The Escalade Is The Last Real Cadillac, So Don't Screw It Up

Dear GM, there is only one proper Cadillac left and it's the Escalade. You're debuting the 2015 Cadillac Escalade today. Here's why you can't screw it up.

The first tip-off that the Escalade is the last proper Cadillac is the name — everything else has devolved into some kind of 'I wish I was German' mess of pointless letters. It started when you turned the Deville and the Seville into the DTS and the STS. Now we have the CTS and the ATS, which mean nothing at all, and the SRX, which makes my brain hurt.

But the Escalade is still the Escalade, with a name that resolutely projects 'GET YOUR ASS OUT OF MY WAY I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN YOU' just as well as an Eldorado badge did back in the day.

Let me say that making your cars into welterweight wannabes seems to be working for you, Cadillac. The ATS and CTS are still making headlines, but what's good for your smaller sedans is not good for your last proper fullsizer.

Other than the limited-run CTS-V, the Escalade is the last Cadillac that burbles. It rumbles and roars the way that a proper Cadillac should, and it deserves styling that reflects this not-quite stately attitude.

The Escalade Is The Last Real Cadillac, So Don't Screw It Up

I've been worried about this upcoming Escalade for a while now, GM. The second-generation model had such a perfect face. Even the last-generation model had that over-the-top character.

The Escalade Is The Last Real Cadillac, So Don't Screw It Up

And let me tell you, the world wants that classic Cadillac feel. There's been a resurgence recently of old-school Caddy love, most notably from Macklemore's "White Walls." It's a better ad for Cadillac than most of your own work and it's up to over four and a half million views just on the strength of big, floaty Caddys of old.

Even better is Lorde's "Royals," which puts Cadillacs as a better, honest, blue-blood alternative to a Maybach.

But every song's like gold teeth, Grey Goose, trippin' in the bathroom
Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin' the hotel room,
We don't care, we're driving Cadillacs in our dreams.
But everybody's like Cristal, Maybach, diamonds on your time piece.
Jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash.
We don't care, we aren't caught up in your love affair.

This is a good moment to point out that Lorde is from New Zealand, where they don't even sell Cadillacs. Moreover, Lorde is 16, so it's not like she was around when Don Draper picked up his blue hardtop.

So don't be tempted to bring your ATS-like delicacy to the Escalade line, because it's not going to work.

Keep the Escalade the mustard and mayonnaise Vogue tire beast that it should be. The world loves proper Cadillacs, and the Escalade is the last one left.

Photo Credits: GM