We’ve actually discussed this before, years ago, but a chance sighting of an eBay listing reminded me that or work is not done. Here’s what you need to know: for some reason, there are still people propping terrifying, faceless toddler dolls on their cars at car shows. This needs to stop. Now.
So far, human behavior science has yet to come up with a valid reason why an otherwise rational human being would choose to have what appears to be a taxidermy’d toddler hiding their face up against the car they’ve spent so much time and attention on.
The dolls are known as “time out dolls,” suggesting that the reason the dolls are alarmingly faceless is because they’re intended to suggest a state of punishment; the dolls obscured-face positioning is meant to suggest an attitude of contrition, as though the fake-preschooler had just committed some infraction, and must now pay the price by pressing his or her face up against the unyielding chrome of some Bel Air’s bumper.
Why the fuck would anyone want this? Are they thinking yes, yes, car-show patrons, revel in the glory of my numbers-matching Chevelle as this tiny four-year-old in overalls takes his punishment! Behold my chromed air cleaner, as you feel the guilt of this bad, bad boy right by your feet! Drink it in! It intoxicates!
I’m sure we can all agree that it in no way overstates the issue when I say this practice is a blight on our very humanity, and all resources must be employed to insure it stops. Forever.
Sure, there’s probably a First Amendment argument here, but I suspect that we’d have no trouble suspending some fundamental citizen’s rights if it meant that no one ever had to endure seeing these ‘time out’ dolls at another car show.
Maybe it would push the time-out doll degenerates underground, where’d they’d meet in abandoned garages and set their demonic, faceless kid-corpse dolls against car bumpers, until a raid of noble Anti-Time-Out-Doll (ATOD) enforcers raided the place, setting all the hideous things to the torch.
This is our path to a better world. Please, help spread the word: creepy toddler dolls are a plague on the automotive life we love, and we will no longer stand for it.
Death to the time-out dolls.