Suitability Parameters:
Speed Merchants: No
Fashion Victims: Yes
Treehuggers: No
Mack Daddies: No
Tuner Crowd: No
Hairdressers: No
Penny Pinchers: No
Euro Snobs: Yes
Working Stiffs: No
Technogeeks: No
Poseurs: Yes
Soccer Moms: YES!
Nascar Dads: No
Golfing Grandparents: Yes

Also Consider:
• Audi allroad
• BMW 328i xDrive Sports Wagon
• The V70 T5 that Joshman seems a bit desperate to sell
• Mercedes R320 CDI

Vitals:
• Manufacturer: Volvo
• Model year: 2009
• Base Price: $39,500
• Price as Tested: $46,985
• Engine type: 3.0-liter I6
• Horsepower: 281 @ 5,600 RPM
• Torque: 295 @ 1,500 RPM
• Transmission: 6-speed Geartronic Auto
• Curb Weight: 4,092 lbs
• LxWxH: 190.5" x 73.3" x 63.0"
• Wheelbase: 110.0"
• Tires: P235/55R17
• 0 - 60 mph: 7.2 Seconds
• EPA Fuel economy city/highway: 15/22 MPG
• Jalopnik Estimated Fuel Economy: 15.42 (post-Hurricane Conditions)
• NHTSA crash test rating: N/A

Also see:

• 2009 Volvo XC70 T6, Part One
• 2009 Volvo XC70 T6, Part Two

Acceleration: ***
If you're going to get an XC70, pay the extra for the T6 version. The 3.0-liter turbocharged inline-six pumps out 281 horsepower and 295 lb-ft of glorious torque. Though not as punchy as BMW's comparable I6, the Volvo has a fairly linear power delivery and propels the heavy (hey, safety has a cost) AWD wagon off-the-line with surprising vigor. Will you get smoked by a 3-series wagon? Probably. But if you're buying an XC70 you're not racing people at stop lights. You're racing to a sale at Crate & Barrel, and for those rare moments the kids are at their grandparents', you'll be able to race home and make clumsy love to your translucently pale yuppie bride.

Braking: **
The brakes work well, bringing all that safety equipment to a rest quickly and with quick distribution of stopping power to all wheels. The biggest shortcoming, especially if you're going to constantly slam on the brakes, is an uncomfortable mechanical feedback at about 80% brake engagement. Most people may not even notice it but it bugged the hell out of me.

Ride: ****
If you opt for the light-colored leather interior and have kids, there's always the risk of having little Madison or Tristan spill organic juice everywhere after hitting a pothole. The addition of larger shocks makes sure it'll stay in the bottle. The big Volvo manages to maintain a smooth, mostly luxurious ride without feeling too disengaged from the road.

Handling: ***
Anyone buying an XC70 and expecting a corner carver is going to be disappointed. It's a wide, raised wagon with all-season tires that weighs more than 3,600 pounds. Despite everything working against the Volvo it handles well, with the AWD noticeably kicking in only when pushing it beyond reasonable limits (though you'll definitely notice it when it kicks in). Calling it an off-roader is maybe pushing it, but it runs across dirt paths with the sure-footed confidence of a small SUV.

Gearbox: **
Left alone, the six-speed transmission adjusts to changes quickly and, lacking a Sport mode, chooses fairly aggressive shift points if you slam on the go pedal. The geartronic autostick is super annoying, though. You can almost hear the Volvo's internal computer asking "f'real?" (or whatever the Swedish equivalent of "f'real" is), pausing for a second, and then letting you shift. It's fine for in-traffic maneuvering, but let the autostick do its job if you're going to start doing Lewis Hamilton impressions.

Audio: ***
The controls of the Dynaudio surround system are ridiculous, but the inclusion of a numeric keypad means you can program up to 9 favorites, which is helpful if you're going to use the satellite radio to scan for the latest political news or, if you're a Volvo owner, world music. But it doesn't make up for the fact that you have to click through four menu buttons to change the tiny display from showing you a band name (say, Ladysmith Black Mambazo) to an album name (Long Walk To Freedom) at which point you'll have already crashed through a fence. The sound is great, though. Clear. Strong. Great.

Toys: **
The toys are great for a parent, but less than stellar for a kid or kid-at-heart. Integrated child seats that fold out of the regular seat. Boring. Headphone ports for kids in the back. Who cares? Fold-flat seats? Meh. Integrated Bluetooth phone system? Seen it on a Caliber.

Value: **
At $39,500 for the no-frills T6, there's nothing at all that's a great deal about the XC70. It is expensive and the price rockets up after a few completely necessary adjustments if you're a parent. If you're even thinking about shopping for an XC Volvo wagon you don't really care. At the end of the day, it is a niche premium vehicle, and seen through that prism it isn't that bad.

