Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition - Jalopnik Comments

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Mark Miller — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 12:45:36 EDT

@CEman: Sure! We can reminisce about cars we've lost to rust, and share tips on where we can find stretches of road we can sprint to 50 mph between killer frost heaves.

RE the rampage: Too close to home... (couple blocks). Just glad this "falling-down" didn't directly target people instead of cars... but why oh why do struggling people attack other struggling people?

Mark Miller

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

CEman — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 09:17:06 EDT

Any interest in a Maine Jalopos get together?

CEman

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

CEman — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 06:24:57 EDT

@harumph:
Stunnin ain't it?

CEman

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Bazza, now with a wonderfully longer name! — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 21:14:31 EDT

speaking of GTA, did anyone else notice that all the cars are even more directly copied off real cars... I think they just didn't bother to hide the identety since all the lawsuites failed before.

Bazza, now with a wonderfully longer name!

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

LandofMinos, Don't you fucking look at me! — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 20:06:45 EDT

If he'd L1, L1 ,L2, L2, Triangle, Up, Down, Up, Down. He wouldn't be in this mess

LandofMinos, Don't you fucking look at me!

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Mike the Dog — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 18:23:31 EDT

@harumph: Born in Westbrook, raised in Naples. Learned to drive on Long Lake in the dead of winter. I thought I'd improve my lot in life by moving to SE Michigan, where the economy was better and the weather didn't suck wicked bad. Oops, wrong again.

Mike the Dog

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 17:08:00 EDT

@Benito: If the example to aspire to is Red Green, I'm in.

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

harumph — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 17:06:53 EDT

Geezum crow!
Surprised at all the Mainers. Half my family lives there and I graduated high school in Wiscasset.

harumph

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Benito — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 16:51:41 EDT

This news post has alerted me to a frightening amount of Mainer-Jalops there are.

Now we have to behave and set an example and stuff. Right?

Benito

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 16:51:07 EDT

@TurboBrick: Much as I love the bricks, if I'm going all the way down to Texas for a car, I'm driving back in a Dodge Dart.

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 16:49:11 EDT

@brandegee: Witnesses claim the suspect was "funny lookin'- more'n most people even."

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

pl8ster — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 16:13:06 EDT

@slantsick: I've been to your local junkyard dozens of times and can attest to them crushing things at an alarming rate lately (I go for the plates, hence the nick).

Lot of Mainahs here...I'm in Scarburger.

pl8ster

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

cazart — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:43:30 EDT

A lot of people in Portland really CAN'T get theyah, from heeyah.

cazart

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

TurboBrick — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:35:09 EDT

@slantsick: My 86 had pretty much every 240 problem imaginable and then I cooked the cylinder head. Yippee. The flashing disco dash lights were something really special.

If you're looking for cheap 240's the place to look for them is Texas. San Antonio and Austin in particular. The only natural predators for them down here with the absence of rust and emission testing are drunk idiots in pickup trucks.

The first timr I heard of the stickers was probably year or two ago, I didn't believe it until I saw it for myself. You still get a "degree" and a 10% rebate coupon for parts.

TurboBrick

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

tek_nic — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:18:07 EDT

Hasn't he played GTA?!
I mean, comeon!

You are supposed to light the cars on fire at either end of a bridge so you can corner yourself off.
Then all you have to really worry about is air support.

tek_nic

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:15:26 EDT

@TurboBrick: Yeah, I remember you mentioned that- that sucks. When did they start with the stickers?

I think my '84 (RIP) was the only 240 I've ever seen -or heard of for that matter -that actually had a fully-functional dash. Too bad the tranny wasn't.

And mechimike- if you know where to get a roadworthy Volvo 245 (auto please) for $800, hook a guy up, huh?

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

TurboBrick — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:04:25 EDT

@slantsick: Along with every plastic surface that ever came in contact with sunlight. And the big clock was dead, temp gauge showed zero or overheat, and my favorite, the odometer permanently parked at 130 thousand.

They don't give out those High Mileage metal badges anymore, I just received one and it's a freaking sticker.

TurboBrick

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

mechimike — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 14:51:09 EDT

I love that no one other than ash has said boo about practically any of the other cars. $150,000 of automobiles get maliciously Car-B-Q'd, and we're all pining over an $800 Volvo wagon.

And that, my friends, is why I *heart* the Jalop community.

mechimike

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 14:09:07 EDT

@TurboBrick: Gaurantee the dash-pad was already wrecked too..

Volvo 240s are getting pretty scarce at the boneyards though (at least inland)- too much money in scrap right now. My local junkyard doesn't "save" anything but Chevy pickups.

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 14:05:02 EDT

And what is that kneeling firefighter doing- stealing the "300,000" mileage badge wired to the grille?

