Joe Biden, America’s Bitchin’ Vice President, was forced to beg for absolution from the Pope at the Vatican last night after betting on a Cadillac CTS-V in a drag race against a Tesla Model S. He also lost $10.
The news of Vice President Biden’s utterly tragic loss comes from last night’s White House Pool Report, when he was at a press conference with Cardinal Pietro Parolin, the Vatican Secretary of State:
PAROLIN: You have already met with the Holy Father.
BIDEN: I have met with the Holy Father. And I’ve met with these guys, too.
(GESTURES TO POOL THEN GRIPS YOUR POOLER)
BIDEN: I had to pay this man $10. He’s from the New York Times. We had a bet: which is the faster car, the newer Cadillac or the new Musk car. Which?
BIDEN: The Tesla. I bet the Cadillac.
POOLER: He went for the old technology. I went for the new.
PAROLIN: Oh yes?
BIDEN: The Tesla’s two tenths of a second faster. But I lost. I paid my $10. (LOUDER TO ENTIRE POOL, ROOM AND PERHAPS CITY) I want the record to show, I paid my $10.
MEMOLI (CATHOLIC REPRESENTATIVE IN POOL): Does that count as a confession, sir?
BIDEN: I’m seeking absolution!
The pool report, written by New York Times White House correspondent Gardiner Harris, finished with a discussion of the theological ramifications of Biden’s penance:
Betting is not a sin but tends to be discouraged by religious authorities. Timothy 6:10 warns against a love of money, and Jesus’s run-in with the money-changers suggested a strong aversion.
Still, Biden’s bet seems unlikely to generate the same consternation as his support of abortion rights and gay marriage. Cardinal Parolin seemed unconcerned.
h/t to Road & Track!