Here Are A Bunch Of Names For Spaceships And Warships That Are Maybe A Bit Insulting To Famous People

Illustration for article titled Here Are A Bunch Of Names For Spaceships And Warships That Are Maybe A Bit Insulting To Famous People

Often while I’m out driving, minding my own business, I’ll see a burning mattress mounted on some bicycle wheels that gets pushed in front of my car, blocking my progress. Then, I’ll be accosted by a crowd of people who will drag me out of my car window, pin me to a wall, and demand I provide them with names for fictional spaceships or conventional naval vessels. Usually, they want names that are perhaps a bit offensive to famous people, or just a bit off-putting. I always try my best, and, in an effort to minimize the burning mattresses I encounter, I’d like to provide everyone with such a list of vessel names. Sound good?

These names should work equally well for spacecraft or ocean-going naval vessels in your stories, screenplays, personal reveries, or video game sagas. Some have been specified as spacecraft or ocean vessels, but most should be interchangable.

I’ve tried to organize them into categories, so that you may more easily find the sort of vessel name that suits you. I usually like to give the vessels a name, and then name the larger class of vessel it belongs to, along with a simple description of the vessel type.


Vessels Named For Celebrities With A Slightly Offensive Reference To Other Celebrities They Always Get Mixed Up With:

USS Prudhomme, a Deluise-class heavy cruiser
USS Busey, a Nolte-class warship
USS Paxton, a Pullman-class frigate
HMS Knightly, a Portman-class fast attack ship

Vessels Named For Contrast-Based Jokes, Sometimes At The Expense Of A Person

USS Nathan Lane, a Murder-class destroyer
HMS Disembowler, a Cuddle-class loveship
USS Tila Tequila, a Sanity-class research vessel
AOT Greta Thunberg, a Careless-class oil tanker
HMS Boris Johnson, a Groomed-class hospital ship

Just Brutal Or Crude

USS Stephen Miller, a Fucknut-class sewage tanker
SS Martin Shkreli, a Shitstain-class gunnery target
USS Lena Dunham, an Insufferable-class barge
USS Elon Musk, an Insecure-class orbital self-aggrandizement platform
SS Chevy Vega, an artificial reef

Now These Are Just Stupid

USS Sudsy Monkey, a Maytag-class heavily armed laundry ship
HMS Tenderarea, an Infected-class submersible
SS Wildfire, an Equus-class high-speed horse transport spacecraft
USS Floatygiggle, a Chucklenub-class high-security clown prison ship
CSS Dampdiapers, a Pampers-class waste management submarine

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!:

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