Are you wondering what the rich, single, shallow, and horny people are driving? Of course you are — it's probably all you think about. Well, you're in luck, because the "successful and attractive" dating App Luxy polled 25,000 members about what they drive, and Tesla came out on top. The list is full of other surprises.

Luxy is also great if you've had a big breakfast and have a nice white surface you'd like to make into a quick Jackson Pollack knock-off. Just reading about how they self-describe as "Tinder minus the poor people" and how users "create a profile with fav luxury brands" should get some really colorful vomit flowing onto your blank canvas, suitable for sealing and hanging over your expensive white leather sex-sofa.

Luxy's polling about preferred car brands turned up some interesting results. Here's the top five luxury car brands, right from their press release:

TOP 5 LUXURY AUTO BRANDS

Tesla

Mercedes-Benz

Ferrari

Lincoln

Porsche

Honestly, I'm not really that surprised to see Tesla at the top. Sure, they're a newcomer to this game, but they make a fantastic product that's getting an awful lot of attention and is quite visually distinctive, all traits that would be important to this group.

What's more surprising I think is that Lincoln — Lincoln —is #4. Ahead of Porsche! are those True Detective Lincoln ads really that effective on monied dipshits? It looks like it. I'm surprised. But then again, I'm not rich, sexy, and single, am I?

Now, keep in mind, the Luxy survey only asked about "luxury auto brands preferred," and not what cars they actually own. Still, I'm sure Lincoln will be happy with any positive attention they can get.

The Bottom Five are interesting as well:

BMW

Audi

Lexus

Cadillac

Landrover

Okay, Lexus, sure, I find them boring and I don't even own anything with Swarovsky crystals stuck on it. BMW, though? That's very surprising — they've had rich-and-single brand cachet for years, haven't they? Maybe Land Rover is finally feeling too mom-car for these spray-tanned, expensive-smelling people, bodies slick with costly unguents, clad in shimmering pullovers made of the finest smoked salmon, flown in fresh that morning, and branded with the logos of their "fav" luxury brands.

So, I guess this is good news for Tesla and Lincoln, and bad news for those of us with enough fundamental humanity left in us to want to fucking vomit when they hear the Luxy CEO say shit like

"With the rise of high-speed digital dating, it's about time somebody introduced a filter to weed out low-income prospects by neighborhood."

... and then go on to create an app where people define themselves by picking five favorites from the "Top 100 Luxury brands." Also, how can it be a list of 100 luxury brands when they don't even have Harbor Freight or Yoo-Hoo? Come on! Oh, and I just downloaded this to get some screenshots, and said I made $750,000/yr. I don't. Nobody said boo. Gold-diggers, get ready to be disappointed!

Puke.