1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous - Jalopnik Comments

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

korvetkeith — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 18:08:02 EDT

Holy NACA duct wheels batman!

korvetkeith

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

kleinlowe — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 06:20:57 EDT

In my experience, Stelvio is a cheese with a exceptionally frightening odor but a mild and unoffensive taste, hence an apropo moniker for this vehicle.

kleinlowe

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

Naturally Exasperated? — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 04:52:40 EDT

why does this car have a handlebar moustache?
.....and where can i get one for my ride?

Naturally Exasperated?

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

mr.chophoppers — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 00:48:44 EDT

I remember when this car came out, I was twelve years old and wanted it badly. I'd still prefer a Hyena, though.

mr.chophoppers

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

Weather and darkness will not be an issue — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 20:13:45 EDT

@Maymar: I think that was actually an inverse relation, wherein the less useful the turbo the more obvious the use of the word.

Weather and darkness will not be an issue

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

Weather and darkness will not be an issue — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 20:11:51 EDT

@drewdraws2: Finish it and i'll publish it. don't finish it and i'll beat you with a an italian-made ugly stuck; which happen to work better than pretty much any other.

Weather and darkness will not be an issue

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

SundaySunday — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 15:30:33 EDT

It looks like the kind of cars I was drawing in 1989. On my Macintosh SE30. In SuperPaint.

SundaySunday

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

SpeedWagon - Needs COTD bailout. — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 14:17:34 EDT

ooof up come my barbiturates and coffee.

SpeedWagon - Needs COTD bailout.

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

LuciferV8 — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 13:35:11 EDT

It's a chevy Beretta from retard world.

LuciferV8

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

smokeydog001 — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 12:49:24 EDT

@ash78:
M(.)(.)n Equipped? Naw, the wheels look more like pasta pan tops.

smokeydog001

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

beercheck — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:57:25 EDT

@ShastaMcNasty: I'll bet an original-forumula Schlitz that they're running the opposite way on the other side of the car.

beercheck

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

Bad Juju — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:52:57 EDT

I'm seeing some Bizarro-world Oldsmobile in that front end...
Make it go away, please.

Bad Juju

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

Maymar is convinced M.C. Escher engineered his car — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:47:41 EDT

There's no way this is turbocharged. They clearly weren't interested in holding back on the 80's styling, but there are no dynamic TURBO decals - by law, you were required to have one on the car for every pound of boost.

Maymar is convinced M.C. Escher engineered his car

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

anaxomander — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:44:59 EDT

@anaxomander: "Robocop" obviously.

anaxomander

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

anaxomander — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:44:34 EDT

@danio3834:
Exactly. This is the car that Robocob's gay cousin drives in Robocop 3: Fine and Dandy

anaxomander

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

mechimike — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:36:11 EDT

I need those hubcaps for the LeMons racer. I'll bet they add 8-12 HP. And they wouldn't get damaged _at all_.

I'm surprised AMC didn't come up with something like this. Heck, those fender flares may have been an acid-trippin' designer's interpretation of the headlight flares on a '77 Matador.

mechimike

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

harumph — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:35:20 EDT

@danio3834: To be fair, the 80's were like the auto industry's awkward teenage years. Those mirrors are just acne.

harumph

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

jolaszek — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:25:28 EDT

Bahahaha!

jolaszek

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

biminitwst — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:25:27 EDT

@j6r:
Ouch.
That one looks like a cross between a Boxter and the multi eyed squirrel from the Simpsons Movie.

biminitwst

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

POLAЯMISSESEVEЯYBODY — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:15:18 EDT

@ash78:
The devil inside
The devil inside
Whoever made this sick thing had the devil inside....

POLAЯMISSESEVEЯYBODY

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

j6r — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:15:07 EDT

@Drujon: I agree, except this looks a bit worse. Zagato was hurting for business and aside from the Alfa SZ and Lancia Hyena, they weren't exactly doing great work.

I think there is a special JDM Toyota Zagato from the same period. MR2 based / VM180.

[www.autocult.com.au]

j6r

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

danio3834 — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:10:27 EDT

@harumph: In this case, Nissan literally phoned it in by calling Zagato.

The conversation went like this;

Nissan: "We need a body for a car, what ya got?"

Zagato: "I know we've got something lying around here...there, its in the mail, you should get it in six weeks."

danio3834

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

harumph — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:04:58 EDT

@danio3834: Even though it isn't a home run, at least they were trying. The new Camaro is textbook phoning it in.

harumph

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

SCROGGZILLA RAIDS AGAIN!! — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 11:01:29 EDT

Great! If being unemployed weren't bad enough, now Jalopnik has blinded me.

SCROGGZILLA RAIDS AGAIN!!

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

OldeEnglishD misses Polar — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:59:04 EDT

This could be the fastest production car in the world, and I would still laugh at you if you drove it.

OldeEnglishD misses Polar

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

danio3834 — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:55:23 EDT

@harumph: If you're blind.

danio3834

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

harumph — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:48:50 EDT

It still looks better than the new camaro.

harumph

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

DonSchenck — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:48:01 EDT

I actually like it.

Just like I like rope burn.

