Jalopnik: Xjs

PCH, Book Of Revelations Edition: Gray Market V12 Jag or Cheap 6.9 Benz?

Murilee Martin — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 17:20:00 EST

Welcome to Project Car Hell, where you choose your eternity by selecting the project that's the coolest... and the most hellish! It seems that the Japanese won't be celebrating an improbable victory over PCH Superpower Britain this time around, with the Land Rover beating the Nissan Patrol 57% to 43% in our poll. Today we're going to return to a couple of perennial PCH heavy hitters, cars that we all really really want, yet make us stagger back in awe and horror when contemplating the magnitude of the task they represent: the Mercedes-Benz 6.9 and the Jaguar V12!

There are ordinary Project Car Hell vehicles, and then there are the heavyweights. The projects that, in the words of the prophet John in Revelations 20:10, will have you "thrown into the lake of burning sulfur, where the beast and the false prophet had been thrown. They will be tormented day and night for ever and ever." In fact, the Book Of Revelations is the only shop manual you'll need with a PCH Heavyweight, and quite a bit of it is devoted to the V12-equipped Malaise Era Jaguar. In '82, you could buy a new XJ-S in the USA for $32,100 (about 72 grand today), but some pollutin' folks decided they wanted the 299-horsepower UK-market engine instead of the emissions-friendly 262-horse unit and imported their own. And, of course, those buyers headed right to the DMV, where Franz Kafka himself was waiting for them behind the counter. Fast-forward 25 years, and we find this '82 (go here if the ad disappears), which has a steering wheel on the left side and a price tag of just $695. Whoa, that's just over $50 per cylinder! Only 37,000 miles on the clock, never titled in the USA… is that the deal of the century or what? In a sentence that pretty much sums up Malaise Jag ownership, the seller states that he or she "Had running once but not run in the past few years." Perhaps the Prince Of Darkness fuel injection (PODFI) system is a contributing factor to the non-runningness, but you'll sort that out. Thanks to Delsysdsoftware for the tip!

We never get tired of V12s here, and we also never get tired of the Mercedes-Benz 450SEL 6.9. It's got a big hairy V8, it's got a Citroënesque hydropneumatic suspension, and it's got Top Mob Boss Grade luxury. In 1977, you'd have spent $39,377 for one. In 2008 dollars, that's about $141,000… but some folks don't understand the real value of these machines, which is why depreciation has gnawed away an astonishing 99.7% of the inflation-adjusted value of this 1977 Mercedes-Benz 450SEL 6.9 (go here if the ad disappears). That's got to be some sort of record, and you can be the beneficiary of this madness. Fainthearted types might think the seller's statement "this was a parts car i didnt use very many parts off of" is on the disquieting side, but the engine is (allegedly) good! We'll admit the transmission is bad, but the junkyards are full of V8 Benzes, and maybe the transmission out of a non-6.9 will bolt right up and not explode immediately. As for the suspension, how hard could it be? Hey, you can probably get this car for less than 400 bucks; in fact, "whatever you have to get it out of my yard" will take it away.

Mud Bog Jag XJS Sings Dixie With A British Accent

Andrew Stoy — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 18:00:00 EDT

Reader Brian spotted this classy Jaguar XJS-HE at a Wal-Mart in Ft. Pierce, Florida over the weekend, leaving us to ponder how something like this comes about. We're also somewhat surprised at how well the XJS body lends itself to jacked-up 4x4 duty — the proportions just seem to sort of work. But what's underneath that gorgeous British coachwork? Judging by the live axle and frame rails, we're pretty sure it's not a V12/Turbo 400 anymore. (Thanks Brian!)

Jaguar XJS-C, The Car For Small Town Closeted Gay Voyeurs

Wes Siler — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 13:40:00 EDT

We're really starting to like Stick Shift, Vanity Fair's weekly gay car blog. It explains to us the intricacies and variations of the gay psyche in a language we can understand: cars. Take, for instance, that really nice middle-aged guy who runs the local antiques shop. He's always inviting you and your teenage friends over to get high and he lives alone in a big old house that he can't quite afford to keep up. Which is kind of like his car: An old Jaguar XJS convertible. It's got tears in the top, the motor that raises it blew out years ago and the interior smells like mold mixed with Calvin Klein Obsession. He thinks it makes him look like the kind of upper class English man that calls himself The Major, when in reality it makes him look like someone living a lifestyle they can't quite manage. Everyone knows a disaster is looming (in the car's case, it'll require a new engine; in The Major's, an out-of-state move) except for the eternally optimistic owner. [Stick Shift]

The Prince Of Darkness Claims Another Victim

Murilee Martin — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 14:15:00 EDT

Now, we can't say for certain that electrical-system woes sent this 1990 Jaguar XJ-S down the road that ends at the cold steel jaws of The Crusher, because a 99% likelihood is still not certainty. However, when you see an 18-year-old V-12 Jag sitting in the wrecking yard with a straight body and good interior... well, the diabolical laughter of Joe Lucas can be heard somewhere in the distance. It's too bad that photographs really can't do justice to the incredible bulk of that engine (which can be purchased, complete, for $100 next time the yard has a Half Price Day sale, in case you engine swappers like a challenge).

