The worst part about buying yet another supercar with my monthly allowance from Mom and Dad, which they give me as part of our agreement that I leave them be to day drink and flirt with the young tennis instructors at the country club or whatever, isn’t that I’ll have to forgo my usual expenses—a private jet to the islands, giving my poorer friends a vacation home as their wedding gift—for the next 30 days. (And trust me, that’s a lesson in budgeting on its own.) It’s that when I go to buy the damn car, they start asking me all of these questions.
What color do I want the car to be? What about the contrast stitching? The floor mats? How about the material for the center console? Do I want wood accents, or something else? If wood, what kind? Embroidery on the headrests, yes? The exterior accents—chrome, black or carbon? Do I want the brand badges made of solid yellow or white gold? Rose, maybe? Or carbon fiber, for weight savings?
Hell, Rolls-Royce even asks me if I want art commissions on the interior and makes me look at its paint colors under every kind of lighting on the globe, in case that pink isn’t exactly the right hue should I decide to fly my Phantom to Spain for a day cruise. McLaren gives me starter color templates, so I know what may look good together depending on my mood.
It is exhausting, I tell you, and almost makes me regret buying the car. After all, that could’ve been another vacation house. Or a trip to the islands.
But Bugatti, a car company that understands my needs and desires, isn’t putting me through that with the new Chiron Noire special edition, which starts at more than $3.3 million. The model is meant as a tribute to the La Voiture Noire, which is the name of two Bugatti cars—one from the late 1930s and one from 2019—because everything is a tribute to everything when you’re a Brand with a lot of Pride.
And you see, “La Voiture Noire” literally means “The Black Car.” It’s all black. Black, black, black. There is no “What kind of wood do you want?” or “Which gold would you like the emblem to be?” There are no starting color palettes to give me inspiration on what to choose, when I really should be paying someone to do that for me. Nope. It’s black. Interior. Exterior. Everything. All black.
There also isn’t a mechanical choice past deciding between a regular Chiron or the lighter-weight Chiron Sport, since most Chirons come with Bugatti’s 8.0-liter W16 engine that makes a rated 1,500 horsepower—enough to leave my family issues behind in a materialistic and unhealthy manner.
Finally, a supercar purchase that doesn’t require mental labor from me, the buyer. This is how it should be.
The only choice I will have is between the Chiron Noire Elegance and the Chiron Noire Sportive, with one being elegant and one being “sportive.” I will probably choose both, as making decisions isn’t my forte.
The Noire Elegance is covered in exposed carbon fiber, which is black, and a black Bugatti emblem on the front. The calipers are black, the engine cover is black, and the interior is black. It’s like staring into a black hole, which has approximately the same gravitational pull as my parents do, given their bloodlines and wealth and such. Too bad they paid me off to never be seen with them again after that one public incident, and have retired to the country club and its tennis instructors. Forgiveness is the mark of true greatness, I say.
Anyway, my other new car, the Noire Sportive, is also very black. It covers the exposed carbon fiber and approximately everything else in matte black, and the interior is “even more dominated by black” than it is in the other model. The run is limited to 20 vehicles, which means I will have a large percentage of it.
And you know, everyone I’ve ever talked to has said that Bugattis are better than family anyway. I will surely be very happy when I get them, and won’t order more new supercars when the next check arrives in a few weeks.
Perhaps I will even name them Mom and Dad. These two can’t disown me, after all, because I own them. It’s all very poetic.