The Rolls-Royce Ghost, Updated For Poor Old Venture Capitalists

You there! You, with the buckets of cash! You, the job creators! Do you feel underserved? Do you feel like no one out there really gets you, understands your wants and needs? Do you feel like you have so much connectivity, but not in the British cowpeelings you desire? Fear no longer, as the new Rolls-Royce Ghost has you covered.

The Rolls-Royce Ghost, Updated For Poor Old Venture Capitalists

Okay, so it's basically the same as the old Rolls-Royce Ghost, which was still pretty good as a car, but now it's got very slightly changed headlights and bumpers. Exciting, I know. The real refresh though, comes in the interior of the British barge. A lot of the previously optional technology is now standard, such as a mobile Wi-Fi hotspot, and a "Satellite Aided Transmission," which uses GPS in real time to predict what gear you're going to need next.

The Rolls-Royce Ghost, Updated For Poor Old Venture Capitalists

All of that is all veddy veddy luvly, as the British aristocracy would say, but where it gets a bit weird is in Rolls-Royce's press release:

It exudes the timeless yet cool, modern luxury that the car's customers – the Captains of Industry, entrepreneurs and successful business men and women who are the wealth and job creators in our economies – demand.

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In short, Ghost remains the ultimate choice for successful entrepreneurs around the world and the calmest place from which to run their successful enterprises on the move.

Rolls-Royce's marketing team, please join me over here for a second. Everyone else please leave. You, unwashed masses, please leave. This will be a private conversation.

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Okay, good. Now that we're alone, Rolls-Royce marketing team, can we just talk? I'm worried about you. Rolls-Royce used to be the pinnacle of luxury, just for old money. You produced the finest motorcars the world has ever known, for people that somehow exude nothing but pipe tobacco out their pores and long-term investments out their ears. People that wore elbow patches on their jackets not because hipsters in Brooklyn had them, and your customers wanted to look "cool," too, but because elbow patches are a statement of inconspicuous luxury, goddammit.

What is this about "job creators" and "successful enterprises?" Let the bootstrapping classes drink the Republican Kool-Aid and buy a Maybach.

Oh, Maybach is dead? Funny that. I guess going for the new money demographic didn't work.

Yes, Rolls-Royce, advertise in-car WiFi, if you want, but only for checking on the latest word from the fox hunt.

Seriously, Rolls-Royce. "Job creators." I never want to see that again.

Signed,

Someone who believes in the lifestyle of old money, and not just the platitudes, damn it.

Photo credit: Rolls-Royce