I've got a bone to pick with you, America. And this time it's not over the usual reasons like drone strikes, credit default swaps, various Kardashians, or how the breakfasts at IHOP don't look nearly as appetizing as the photos in the menus. It's over the cars you chose to buy in 2013.
Specifically, it's over the cars you chose not to buy in 2013. Last year, you went with the safe, boring choices you always go with. The Honda Accord. The Toyota Corolla. The Honda CR-V. The Ford F-150, although that last one is understandable because at least some of you might have a job that necessitates an actual truck, or you pretend to because you live in a nice suburb of Dallas and you need to fit in with the other rich pretend cowboys.
Let me first address who my latest beef is with. It's not really your average Jalopnik reader, who might have bought a BRZ or a Mustang or something crazy and ill-advised like a rusted-out Porsche 944 Turbo last year. It's aimed at the rest of mainstream America, whose conformity-obsessed, Consumer Reports-worshipping fervor caused them to buy the same cars as all the other drones.
In that fervor, America, you ignored some pretty amazing machines. And that's sad because I know you could have done better.
Our pals over at Autoblog recently compiled a list of the worst-selling cars of 2013, and guess what? They're all vastly more interesting than the best-sellers. I have listed them below, and made a case for each (well, most) of them. All I know is that these cars deserve homes just as much as the legions of Camrys that were bought in their place.
Maybe even more so.
10. Cadillac Escalade EXT (1,972 sold)
I don't know why you shrugged at the thought of owning an Escalade truck, America. Maybe it's because they get stolen all the damn time. Or maybe because it's been around for more than a decade now, and everyone who wanted one has already bought one, or stolen one.
Or here's another reason: It's because you hate your own country. See, no vehicle more represents America or her values better than the Escalade. It's big, it's shiny, it's badass, it's expensive, it appears in rap videos, it's exclusive, it guzzles gasoline, and beneath its veneer of luxury, there's not really a whole lot to it. It's both awesome and terrible at the same time, and you hate it because you hate America.
Enjoy your Accord Hybrids instead, libtards.
9. Volvo S80 (1,935 sold)
Sssshhhffffwwwhat? You guys blew off the S80? Come on, you're breaking my heart over here. So what if it's almost old enough to buy cigarettes now, or that the sweet Yamaha-sourced V8 has been discontinued? This is a great luxury sedan! It even has an inline six in regular and turbo flavors. It's super safe, too.
Why would you choose to put your children in danger by not buying the S80? Monsters, all of you.
8. Volkswagen Golf R (1,598 sold)
Come on, you didn't buy the Golf R? What are you jokers doing with your lives? All we do at Jalopnik is bitch and moan about the Volkswagen Group doesn't bring their coolest cars to the U.S.
Then they go and stick their necks out for us and bring us the Golf R, and what do you do? You leave 'em high and dry, you sorry bunch of ingrates!
Sure, it's not the greatest car Volkswagen makes, or the fastest, and you can get a hell of a lot more performance and luxury for that price tag elsewhere. But it's something, dammit, and they're gonna stop bringing this crap over entirely if you don't step it up. You want a Volkswagen lineup consisting entirely of unpronounceable SUVs and that godawful Jetta they're peddling these days? Get your act together. Jesus.
7. Subaru Tribeca (1,598 sold)
Huh. Um, yeah.... the Tribeca. It's great to own because it has... tires and seats, I guess. It is definitely a vehicle, and therefore superior to walking. Plus, there's something to be said for owning the least-interesting Subaru in history, right?
Some of these cars are hard to defend.
6. Volvo C30 (1,361 sold)
Awww, this makes me sad! The C30 is a genuinely neat little car. Yeah, it's not as good as many of its rivals in the warm-to-hot hatch segment, and Travis was thoroughly unimpressed with the expensive Polestar version. But it's got that cool shooting brake-ish body that still looks good after all these years. Five-cylinder power, too! It's now been discontinued. Too bad it went out with a whimper instead of a bang.
5. Jaguar XK (1,346 sold)
I don't know what happened here. The XK is a classy machine! True, the current one is getting a bit long in the tooth, but it still looks really great. Ian Callum doesn't mess around with his designs, people. And while many people may have been lured towards the hot new Jaguar F-Type instead, make no mistake — the XK has plenty of hustle, especially when you start adding more letters to its name. It's a shame it isn't selling well.
4. Nissan GT-R (1,236 sold)
Okay. Now I think you must be straight-up trolling me, America. You bought less than 1,300 Nissan GT-Rs? Why do you hate speed so much? I thought speed was a good thing.
Yeah, the GT-R has ballooned in price to about $100,000 these days. But you know what it's faster than? Everything. The latest one does zero to 60 mph in 2.7 seconds. What's quicker than that? A Bugatti Veyron, your douchey cousin's Hayabusa, and a cruise missile. That's it, people. Rethink your priorities and buy more GT-Rs.
3. Mitsubishi i-MiEV (1,029 sold)
Actually, good call staying away from this one, America.
2. Mitsubishi Lancer Sportback (682 sold)
I don't get this one at all. Yeah, the Lancer isn't the most competitive small car on the market, or even the most affordable. But it's honest, dammit. It is what it is. There's got to be some honor in that.
Plus, which Lancer would you rather own? The boring old sedan or the super-useful Sportback wagon? This one is clearly the superior choice when it comes to Lancers, even if it starts at a mind-blowing $18,595 and your money is almost certainly better spent on something else.
1. Acura ZDX (361 sold)
I don't know if you jamokes have noticed this but the days when Acura made stuff like the Integra and the NSX are long gone. It's not the 1990s anymore. People complain about how boring Acura's lineup is now, but then they go and ignore what was easily the most interesting car they made: the ZDX.
What's not to love? Just look at that styling! That fine, egg-like body. That stunning Acura grille, majestic like the beak of a mighty eagle in flight! And because it's so impractical, no one's ever going to ask you to help them move if you own one. Tell your stupid kid to move into their own dorm room: You have a ZDX.
Acura killed off the ZDX last year, and that's sad. The 361 of you who bought one should consider yourselves financial geniuses, because this is sure to become a collector's item someday. Future classic? You better believe it.