Nobody came to the office this past Friday except Patrick and I. It was miserable. To enhance our misery further in this lousy world, we decided to have an argument about cars. A cargument, if you will. Because food in cars is disgusting, and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

This is the fourth episode of Carguments, a new series for us in which, basically, we turn a camera at ourselves when we’re normally screaming at each other at our desks.

There are few things I find more utterly revolting than food in cars. Cars are designed to get you from one place to another at their most basic, and that is the opposite of having food. In fact, it’s opposite to our very God-given nature, as we were meant to relax and enjoy our meals, back in the day, on the African savannah. Not speeding along in a leather chair with a giant leather-wrapped wheel in front of your face, like a GLORY BOY.

Wrappers get everywhere, unusual odors get everywhere, crumbs and detritus gets everywhere. You have one little bowl of chili in the driver’s seat, and your car is forever totaled. Might as well get a new one.


If we don’t draw our line for civilization here, we might as well be smoking meth and clawing out our own eyeballs (you know what? Don’t click that. I promise, it’s not worth it).

But Patrick, as we’ve learned, has many bad opinions. He likes a good meal-on-the-go, and most days I sit, silently stewing at this injustice. But I couldn’t let these feelings go by any longer. It was time for a cargument.