Hello my lovelies. I know it’s been a while. Did you think I’d forgotten about you? Of course I haven’t! Even I need a captive audience from time to time. Without you, I just have captives, and those get very dull, what with all their constant crying and begging. It’s enough to drive anyone to violence.
Not that it’s any of your business, but I’ve been laying low recently. Thanks to some questionable natural gas deals in Ukraine, I’ve had to work pretty hard to keep my name out of the papers I don’t yet own. It’s not my problem every time some rival company’s board gets wiped out by an apparent team of covert mercenaries! Shadow wars—hell, even life itself—are just so unfair sometimes. That’s why you have to hoard the precious metals and buy real estate in countries with no extradition laws.
Anyway, I’m taking a rare outing from the fortress today to pick up my new toy. It’s the Aston Martin DBX (which none of you can have yet), but since I own the yacht and Aston is currently building me that fancy building in Miami, I get dibs. The car itself will do the necessary job of flattening children’s sand castles at the beach, but just look at the accessories! Oh, girl.
The DBX will come with 11 accessory packs, according to a press release. Here’s a quick run-through.
Snow Pack: a ski bag, a roof-mounted ski rack, snow chains and a boot warmer for when you’re about to raze an alpine village for your new ski resort and don’t want to get cold feet.
Touring Pack: a four-piece luggage set, cabin saddle bags, lockable stowage beneath the front passenger seat and an emergency first-aid kit I can fill with my best friends ketamine, cocaine and caviar.
Pet Pack: a partition to give my tiger its own space in the trunk of the car. “If muddy puddles have been an integral feature of a day’s activities, then the portable washer is an ideal solution for keeping the countryside on the outside of the car,” Aston writes. Muddy puddles, puddles of blood. There’s no difference as far as staining the upholstery is concerned. Good feature!
Essentials Pack: useful accessories are bundled together in the center console organizer. This is where I’ll keep my sanity.
Event Pack: a modular picnic hamper, picnic blanket and event seating, plus extra umbrella storage. Perfect for lounging about on a hilltop while overseeing the construction of my new high rise in Bali. Truly can’t think of a better event than that.
Expression Pack: special finishes to the DBX, plus comfort headrests for my weary head after a long day of displacing the locals.
Sanctuary Pack: one for the staff. Includes an indoor car cover (who the fuck parks their cars outside? Poor people like you, that’s who) and a clean and care kit.
Interior Protection Pack: all-weather floor and load space mats, rear bumper protectors and seat covers. Sometimes I need to have meetings while on the move and don’t want cheap, off-the-rack business suits shitting up my leather.
Bike Pack: pass.
Adventure Pack: mud flaps, roof cross bars, wet bag storage (for the bodies) and heavy-duty tread plates.
And lastly, my favorite. The Field Sport Pack. I won’t go into detail, but getting this pack approved involved smashing some poor exec’s face into his keyboard thirty or forty fucking times until he relented and included it on the car. The pack includes a gun cabinet and shooting stick. And let me tell you, what. A. Godsend. It is so inconvenient to just throw your guns into the trunk of a car like some low-life. They need their own dedicated space.
Hunting season is upon us and we need to be prepared. The Most Dangerous Game just happens to be my favorite game.