Time for another automotive Would You Rather! You must be very excited. And, you should be, because this week’s edition involves both Sasquatches and very low-output engines.

In a way, I’m keeping this week’s edition a little simpler than last time — it’s mostly focused on you and the cars you love, with less repercussions for society at large. So here’s your options:

Would you rather:

Have any car you want — and I mean any car— if you want the original Batman series car, it’s yours. If you want Jay Leno’s prized Tatra, that denim-clad funnyboy has to hand over the keys, without complaint. Again, whatever car you want, it’s yours, for as long as you want to keep it. You can drive it as often and as hard as you like — again, it’s yours. There’s just one catch.

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You need to have sex with a Sasquatch on live television, once a year. See, a small colony of Sasquatches (or Wood Ape) has finally been discovered, and as part of the strange deal arranged to let you have and enjoy any car on earth, you must make sweet, sweet love to a randomly-selected Sasquatch every year. Medical and security staff will be on hand to make sure you’re not injured, and this has to happen for the rest of your life.

This Sasquatch may be of either gender, and you will be sprayed with pheromones to make sure the Sasquatch is sexually interested in you. The annual Sasquatch-boning is very popular, and you’ll have some degree of fame. Plus, a truly amazing car.

or

Again, you can have any car you want! Any car! And you don’t even have to fuck a Bigfoot or anything! Sounds fantastic, right? Oh, wait — I should probably mention this — whatever car you pick will have its engine replaced by a well-sorted 15 HP single-cylinder moped engine. Everything else is the same, aside from whatever adapting hardware is needed to join the little one-lunger with your chosen car’s drivetrain.

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You can’t swap the engine, or modify it in any way — that’s the powerplant you’re stuck with, no matter what car you pick. Everything else about the car — the looks, the suspension, the interior, the smell, the novelty, the status — you can enjoy. It’ll just take you a couple minutes to hit 60, and that’s if you’re really lucky.

So, you know, enjoy! Better leave early so you can get home in time to watch that guy fuck a Sasquatch!

See? Simple, straightforward choice. What’s it going to be — automotive nirvana for one (well, per year) bizarre, sweaty scratchy night of Squatch-bangin’, or any car you want, as long as it’s painfully and dishearteningly neutered.

I’m very curious to see how this turns out. My gut says we have a lot of closet Sasquatch-fuckers about to show their hands here.