PCH, Legends of LeMons Edition: V12 Jaguar or V8 Dune Buggy?

Murilee Martin — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 17:18:00 EDT

The 429 Mustang II put up a good fight in yesterday's Choose Your Eternity poll, but only a French or Italian car really stands a chance against a Triumph GT6 when it comes to true Project Car Hell. Still, every so often you need to let a PCH underdog take on one of the superpowers. We're going to try it again today, with a British machine squaring off against a German-American mashup, only this time the theme is much different. One thing I've noticed with the cheaper PCH cars is the Super LeMons Potential many commenters observe in the entrants, and so today we're going to look at a couple of cars that would immediately bestow Legend In Their Own Time status upon any team entering either one in a 24 Hours of LeMons race. Each is priced below the $500 mark, each could (in theory) be a credible race car, and each would leave onlookers stunned with a potent mixture of awe, fear, and pity.

When you're showing up at the track with your $500 race car, four cylinders under the hood is ho-hum. Six is a little better, and eight will get you some respect. But when you pop the bonnet and reveal a V-12 beneath, the resulting shocked silence in the pits will be gratifying indeed. Now, there's no way in hell you'll ever get a German V12 machine for under $500 (well, no way that will convince the LeMons judges, at any rate), but folks have this ~~completely justified~~ totally irrational fear of the V12-equipped Jaguar XJ-S... and that means it's deal time! Say, a deal such as this 1991 Jaguar XJ-S (go here if the ad disappears) with an asking price of $500 (which smells like an actual price of more like $300, or some "game room things"). It comes with two V12s, so you have to figure you can make one runner, right? Hell yes! Then you're sure to be able to sell off plenty of unneeded parts on eBay (hey, if I can sell $350 worth of parts off an '84 Volvo, anything is possible) after you've gutted the half-ton of leather and wood from the car. Now, since it's a '91 you'll need to deal with some of the Lucas electrics if you want the engine ECU to function, but maybe all those Prince of Darkness jokes have no foundation in real experience! Get a rollcage in it, put some Cherry Bombs on that sweet-sounding V12, and get ready to leave those peasants in their lesser cars in your dust at the race!

Roaring onto the track in a V12 Jag would get you some respect, all right, but you wouldn't appear to be a total madman with that choice. Sure, your team would look like the greatest mechanics who ever lived if your Jag managed to finish 25 laps under its own power, but where's the Lunatic Factor? That's why you need to consider a car with a 5/95 weight distribution, primitive suspension, and a flimsy fiberglass body. Something, for example, such as this VW-based dune buggy with Olds Toronado transaxle assembly (go here if the ad disappears), which has an asking price of only $450 (or a "NEW OR NEWER HIGHER END LAPTOP"). It doesn't come with the 455 engine, but that's no problem. You see, that transmission has the BOP bolt pattern, which means a huge range of Buick, Oldsmobile, and Pontiac V8s- all available in $50 junker cars in a location near you- may be bolted right in. Oh, and did we mention that Cadillac V8s also used the BOP pattern? No? That means the 500-cube V8 out of the Eldorado will bolt right onto this baby! Just imagine it, if you can: a spindly VW dune buggy with a five hundred cubic inch engine hanging off the back! You might have some oversteer problems at the race, not to mention interesting handling characteristics when you pull the front wheels off the ground under hard acceleration, but you'll have the advantage of a wide berth from all the other drivers on the track. We recommend a really good roll cage, and even better life insurance!

The "Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil" ...

Ray Wert — Tue, 17 Jul 2007 18:15:00 EDT

The "Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil" 1983 Jaguar XJS could bring a fat price at auction. [IHT]

James May on the XJS

Davey G. Johnson — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 21:00:00 EST

We make no bones about thinking the XJS is one of the most beautiful cars of the 1970s. We've loved them since we first saw one as a very small Jalop. Los Angeles, which may be the used-Jag world headquarters is rife with examples that go for very, very little money. So why have we never indulged? Because we are absolutely frightened by the frequency with which things go wrong. Captain Slow takes a restored, improved model for a ride to Liverpool and comes away mightily impressed. We're gonna go check craigslist now. – Davey G. Johnson

Related:
Classic Top Gear: Fifteen-Hundred-Quid Coupes [Internal]

Hecklerspray on the Jaguar XJ

Mike Spinelli — Mon, 31 Oct 2005 09:00:41 EST

If it's Monday, it must be Hecklerspray's Rubbish Cars We Love. This week, the boys share our affections for a car that's second only to the XJ40 in Jaguar's Hall of Deep, Personal Humiliation, the XJS. We first laid eyes on the XJ at the '79 New York Auto show, and we were instantly enraptured — an E-Type for the our generation, we imagined. While history would pronounce us somewhat misled, the XJ is no less lovable for its suckiness. In fact, it's probably more lovable, in the way a kindly, tottering dolt who keeps stepping on his glasses would be to certain members of the opposite sex.

Rubbish Cars We Love: XJS A Big Pussy of a Car [Hecklerspray]

Related:
Fondling the X1/9 [internal]