcome To My Summer Cottage

What am I hiding in all these closets? That’s for me to know and you to never find out. Drugs!? Who said anything about drugs?

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Admittedly, these rooms do not get used much. The games are not really any fun anymore since I lost once to the maid and had to subsequently banish her to one of my desert properties to oversee the counting of sand. The rest of the help wasn’t too keen on playing with me anymore after that.

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Anyway. Let’s go outside!

Illustration for article titled Welcome To My Summer Cottage
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Obviously, there’s a pool. Duh. It’s a saltwater pool and actually filled with the tears of my enemies. They cry a lot. They have good reason to.

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Here is where I sit and contemplate market domination.

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The horses live here. Only the finest living arrangements for the finest beasts with the cleanest bloodlines money can buy. Once, I found the stable boy sleeping in here. He went fishing and never came back.

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This is a room for my cars. I can’t bear the thought of them having to sleep outside at night. I do drive myself around, you know. You think my life is just endless chauffeured ride after another? (It is.) But sometimes I enjoy slumming it in a Lamborghini. It makes me feel more connected with the people.

Illustration for article titled Welcome To My Summer Cottage
Screenshot: Google Maps
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And finally, yes, there is a little driving circuit on the property. Nothing huge, just eight little turns. Sometimes, when I’m bored, I make the servants race each other with skateboards on it. The winner gets a hot meal. They’re very motivated.

I’m thinking about selling soon. Oh, yes. Are you interested? I’ll even consider a deal for you, what with your existing loans and everything. How does $17.5 million sound? Call up Smith & Associates Real Estate if you’re interested.

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via Road & Track

Writer at Jalopnik and consumer of many noodles.

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