Radical Change In Oversize Novelty Car Bow Industry Causes Full-On Shitstorm

Illustration for article titled Radical Change In Oversize Novelty Car Bow Industry Causes Full-On Shitstorm

A press release this morning from Car Bow Store revealed the most radical change in the novelty oversize car gift bow industry since its inception, and now the entire car bow economy is reeling from the implications. The fundamental car bow hood-affixing technology has shifted from magnets to suction cups, and it’s safe to say the world will never be the same.


The reason for the unexpected and deeply shocking shift in bow mounting tech has to do with the automotive industry’s widespread adoption of aluminum body panels, especially in the use of front hoods, by far the most popular mounting point for novelty oversize bows.

According to the press releases sent today:

Car Bow Store announced today the release of a new line of car bows which adhere to the hoods of vehicles with a giant suction cup. This new product is a reaction to the trend of auto manufacturers aggressively shifting towards aluminum components in their vehicles including aluminum hoods and body panels which are lighter and more fuel efficient than steel. This change is quickly making traditional magnetic car bows obsolete. According to Michael Rudolph, president of Car Bow Store, “The suction cup is the ideal choice for securing a car bow since it is effective with steel, aluminum, and fiberglass hoods and is softer and more scratch-resistant than a magnetic base.”

Reaction to Car Bow Store’s new direction and the sudden obsolesce of magnet-based novelty oversized car bows has been swift and dramatic:

Illustration for article titled Radical Change In Oversize Novelty Car Bow Industry Causes Full-On Shitstorm

The tweets were just the start. In a conversation with Nathan Faiknomen, spokesperson for the American Oversized Bow Manufacturer’s Guild, which covers oversize bows for not just cars, but also light aircraft and large appliances, the full scope of the industry’s rage became apparent.

CarBowStore’s website is currently under a DDoS attack, and their physical showroom in Pennsylvania has been vandalized with chunks of lodestone thrown through the windows. The loadstone is, of course, magnetic, making the message very clear.


“The oversized bow industry has always been volatile and passionate, but this level of outrage strongly suggests support from the Novelty Magnet Union,” said Faiknomen.


The Novelty Magnet Union stands to lose a lot of revenue to their most hated rivals, the Suction Devices Co-Prospertity Alliance, and many in the industry feel that the explosive fight in the car bow space is just a proxy war between the magnet supporters and the suction cup supporters.

Even with tensions so high, everyone is hoping to avoid a repeat of the 1981 Flexible Magnetic Sign Massacre, when a tradeshow featuring the first magnetic-backed, flexible vehicle door signs was attacked by Suction Alliance supporters, who killed 11 magnetic sign industry workers by suffocating them with plastic bags, and hanging the corpses via strong, top-of-the-line plunger-grade suction cups from the building’s rafters.


A press release from the over-arching organization, the Benevolent and Protective Order of Makers Of Things that Stick on Cars, issued the following statement:

“We cannot have a repeat of the 1981 Massacre. I implore everyone involved to look inside yourselves and remember that we’re all children of the same mother here. We need to combine forces and attack the real enemy: the automakers that shifted to a new material without properly consulting the oversize bow makers. To arms!”


This will get worse before it gets better. More as it develops.

Note: The press release is all true, but I may have made up some of the reactions. Or all of them.

Senior Editor, Jalopnik • Running: 1973 VW Beetle, 2006 Scion xB, 1990 Nissan Pao, 1991 Yugo GV Plus, 2020 Changli EV • Not-so-running: 1977 Dodge Tioga RV (also, buy my book!: https://rb.gy/udnqhh)


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