Those of you who keep track of all the chronic masturbators I write about on Jalopnik may remember this creepy-ass, Chevy truck-driving public Onanist. Well, good news! Thanks to an ID on his truck, he's been caught! And his last name is Dick, and was caught after exposing himself in a place called Tickle Creek. How is all this so perfect?

Advertisement

What seems to have been less perfect was that alarmingly creepy police sketch. The real habitual public knob-polisher turns out to be the far more bald Michael Gordon Dick, a sprightly 53-year old go-getter who loves Chevy trucks, stargazing with a special someone, and approaching lone women outside while vigorously manipulating his clammy genitals.

The lack of hair is likely explained by the fact that many suggested that the open-air jerkinator wore a red wig, which I suspect made him seem like a terrifying, alternate-dystopian world version of that smug Wendy's spokesperson. Only instead of trying to convince you that you really should have bought some Wendy's chickenwich for lunch, she's locked eyes with you while violently yanking on her engorged penis.

Dick and 'Li'l Dick' were arrested thanks to investigators identification of his black 2001-2004 Chevy S-10 truck, proving once and for all that the only way to really know someone is by seeing what they drive. The recent incidents were in the Boring Eagle Creek and Tickle Creek areas, both of which are hilarious names.

Advertisement

More seriously, if, by chance, you or someone you know has been harassed by this literal wanker, call the Clarkmas County confidential tip-line at 503-723-4949.

Okay, let's get back to listing all the fun words in this story: masturbator, Clackamas County, Boring Eagle, Dick, Tickle Creek, wig. Ok, there we go. One less woman-terrifying perv on the streets. Yay!