DonSchenck

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

chrystlubitshi — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:47:33 EDT

@UDMan:

careful with those words... you never know who might respond..

aww crap.. polar has already replied too late.. ;)

just kidding.. i very much enjoy both your knowledge and humor/input!

chrystlubitshi

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

The Name's Ash78, Housewares — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:46:37 EDT

@POLAЯ SAYS EVEЯYONE HEЯE:
What the Hell does an "NXS-R" look like

A bunch of long-haired Aussies singing about repealing the capital gains tax? "It's got a choke-hold on our prosperity!"

The Name's Ash78, Housewares

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

Bumblebee — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:46:34 EDT

Still, 320 HP from a 3.0L turbo V6 in '89 is pretty good.

Maybe the best metaphor for this car is a hideous opera singer: It can sing, but you'd rather be blind than watch it.

Also, NACA ducts allow efficient passage of incoming air by not disrupting the boundry layer. I'd like to think Zagato had a better reason for using them for venting than, "They look cool."

Bumblebee

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

biminitwst — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:46:04 EDT

Even Tiger Woods misses a putt once in a while.
I can't help but wonder why, after seeing the first car, or even a clay mockup, the yen counters at Nissan allowed these cars to be built?
I wonder if anyone fell on his [figurative] ceremonial sword after word of this mistake leaked out.
Yep, I see the Chevy Beretta taillights, too.

biminitwst

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

Drujon — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:45:24 EDT

Looks alot like the Aston Martin Zagato.....
[www.netcarshow.com]

Drujon

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

boosted-lego-wagon — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:45:06 EDT

Ew. Somebody get Seinfeld to roll this abortion.

boosted-lego-wagon

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

chrystlubitshi — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:44:49 EDT

@myself.. (my browser didn't allow reply buttons..)

forgot to mention the little bit of chevy beretta i see in the rear end...

chrystlubitshi

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

POLAЯMISSESEVEЯYBODY — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:44:30 EDT

What the Hell does an "NXS-R" look like

POLAЯMISSESEVEЯYBODY

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

UDMan — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:43:30 EDT

Zagato. Have they ever created cars that were not polarizing? I can't even begin to call any of their creations beautiful. This monstrosity has all the looks of the Modern 80's, with absolutely none of the charms.

UDMan

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

danio3834 — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:42:47 EDT

The Japanese answer to the 6000 SUX

danio3834

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

smalleyxb122 — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:42:26 EDT

They made 200 of these things? Nobody was hanged after 1?

At least it has nice looking seats.

smalleyxb122

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

Comrade Teargaskov — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:41:27 EDT

I like it. But then, I'd take an Alfa SZ over the new 8C any day.

Comrade Teargaskov

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

chrystlubitshi — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:41:03 EDT

hmmm... when i saw that first pic.. i thought russian rip-off... but finding out that it is actually a nissan based design... all i can say is.. umm... R32 crossbred with an 1st Gen Integra... and then modified to look like a much cheaper version of either vehicle...

wow...
that being said..

if it were available/reliable here in the US

i'd buy one... ugly.. decently fast (i would hope..) and no one knows WTF it is... yeah.. i'd drive it..

and now my jalobrethren probably think less of me than they did before (shit... i didn't think one could think in negatives!)

chrystlubitshi

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

ShastaMcNasty — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:40:31 EDT

I especially like the backwards NACA ducts on the wheels (wheel covers?).

ShastaMcNasty

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

[ ELÇEVEN ] — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:36:17 EDT

Hyundai built the Beretta?

[ ELÇEVEN ]

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

danio3834 — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:36:01 EDT

This car is something from a Paul Verhoeven film.

danio3834

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

Dr.Danger, I run the Death Star — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:34:22 EDT

@MazdaEric: Im thinking more like the side vents from the Countach

Dr.Danger, I run the Death Star

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

Drew draws fire from Ben Wojd...wodjyj...woldj...Ben. — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:34:20 EDT

1989 was a rough year for Zagato...

"After an exceptionally strong batch of grappa from the family vineyards, psychedelia ruled the roost at Zagato, producing such mind altering automobiles as the Alfa Romeo SZ and the deliriously absurd Autech Stelvio."

That's a quote from a book about Italian Coachbuilders that I am currently making up as I go along.

Drew draws fire from Ben Wojd...wodjyj...woldj...Ben.

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

nitroracer — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:33:54 EDT

I'd rather have the boring stanza-like M30 with the twin cam six.

nitroracer

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

NovaloadMissesPolar — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:32:14 EDT

Never saw a car with corrective spectacles before. Astigmatism? Near-sighted? You'd be really cute without those glasses.

NovaloadMissesPolar

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

Dr.Danger, I run the Death Star — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:31:04 EDT

It looks like an Alfa Romeo that got its ass kicked.

Dr.Danger, I run the Death Star

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

deckard97 — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:29:24 EDT

I just threw up...

deckard97

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

Mazda Eric has his own radio show — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:29:12 EDT

I like the ferrari door looking hubcaps

Mazda Eric has his own radio show

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

NICKNICK — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:26:54 EDT

looks like that monster truck "snake bite"

NICKNICK

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

dolo54 — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:25:52 EDT

children either scream or laugh when they see this car.

dolo54

1989 Autech Stelvio: Adventures In Ridiculous

The Name's Ash78, Housewares — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 10:25:38 EDT

That thing has more gaps than Orange County.

What a freakshow. And what's the theory on the wheels? Moon disks with outlets for brake cooling?

The Name's Ash78, Housewares