The Ten Most Fucked Up Things You've Seen At Stoplights

The sensation of being inside a car, stopped in front of a traffic light brings out the inner wacko in motorists. These are the ten craziest stoplight stories Jalopnik readers have to offer.

10.) Excited Druggie

Drugs can really boost a person’s emotions, as reader Turbolence88 will tell you:

Pull up to light that just turned red. SUV pulls up alongside, guy in passenger seat starts waving at me joyously and frantically like he knows me, motions to roll down my window. I do.

Guy: “Hey man, how’s it going?!”

Me (not sure who he is, being polite): “Hey it’s going good! What’s up?”

Guy: “I’m really, really fucked up on heroin right now!!”

Me: “...oh?”

Guy: “Yeah! They’re taking me to the hospital so I don’t die!”

Me: “...c-cool?”

Guy: “It’s gonna be fun! Whoop, we gotta go!”

Light turns green, SUV takes off.

I held up traffic for a second before putting my car in gear. Like, that is NOT something I expected in a suburban town with the lowest crime and drug rates in New Hampshire.


Suggested By: Turbolence88

9.) Old People Are Reckless

The retesting of elderly motorist’s driving abilities is a cause that many people fight hard for. After Jalopnik reader Mike’s experience on Main Street, Salt Lake City circa 1993, he’s probably on that fighting bandwagon as well:

An old, very old woman in an Oldsmobile in the lane next to me doesn’t stop in time and lightly taps an old pickup truck at a light. Neither party gets out of their car (five mile per hour bumpers). It happens again at the next light. Men in the pick up truck look agitated but stay in the truck. It then happens at the third light. At the fourth light the Oldsmobile taps the truck yet again. The driver of the truck looks around, pulls forward a few feet, puts the truck in reverse and rams the old lady and drives off.

Thank you AARP!

Suggested By: Mike

8.) Sometimes You Just Gotta Go

I get that kids aren’t as talented with their bladder and bowel control, but why the yoga mat? Reader TP-J can tell the story:

About five years ago I was at a stoplight when I saw a newer Escalade pull off into a parking lot. Now this being a nicer area most wouldn’t think twice but they were moving at an alarming rate.

What I saw next still baffles me to this day. A woman got out of the car and opened the tailgate pulling out what looked to be a yoga mat and laid it down in the parking lot. Her son then got out of the car, he looked to be around six-seven years old.

She proceeded to grab a plastic bag out of the back of her SUV as her son pulled down his pants and took a shit on this yoga mat. She then handed him something to wipe it looked to be paper towel, picked up the nice present he left with the bag, and roll the mat up. After that it was all thrown into the back of the SUV and they drove off.

To this day I cant figure out if it was a normal occurrence and they did this before or if they just so happened to be incredibly lucky and prepared.

Suggested By: TP-J

7.) Bird Ain’t Care

This reader, much like the bird he encountered, had absolutely no idea what was going on:

I was sitting at a stop light in my old Volvo 850 back in 2010 with the windows down and the sunroof open. Fucking bird flew in the drivers window, ricochets off the inside of the windshield, and right the fuck out the open sunroof.

Over before my brain even realized what was going on.

The light turned green. I shrugged and went on with my life.

Suggested By: John Static

6.) R.I.P. Kittens

Ever wonder what the worst kind of people are like? Reader Jake Stumph Racing can tell you exactly:

Popular/busy part of town with four-way intersection. I am waiting at the red light in one of two left turn lanes. A sliding door van pulls up in the other left turn lane. Light turns green and we both go, but the van decides to try to sideswipe me and pushes their van out into my driving line, mid corner. I was able to stop and let them swing out to the outside (right) lane and they keep on going. I’m now keeping a safe distance behind them in the left lane. They were driving erratically, brake, gas, swerving around in their lane, so I’m really keeping my distance on this busy, 45mph road. This goes on for about a quarter of a mile or so.

At this point, all hell breaks loose. The sliding door rips open and someone throws a cardboard box out of the van, into my lane, right in front of me. The box was in the air for a few seconds, but it felt like a life time.

Why? The box was full of kittens (or some sort of small, fluffy animal). I slam on my brakes and come to a complete standstill as the box of kittens hits the pavement in front of me and is obliterated. Traffic comes to a halt. All that remained was splattered guts, shredded cardboard and fur. A few of us at the front got out of our cars, but we couldn’t do anything but stare at the remains.

The remainder of the drive home was a quiet one.

Suggested By: Jake Stumph Racing

5.) Just Another Day In Chiraq

Chicago’s most aggressive drivers are not to be messed with. Reader VW-Guy-R32 will tell you why:

I live in Chicago so I should have known better.

I was coasting in neutral to a red light. A car swerved around from behind me, cut me off only to slam on his brakes just in time not to hit the car already stopped at the light. forcing me to have to rip the E-brake.

