The hosts of the Fox morning show that’s named like it should heavily involve puppets, Fox & Friends, aren’t exactly the sort of people that instill any sense of, oh, competence. They tend to have more of a gleeful bedshitter quality about them. So when two of them tried to change a tire, the results were predictably sad.
The tire-changing was part of a segment featuring former Navy SEAL Derrick Van Orden, who has just written a book on ‘manhood’ and has a series of ‘manhood tests.’ The idea of ‘manhood tests’ is something I normally associate with rapid jerking of one’s manhood, but whatever. Changing a tire is a valuable skill whether or not your manhood is the penis kind or the vagina kind. I even wrote how to do it for our (well, Deadspin’s) own sort-of-basic-manhood blog, Adequate Man.
Really, the blonde dressed like a banana didn’t need to stand there being “in distress.” Grab a wrench, Elisabeth!
Here, just look how this shitshow went down:
The drooling simpletons in suits are the noted higher primate Brian Killmeade and ex-senator Scott Brown, now much more sensibly employed looking like a numbnuts on national television. The two start to change the rental-car Toyota’s tire with some enthusiastic simultaneous jacking and lug-nut removal.
Killmeade was getting the nuts off, and they were coming off surprisingly easily — I suspect some poor PA loosened them before the segment to spare viewers the sight of Killmeade’s straining face and inevitable unplanned urine stream. Cleverly, Killmeade just let the nuts roll freely wherever, helping to confirm to the viewers that they’re dealing with an idiot.
Soon, the car began to roll off the jack Brown was vigorously cranking. Which is bad. It looked like, somehow, they’d neglected to set the car’s emergency brake, chock any other wheels, or perhaps even place the car in park.
Thinking quickly, Killmeade runs in front of the car to insure that if it does roll out of control, it’ll roll over him, and then says the same lame joke about “this is why I have a AAA card” not once, but twice, just to be sure we know that yes, he has a AAA card.
Then his brain-OS crashes and he stands frozen, arms dangling uselessly, while he reboots. Seriously, look at him from 2:14-2:24. What the hell happened to him there?
So, way to go, fellas. Another triumph.
Oh, and also, what the hell is up with the car in the little bumper animation? They have a crappy 3D animated Mustang/Cobra-ish car that looks like a refugee from some local cut-rate insurance company ad or a Nintendo 64 driving game, and then they zoom in to what’s supposed to be the engine, but I can’t tell what the hell any of that crap in there is supposed to be. I think I see an alternator fan in the lower right, but I’m not sure what that stack of chrome pancakes is next to it, or the big gold flap out front, or the big silver tombstone thing.
Maybe give the car stuff a rest for a bit, Fox & Friends?