Look, Porsche, I’m one of your biggest fans, and I hate to see you go down a path of self-destruction. I care. I really do! But you really need to get clean, stop doing hard drugs and back away from this plan to have a “coupe” crossover with four doors and a squashed butt.

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I don’t know if this is “just” camouflage or anything, but we need to have a talk. In fact, hiding things and keeping secrets is a big warning sign to me that something’s not right. What are you hiding, Porsche?

Is it a painful addiction? Is it another car with a rear end only a junkie could love? Tell us. Admitting that you have a problem is the first step, and we can get you the help that you need.

I mean, we’ve seen the spy shots, Porsche. That’s not a car. That’s a cry for help.

Spy shots of a reportedly all-electric SUV were published by CAR, and they clearly called it a Porsche Cayenne Coupe. Coupe? Porsche, please—come to grips with reality. This thing has four doors. Coupes do not have four doors. You need to walk away from the crack pipe and talk to us.

It’s good that we saw this early, as this hasn’t been green-lit for production just yet, according to CAR. The earlier you start rehab, the easier it should go.

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I know this means you may have to cut yourself away from some of your friends, Porsche. It’s for the best. That BMW kid seems to be a bad influence. Do I need to show you that terrifying “Faces of Meth” project again? Because it looks a lot like a crossover-on-a-Squatty-Potty X6, or a “Gran Coupe” with four-doors.

This isn’t the first time you’ve had a design that appears to have been influenced by a desperate need to recapture your hard-partying ways of your youth. We had hope when your CEO admitted that yes, the Panamera’s rump was a poor design, and felt joy alongside you when you took steps to correct that in the redesign.

Let’s return to those happier times. Remember the release of the current Cayenne, with its usable height inside the rear hatch? Now that would be neat with an electric drivetrain. Bonus points if it can also tow a Porsche racecar somehow.

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We’re here for you, Porsche. We’re always here for you.