I was obviously livid and started screaming out of the window at him. We pull up to the next red light and I ask him if he is in a hurry very sarcastically. He flashes a piece in my face and rips a right hand turn to evade any chase (like I would have chased him anyway.) My face goes white and I have deep second thoughts about confronting anyone on the road again.

My advice, let it go.

Suggested By: VW-Guy-R32

4.) Accidents Can Happen Anytime, Anywhere

When this reader watched a nasty accident occur, there was no other choice for them but to break into action and give some very well-needed assistance:

I was turning right on red into my neighborhood off a main street in San Antonio and heard a loud bang followed immediately followed by three more bangs. Never any tires sliding.

I was quick enough to react as I heard the first bang that I looked up in the rear-view mirror just in time to see an Acadia sliding off the road into the guard-railing on a ditch and a Grand Marquis spinning around in the intersection.

I was the first to the Grand Marquis and had to pry the door open to get the guy out, he had broken his leg and was beaten up from the airbag but was going to live. The woman in the Acadia was alive but obviously in shock, bleeding and pretty beat up. I asked the woman in the Acadia if she had any passengers to which she replied no but I was already reaching for the driver’s side back door and opened it to find her five-ish year-old daughter balled up on the floor half-way under the driver’s seat in a growing puddle of blood. The girl was unconscious when I got to her, I have never before and hope to never again have that feeling an horror wash over me. A nurse ran up and told me we had to lift the girl up and get her breathing so we did and then I literally held the girls head together as we waited for EMS to arrive. She started breathing after we straightened her up and was in and out of consciousness and crying for what seemed like hours until EMS got there.

The mom in the Acadia was talking on her phone (it was bashed into the windshield so hard from the impact it broke both the phone and the windshield) on the way to get her son, ran the light and hit the Grand Marquis turning left across the intersection at what I would guess was around 60mph. The mother didn’t know the girl had snuck into the car to see her brother and wasn’t in her car seat; on impact she was flung from the rear storage compartment through the truck and against the back of the driver’s seat. I left covered in blood when EMS showed up, I have no idea if the girl lived or died. This was three-four years ago at least and I still occasionally have nightmares.


Suggested By: JamesBob-TX

3.) Corvette Owners Going At It

Remember that video a couple years back of two incredibly dumb Corvette drivers in the middle of Texas going at it from a traffic light? I bet you do, but reader 안 녕 probably remembers it even clearer:

While visiting my parents in The Woodlands, I saw this happen, as I was 2-3 cars behind these guys while waiting at the light.

I am not the guy taking the vid, but glad he did.


Suggested By: 안 녕

2.) The Drag Racing Cop

This apparently loose-cannon cop gave Jalopnik reader Iridium a once in a lifetime experience at a traffic light:

Was coming home from work late one night when I was in college in the late ‘90s. Sat at a red light, no other cars around at all. Cop pulls up in the lane next to me and I discreetly turn down my music a tad. Suddenly I hear an engine rev.

Him being the only other car around I look over. He’s looking back, nodding and grinning at me. He revs again.

Now, of course I think to myself there’s no way I’m that dumb. One, he’s probably got a buddy up there to bust my ass. Two, I was only in a Grand Am GT. 175hp ain’t gonna do shit off the line against a proper V8 cruiser. So yeah, no.

Light turns green and I floor it.

I had a nose on him for about two seconds before he blasted past and got through the next light, which went red for me. But no sirens, no other cop, and the one wasn’t waiting for me further ahead. All I got out of it was hours of berating myself for falling for it, and a story that still has me wondering WTF happened.


Suggested By: Iridium

1.) These Druggies Need To Stay Away From Intersections

Seriously. Why do these drug addicts love traffic lights so much? Reader SOCdriver can share the story of an extremely close call:

I was driving down Valleyview road at 11pm one night, it has a 50 MPH speed limit, so I was doing somewhere between 55 and 60 MPH. The area is an industrial zone just off the 5 freeway in Los Angeles, so there is not much in the way of traffic or people. I had a green light so I was just going to go strait through the intersection. Then I hear my wife scream “STOOOOOP!”

I slam the brakes and stop right before the pedestrian line, the BMW that is right behind me skids off the right and slams into a fire hydrant across the street. He barely misses the lady high on meth who was riding her bike in circles in the intersection.

My wife caught her as she went under one of the two working lights, I totally missed her and would have run her down if not for my wife.

That poor E30 though, had to help the guy out of the car while the fire hydrant spewed water everywhere.


Suggested By: SOCdriver

Welcome back to Answers of the Day - our daily Jalopnik feature where we take the best ten responses from the previous day’s Question of the Day and shine it up to show off. It’s by you and for you, the Jalopnik readers. Enjoy!


Top Photo Credit: TheGrowingRushFamily via YouTube

Share This Story

Get our `newsletter`


The Old Man from Scene 24

6.) R.I.P. Kittens

I have officially lost all faith in humanity.