The Tesla Model X Will Devour Everything Like A Furious Starving T-Rex

Hey, see that dealership lot full of Lexuses and BMW over there? By the middle of next year, it will be a smoldering crater in the ground. Scorched earth. The Tesla Model X will mop the floor with other luxury cars like they're Baghdad and it's 2003 again, baby.

How do I know this? Because I read an article. An article in a publication called the Los Angeles Times, which quotes a man from a financial organization called Morgan Stanley. They say Tesla's next vehicle is "'ready to feast' upon an unsuspecting premium SUV marketplace."

You hear that? Not outsell. Not be competitive. Ready to feast. Like when Thriller came out. It's gonna annihilate everything.

How does Morgan Stanley know this? Not because they've driven it. No one outside of Tesla has. But they base their assessment on the fact that Tesla has spent much more time and money developing the Model X than they ever did the Model S, which is maybe a good thing because that one has been having some issues as certain media long-term testers advance in age.

But then Morgan Stanley threw up some of their own disclaimers, i.e.:

Throwing a grain of salt into its report, Morgan Stanley said, "It is worth noting that the commercial launch had been delayed by 6-9 months," and added, "We are also surprised that Alpha and Beta prototypes have yet to be tested for what is a significantly new product." The report said it expected Tesla would begin testing "in a matter of days."

As a Wall Street investment firm, the company has a financial interest in Tesla, owns some stock in Tesla, has received payment for investment banking services from Tesla, and has received compensation for non-investment services from Tesla — as it has in most other auto companies.

But no, really. All hyperbole and joking aside, the SUV is likely to be an extremely strong seller upon debut. One could even say it's gonna tear shit up like Napoleon before he decided it would be an awesome idea to invade Russia in the winter.