Often while I’m out driving, minding my own business, I’ll see a burning mattress mounted on some bicycle wheels that gets pushed in front of my car, blocking my progress. Then, I’ll be accosted by a crowd of people who will drag me out of my car window, pin me to a wall, and demand I provide them with names for fictional spaceships or conventional naval vessels. Usually, they want names that are perhaps a bit offensive to famous people, or just a bit off-putting. I always try my best, and, in an effort to minimize the burning mattresses I encounter, I’d like to provide everyone with such a list of vessel names. Sound good?

These names should work equally well for spacecraft or ocean-going naval vessels in your stories, screenplays, personal reveries, or video game sagas. Some have been specified as spacecraft or ocean vessels, but most should be interchangable.

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I’ve tried to organize them into categories, so that you may more easily find the sort of vessel name that suits you. I usually like to give the vessels a name, and then name the larger class of vessel it belongs to, along with a simple description of the vessel type.

Vessels Named For Celebrities With A Slightly Offensive Reference To Other Celebrities They Always Get Mixed Up With:

USS Prudhomme, a Deluise-class heavy cruiser
USS Busey, a Nolte-class warship
USS Paxton, a Pullman-class frigate
HMS Knightly, a Portman-class fast attack ship


Vessels Named For Contrast-Based Jokes, Sometimes At The Expense Of A Person

USS Nathan Lane, a Murder-class destroyer
HMS Disembowler, a Cuddle-class loveship
USS Tila Tequila, a Sanity-class research vessel
AOT Greta Thunberg, a Careless-class oil tanker
HMS Boris Johnson, a Groomed-class hospital ship


Just Brutal Or Crude

USS Stephen Miller, a Fucknut-class sewage tanker
SS Martin Shkreli, a Shitstain-class gunnery target
USS Lena Dunham, an Insufferable-class barge
USS Elon Musk, an Insecure-class orbital self-aggrandizement platform
SS Chevy Vega, an artificial reef


Now These Are Just Stupid

USS Sudsy Monkey, a Maytag-class heavily armed laundry ship
HMS Tenderarea, an Infected-class submersible
SS Wildfire, an Equus-class high-speed horse transport spacecraft
USS Floatygiggle, a Chucklenub-class high-security clown prison ship
CSS Dampdiapers, a Pampers-class waste management submarine