Overall: ***
If you need or, more accurately, think you need an AWD, rugged off-road premium station wagon with a cozy leather interior weighed down with every imaginable piece of safety equipment, then this is the car for you. It isn't a large niche (explaining why the allroad is the only real competition) but it fills it well and it has something important over the competition: it's a Volvo. That means something to some people and, after a little more than a week with this one, it means something to me. I'm not ready to trade in my balls for a balanced stock portfolio, three kids and a five-bedroom Tudor in Grosse Pointe, but if I did the XC70 would be near the top of my list.

Also see:

• 2009 Volvo XC70 T6, Part One

It's not that Houston was as bad as New Orleans after Katrina, or that city managers did a particularly bad job — it's just that when nearly two million businesses and households lose power, a city suddenly becomes devoid of supplies and the mayor of your town goes on the radio and says 'oh yeah, the water might not be safe to drink,' you don't feel so safe and secure anymore. It was a minor apocalypse.

Safe is good. I'm young, but any feeling of invincibility I had quickly evaporated after the 13th time I was nearly t-boned at an intersection (90% of Houston's traffic lights were damaged or without power in the days after the storm). For some reason, a large percentage of Houstonians either never learned a broken stoplight becomes a regular four-way stop or (more likely) just didn't care. A scary prospect when the streets are full of utility trucks.

Driving became a contact sport, and I was comforted with the thought that I'd be driving myself and my loved ones around in the safe confines of a Volvo. I thought, "what the hell?" The worst thing that could happen is one of the thousands of cherry-pickers in the area runs right into me and one of Volvo's many acronyms will help me out. Something like WHIPS or HSS or VIC or SIPS. I don't know what those are but they gotta help, right?

In a serious disaster you're going to want a Unimog with a gun turret. But the XC70, which is essentially a lifted AWD V70 wagon with a more rugged body, actually turned out to be kind of the perfect car for this sort of mild-disaster. If you have to trot off the road to get around a downed power line, the Volvo handles itself well in the dirt, finding traction and redistributing power appropriately. I wouldn't try to invade a foreign country with it, but the extra ground clearance and AWD made jumping curbs easy — and trust me, you'll jump a lot of curbs in a disaster area. Stuck behind a 100-car-long gas line? Jump the curb. High water? Jump the curb. H-E-B Groceries has ice? Jump the curb.

Compared to a truck, which is the typical go-to vehicle in these situations, the XC70 also performs well in more aggressive on-road driving. This came in handy while driving along a city street only to suddenly discover what looked like the remains of a small forest stacked not on the sidewalk but in the middle of the street. When there's a devastating emergency, like what took place further south in Galveston, the authorities are everywhere with yellow tape and barriers. All the debris and damage in Houston was marked with these little orange flags you wouldn't see until it was too late.

This was the T6 version of the XC70, meaning it was equipped with the torquey turbocharged inline-6, which provides ample oomph for the heavy wagon. I wasn't running away from angry looters or anything dramatic like that, but a curfew was in place in Houston requiring everyone to get home by a certain hour. Also, the lack of anyone working in downtown Houston meant relatively empty roads for a while (might as well make the most of a tough situation, right?).

You know what you need in a minor disaster? Bright-ass lights. There's either no power or, if there is power, the lights are broken anyway. After shitting in the dark for a few days I learned to love the light and not care that I was that asshole with the too-bright lights shining in everyone else's face and mirrors. The XC70 has dual xenon headlights with "active bending" that turn around the corner when you do, which came in handy when I turned the corner of my parking garage only to find a big ass hole in the freaking floor marked by a couple of small cones.

The tough Volvo, offering more space than its V70 XC predecessor, is also a good place to store goods. This was a nice feature when I realized I had to throw out all of the rotting food in my refrigerator and all that was left was a can of tuna. After a few days without power or restaurants I may never be able to eat canned meats again. A trip to the now-open supermarket to fill up on fresh veggies, meats and replacements for discarded condiments barely dented the XC70's cargo space, which is even more impressive when the rear seats are folded flat.

At the end of the day I made out a lot better than most people. I have all of my stuff. I was able to find the Internet and keep working. I got my power back. I also had a chance to put the Volvo's "Cross Country Club" reputation to the test. And like my fellow Southeast Texas residents, the Volvo stepped up when it counted. This all came together when I handed off the XC70's keys to the valet at a local pizzeria, one of the first places to get power. With the minor disaster fading, my yuppie ass was safe and, in true Houston fashion, my yuppie ass was about to get fed.