The 2014 Winter Olympics begin in Sochi, Russia this upcoming week, and still, despite my constant stream of strongly worded letters, they've ignored all of my pleas to include some car-based events in the festivities. Clearly, this is an outrage that should not stand.

If the world won't let cars into the party, then maybe we should start our own party. Top Gear created its own version of the Winter Olympics a few years back, and that was all well and good, but it was a bit frustrating that many of the events they offered were based on current Olympic sports. And while Car Hockey is quite possibly the most genius thing I've ever heard, I'm not sure it's a true test of driver and machine.

If people who love cars were to create their own wintery competition, the events would have to be tough, they'd have to be brutal, they would have to make those of the frigid persuasion marvel at the incredible feats displayed, much as we marvel at the superhuman undertakings about to take place halfway around the world.

Events like the Automotive Ice Climb. A steep hill, a slick sheet of the slipperiest ice, and nothing but driver skill and studded tires allowed. No traction control here. Watching someone blast up an incline at over 100 miles an hour while you sit and spin your wheels in two inches of slush will make you appreciate just how monumental a task is being undertaken.

We've seen a list of events for a general automotive Olympics before, but it's February and there won't be any dry-track karting weather for at least a few weeks in much of the Northern Hemisphere. So what serious competitions would you include in an Automotive Winter Olympics?