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

TurboBrick — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 14:01:55 EDT

Looks like he just torched the interior off that 245. One trip to pick'n'pull, some febreze and a couple of air refresheners, you'll be fine. The drivers seat was probably broken anyways.

TurboBrick

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:56:49 EDT

@brandegee: "How d'ya split a [Volvo], ya dummy?- with a fuckin chainsaw?!"

I didn't hear any numbers, but the snowfall this past winter must've set some records..

With all the Jalop Mainiacs we got, maybe we should try for a LeMons event at Beech Ridge. (Or on Sebago Lake next winter, how cool would that be?

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

brandegee — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:37:28 EDT

u@CEman: I like Cape E. One of the very few Maine towns where you can run/bike on the roads and not expect to heckled/killed. Until now, anyway.

The winter was a long one in Maine this year (seriously, it was rough). Lucky the kid didn't go all Fargo with a wood chipper or something.

brandegee

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

mechimike — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:34:51 EDT

Nobody better lay a finger on my...Volvo?

Somehow, I don't think Bart Simpson would have worked very well in this advertising role.

mechimike

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Rollo Tony — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:28:32 EDT

@mechimike: Ife he laid a hand on my 242 i would kill him on the spot

Rollo Tony

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

CEman — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:23:28 EDT

@slantsick:
I kind of like Limerick actually.
I live in Cape Elizabeth, if you had not figured it out yet..

CEman

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

thatguy01 — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:21:37 EDT

From the pic, I'd assumed that Robbie Kneivel's latest stunt had an extremely unpleasant ending.

thatguy01

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Mysterious Utility Bento — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 13:14:44 EDT

@slantsick: Oh here we go with the "Bento can't spell" bullshit! I blame the New Jersey Public school system!

Mysterious Utility Bento

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:50:15 EDT

@CEman: Not too far from Fryeburg- a typical little Maine shithole called Limerick.

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:45:07 EDT

@Women hate Bento: Steven King's fault?- yessuh, that guy's a friggin' wicked dubbah.

Stephen King, however, is blameless.

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

philibuster — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:19:26 EDT

@Isetta: nerds, the lot of you. and this includes me, because I got the joke.

philibuster

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Tephlon74 — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:15:17 EDT

"starting cars on fire".

I usually check if they're not on fire before starting.

Tephlon74

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Mysterious Utility Bento — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:14:44 EDT

Don't blame the GTA video game. I think any weird behavior that occurs in Maine is always Steven King's fault! Always

Mysterious Utility Bento

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

NovaloadMissesPolar — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:12:55 EDT

In Virginia, we would have said "setting cars on fire" because "starting cars on fire" is an entirely different and more dangerous activity. But what a jerk this kid is.

NovaloadMissesPolar

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

bzr — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:09:31 EDT

Jack Thompson just creamed his pants, and now he's rubbing his hands with glee.

(Hopefully not at the same time, though.)

bzr

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Pixel — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:04:26 EDT

@Turboner: No kidding. They are a great way to avoid actually smiting the people who deserve it.

A guy I knew had a 350 V8 powered Porsche 914 *and* a Turbo New Beetle. Used to get an insane speeding ticket every month. His wife bought him a PS2 & Grand Tourismo 4 and the speeding tickets stopped.

Pixel

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Ben Simons — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:00:02 EDT

@ash78: i agree messing with someone's car is low.. the car didn't do anything to deserve that.

short story: i was dating a girl back in the day who drove a 66 barracuda. she had this knack for pissing people off. one day she gets into her barracuda and starts and drives it home from school. she gets two blocks from school and the car dies. she has it towed to my house. i diagnose it to a problem with the carb or fuel pump. i take the carb apart and it was obvious that someone put sugar in her tank. what a mess. i had a 65 Dart parts car that i ended up using the complete fuel system (from the tank and lines to the carb) out of it to get her going again.

the whole time i explained to her how low it was and how i felt it was an immensely disrespectful thing to do.

a few months later we broke up - not long after she did the impossible and killed the slant six. i am sure she pissed off a few more people in the process thru road rage and other temper related issues (another longer story). the very next weekend after the breakup someone slashed her tires and she blamed me.

i guess she didn't get it.

man, sugar makes a HUGE mess of the fuel system. don't ever do that to anyone - even your worst enemy.

Ben Simons

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Mike the Dog — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:55:49 EDT

@fussball: Not quite true... You cahn't get to the tourist trahps in Nahwth Cahnway, NH without US 302, or some other east-west road. (Of coahse, ya cahn't get theah from heah anyway)

Mike the Dog

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

lascauxcaveman — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:54:09 EDT

Somebody needs to get a girlfriend.

lascauxcaveman

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

CEman — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:40:08 EDT

@slantsick:
Are you in the Fryeburg or Rangely western corner?
We do have some great Yahd Aht heah in Maine deah don't we?

