God Tells Woman to Go 100 MPH And Lay On Horn Because Florida

Illustration for article titled God Tells Woman to Go 100 MPH And Lay On Horn Because Florida

Oh, Florida. Sweet, sweet Florida. You give and give and give. This time you've given us a 41-year old loon who insists that God was telling her to go 100 MPH in a 30 MPH zone and hold down her horn for 10 seconds straight.


The 41 year old Floridian (a term derived from the Spanish word for "batshit"), Melissa Miller, was arrested in Fort Pierce, Florida at 1 am on Tuesday, after attempting to flee police by increasing speed and swerving into oncoming traffic lanes.

When finally caught, she freely admitted driving her silver Toyota at a high rate of speed, saying "because I was letting the Lord spirit guide me," and blamed the horn blowing on "the Lord telling me to do it."


Theologians confirm that while God does not normally suggest speeds to motorists, it's possible that having Florida's most bonkersest residents hurtling around at a high rate of speed may be part of a larger plan on behalf of the Almighty.

As of press time, God had not returned requests for comment.

(Thanks, Jeff!)

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And on the eighth day, after having himself a nice nap, God created the Toyota 2.5 liter straight-four, for he was bored, and wasn't sure what else to do with himself. "Perhaps I should turbocharge it," thought God, rubbing his hands together. But upon seeing the Camry for which the engine was destined, He lost all ambition, shrugged His mighty shoulders, and said "meh."

But Lo, jealous is the Lord our God, for he noticed that man had created great and mighty steel and aluminum idols before him; engines which made his puny little straight-four look downright silly. "This shit just ain't gonna stand," said the Lord, peering down into the mortal plane and spotting a follower in a silver Toyota, lined up at a stoplight alongside a bitchin' Camaro.

"You there! Yes, you, the stoned woman driving the Camry! You carry upon your shoulders the honor of the Lord your God! Kick the tires and light the fires: floor it, bitch! What? No, this is really me this time. Last time it was just the meth talking. Seriously, no foolies. Keep that foot down, woman! And make some me-damned noise while you're doing it, because that engine won't make much of a racket by itself."

And thusly did the crazy Floridian totally smoke the Camaro, who hadn't expected a drag race from a rolling toaster oven and didn't really feel like getting another speeding ticket anyway. And the Lord smiled.