Why You Don't Post Your Picture Of Mila Kunis In Your High School Yearbook To An Internet Forum

There's an important lesson in this story. The story itself may seem trivial, but the moral of it is timeless and vastly important. It starts, like so many stories do, with a pretty girl. And ends with a stain.

The pretty girl in this case is the talented actress Mila Kunis, and this all starts with a picture of her, posed on an old post '77 Firebird Trans-Am. Which, interestingly, seems to have yellow French headlights. The picture was posted in VWVortex's Car Lounge, and, since most car forums are populated exclusively by horny boys, it was welcomed.


One poster, instead of helpfully answering unasked questions regarding the poster's willingness to "hit it," posted a scanned image of a page from his high school yearbook, clearly showing a young, fresh-faced "Milena Kunis". The poster let everyone know that even though he didn't think she was that hot, he tried unsuccessfully to ask her out.

Okay, so far, no big deal. Another poster noticed something about the image. Something that in many other contexts, might have gone unnoticed. A stain. A small stain, right near Kunis' picture. The poster edited the yearbook page with a digitally-brushed circle, arrow, and one, incriminating word: "Jizz?"

From that moment on, it doesn't matter what that stain really was. It could have been tartar sauce or bird excrement or liquid potassium chlorate or the freaking ichor that ran through Zeus' veins. After the one-word question was asked, there was no going back.


We don't know the actual circumstances here, and we likely never will. Maybe it's not ejaculate. Maybe it is, but the focus of the ardor was Andry Kuznetsov, right next to her. It just doesn't matter anymore, because that jizz-genie's not going back in the bottle. Or testicle.

Look, nobody faults the Kunis-schoolmate from catching a beat to the actor's image. What is he, a robot nun? Come on. Everyone on that forum, and pretty much every internet forum, is a willful and dedicated onanist. But even in a friendly, welcoming space like a car forum, you can never, ever forget that the internet is a cruel beast with an astounding ability to find embarrassing details.


So here's the lesson: Edit out all ejaculate stains from any scanned image you place on the internet. Now that I think about it, make that any stains. Because everyone's just going to assume it's ejaculate, anyway. Or maybe poop, if it's just too dark.

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