CEman

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Elhigh — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:37:21 EDT

Used to be, if you stole a man's horse you got a fair trial and quick hanging. Now you just get a quick smack on the nuts and a special friend in the showers.

Elhigh

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Nebulant — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:37:02 EDT

@Benito:
@slantsick:

I agree with you both completely.

I also live in Wells. The traffic here in the summer is horrible. A 15 minutes drive to work can take up to an hour with all the stupid tourists.

And I am glad to see that our Maine-ly news reporters aren't stupid enough to lunge on the "Video Games are the root of all evil" bandwagon.

Nebulant

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Isetta — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:33:17 EDT

@Dr.Danger's got nards: Maybe he could put that on my answering machine.

Isetta

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:28:22 EDT

@fussball: There's nothing out here in the western corner you'd wanna see anyway, unless you consider a '77 Malibu perched on a pile of 1950s fridges to be "sculpture", or "Yahd Aht"...

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Dr.Danger, I run the Death Star — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:24:53 EDT

@Isetta: that sounds like a line from Carl Kassel.

Dr.Danger, I run the Death Star

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:22:03 EDT

@mechimike: "How bout we cut the chit-chat, A-hole!"

Hard to tell from that pic, but I'm gonna say that poor desecrated 245 is an '82 or '83.

My '78 and '84 244 DLs were both beige. Very common shade.

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Isetta — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:21:25 EDT

Portland punk pinched for pyromania plot.

Isetta

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

fussball — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:18:07 EDT

@slantsick:

There may be roads all over Maine- but from years at school in Brunswick, I'm pretty sure the roads only go North/South....

fussball

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Dr.Danger, I run the Death Star — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:13:56 EDT

@Turboner: Rocket-Arena FTW.

I also destroy with my railgun skills.

Dr.Danger, I run the Death Star

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

layabout — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:08:45 EDT

@FLB: I have seen the error of my ways

layabout

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:08:08 EDT

@mechimike: No kidding- and a Volvo wagon that somehow survived 25 years in Maine without it's rear-quarters rotting off and being replaced with stolen "Dangerous Intersection" signs or roof-flashing.. whatta jerk. Probably a gawdamt fromawayuh summah-complaint from Taxachusetts.

And as Benito said, the whole Kittery/Ogunquit/Wells Route One area is the real tourist trap. And we've got "roads" all over the state, Portland is just unique for having streets- there is a distinction.

Slantsick- on layaway at SPATULA CITY

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

workingonyourinvoice — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:08:00 EDT

I'm sure he'll just pay out $1200 and have all his guns and ammo taken away, and be back out on the street in no time.

workingonyourinvoice

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Turboner — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:06:27 EDT

Violent, multiplayer shooters have probably kept me from hurting others and wanting to randomly burn cars. That guy never got to go to a Quake LAN party and he's pissed.

Turboner

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

mechimike — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:06:24 EDT

"I drive a Volvo, a beige one. So why don't you cut me some FRIGGIN SLACK!!"

mechimike

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

FLB — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:05:54 EDT

@layabout: No, it's sad. Volvo had that colour from 1982 to 1984 IIRC.

In other words, that Volvo was a survivor.

FLB

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Maymar is convinced M.C. Escher engineered his car — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:05:25 EDT

There's your PCH for tonight - yesterday's car-kebab versus today's rack of barbequed cars.

I'm thinking, take both Panthers (from the kebab) and both Volvos (from the BBQ), and have one big quad engine swap.

Maymar is convinced M.C. Escher engineered his car

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

OldeEnglishD misses Polar — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 11:04:17 EDT

Speaking as a Detroiter; FIRST you flip the car over on it's roof, THEN you light it on fire. Stupid Maine kids....

OldeEnglishD misses Polar

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

layabout — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 10:58:23 EDT

The Volvo deserved it,its fucking beige!

layabout

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

The Name's Ash78, Housewares — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 10:57:39 EDT

@mechimike: FJ cruiser, Tacoma, that other Volvo(850/S70?), Infiniti I30/35, CR-V, Expedition, Civic (mid-90s?), and the MkIV Jetta.

Don't mess with people's cars. That's just low

The Name's Ash78, Housewares

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

LTDScott changed his name! — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 10:56:15 EDT

Hey look, there's a race car for Murilee, and a Cherokee for Wert. I see a Gawker-funded trip to Maine in the future!

LTDScott changed his name!

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

layabout — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 10:55:35 EDT

Mission failed!

layabout

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

Benito — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 10:55:30 EDT

Living a short half hour away from Portland, I take a great deal of offense to the idyllic beach town comments. Portland is as close to a city as we have.

Now Wells, where I live, thats the place you described.

Benito

Real Life Grand Theft Auto - Portland, Maine Edition

mechimike — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 10:51:18 EDT

He should be publicly castrated for what he did to that poor, innocent Volvo wagon.

mechimike