Aston Martin Is Getting Into The 'Evil Lair' Business

Illustration for article titled Aston Martin Is Getting Into The Evil Lair Business
Image: Aston Martin

Do you suspect that your car might be a super villain? Do you suspect that you, too, might be a super villain, perhaps by virtue of holding entire cities captive or taking so many trips in your private jet that you are, in fact, helping accelerate the murder of the biggest entity on the planet: the planet itself?

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Well, then, does Aston Martin have the product for you!

Illustration for article titled Aston Martin Is Getting Into The Evil Lair Business
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Aston Martin announced its new “Aston Martin Automotive Galleries and Lairs” design service Thursday, oddly saying nothing about its pursuit of the super-villain market. Perhaps research has shown that super villains prefer to not be referred to as such because, you know, people might get suspicious.

But the idea is to let people choose whether they want Aston Martin to design a fancy garage or an entire “home or luxury retreat,” built to show off either just one “automotive work of art”—like a Valhalla or a DB5, Aston said—or a “full collection in a private museum.”

Illustration for article titled Aston Martin Is Getting Into The Evil Lair Business

The concept photos seem as if the “lairs” would look almost like CGI to the rest of the world—all of whom are poor and not as good as you, the owner—as you gaze upon your acres of manicured land from a glass wall at the back of your oddly large but empty office, where much can’t possibly get done because it’s as bleak and barren as the lands you conquered before arriving at this one. Anyone who has spoken up about the colossal waste of space, though, has mysteriously vanished. As such, you’ve forgotten about their valued input.

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“A real shame,” you tell the FBI, with a click of your lips, as they visit your lair. “Are we done here? I really must get going.”

Illustration for article titled Aston Martin Is Getting Into The Evil Lair Business
Image: Aston Martin
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Aston Martin, as of this writing, had not yet said whether frickin’ sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their frickin’ heads would come standard with the lairs, or whether that feature would be an optional upgrade.

Staff writer, Jalopnik

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DISCUSSION

ikazuchi
It's a "Porch-uh"

Dear Aston Martin: Please design me a lair with my Cygnet as the centerpiece. My budget is $20M.