Okay, we can buy the notion of robotic geishas with katanas coming out of interesting and uncomfortable places, and the "bust gun" is pretty funny, but things start going off the tracks with the chainsaw head thing. Then a geisha transforms into a freeway tank. And then "fried shrimp." What in the hell is going on here? This is one very over-the-top concept and thoroughly insane, but from the preview, it's making more sense than Transformers 2.

[Fliqz]

Living with, and calling a white Volkswagen Beetle, your "girlfriend" is not something that most of us would consider to be normal, but Edward Smith insists that he loves his beloved Vanilla (that's her name...) and insists that he's not sick and has no intention of ever changing his reptilian dragon-style ways. And why would he? Who else do you know that's "been with" 1,000+ partners and doesn't use a healthy dosage of Valtrex?

Smith said in his defense:

I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love. Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it's just wonderful.

I'm a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what's in my heart and I have no desire to change. I'm not sick and I don't want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference.

Right...

Smith, 57, recalls having his first sexual encounter with a car at the ripe ol' age of fifteen and claims to have never been attracted to either women or men, although he slept with women in his early years. His last 'real' (and we mean that in the loosest of terms) relationship with a woman was over twelve years ago, but he was unable to consummate it due to his love for the tail pipe. His biggest claim to fame and admitted 'most intense sexual experience' was with the famous helicopter from the 80's hit TV show Airwolf. Ever since he's had a new attraction to all things mechanical.

Wiktionary gives us this semi-official definition:

mechaphilia

From mechanic + -philia

Noun

Singular
mechaphilia

1. A sexual desire for a mechanical inanimate object.

Somehow our own personal fetishes don't seem all that bad anymore. (Hat Tip To Clay!)

[via Telegraph.co.uk]

This creepy Dodge Neon was spotted on I-275, just west of Detroit, while we were cruising in our contributor, Diddle's Mexican candy-equipped Squeeze Green 2011 Ford Fiesta. Needless to say, we weren't very hungry after seeing this.

Seriously, how cool is this? You could be both Maverick and Goose at the same time while simultaneously fulfilling the Wright Bros. dreams. We're going to mark this down in our books as a serious win-win for all parties involved. [via seorant]

Officer Jeffry Karau responded to reports of lewd activity and public disturbance at the Publix parking garage at the Cape Coral Shopping Center. A crowd had gathered around a prominently parked 1998 Lincoln Town Car and the onlookers feverishly pointed the officer in that direction. When he approached the car, the passenger, well, the only human passenger, emerged and presented his drivers license. Officer Karau observed through the window a pair of naked blow-up dolls and the game was afoot.

On site witnesses report the man had parked in the space and proceeded to make out and have relations with his rubbery twins, as well as expose himself by way of customized shorts, which police confiscated in the interest of decency. The man (the myth, the legend) was taken into custody and charged with both disturbing the peace, and trespassing after warning. Charges for lewd conduct (for the whole "custom" shorts thing) are pending. We just want to know what the deal is with all those king size packages of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Let this be a lesson to you — never look into cars parked in public garages, you might be scarred for life by what you see. [TheSmokingGun]

We're sorry, that was a really bad pun. Little know fact, Wert likes to bust out that jingle, in full song, with dance moves, at the least appropriate possible times and repeat it until it's stuck in everyone's head. Another instance where Wert is wrong, so very, very wrong. [Jugsi]

The girl was pulled over last Tuesday outside of Whangarei after police noticed erratic driving, when asked for identification she provided none, and then gave a false name which she then could not spell. At that point the delicate young flower was taken into custody and when a breathalyzer test was administered at the station, she managed 828 micrograms when 150 mcg is the legal limit for drivers above 15 and under 20. Needless to say she's been remitted to Youth Aid services where calls from the Maury Povich show have been coming in hard and fast. [Stuff.co.nz]

To update you on the original story of the note claiming an AIDS-infected suicide jumper, let's start with the car owners. Seems the car is owned by couple Mark and Lina who have had one hell of a couple months, starting with the Honda getting broken into in September, a motorcycle getting stolen in October, the Civic getting crushed by a suicidal, drunken AIDS-infected naked guy and insurance covering none of it. The whole terrible story, along with the timeline are below the gallery.

Mark and Lina’s Story – A Bad Couple of Months

Timeline:

September 13, 2008: Mark’s Honda Civic get broken into in Hayes Valley, San Francisco, and the same weekend, two upstairs apartment units get broken into through an open window.

October 10, 2008: Mark’s Triumph motorcycle gets stolen from Hayes and Buchanan.

October 24, 2008: License plates from said Triumph are recovered in Tenderloin, San Francisco by SFPD. Both the in the car pulled over by SFPD are on parole for auto theft and get arrested for possessing stolen motorcycle plates.

November 14, 2008: Mark’s Honda Civic gets crushed by a guy attempting suicide by jumping off the top of their building.

December 3, 2008: Triumph motorcycle is found by CHP in Hayward, completely trashed, being held together by bungee cords and is totally unsalvageable.

Lina’s statement:

“We’d had a couple of stressful months relative to cars and motorcycles, with the break-in of our car, the break-ins in our apartment building , and then Mark’s bike being stolen. Needless to say when we walked to our car to drive to a friend’s birthday dinner on Saturday the 14th, we thought someone was playing a joke on us. When we walked up, there was glass so far away from the car, we thought ‘Oh my God, did someone break into our car again? For what!? The stereo’s already gone!’

Getting closer, it looked like just a lot of glass. When we got to the car, we realized it wasn’t just a break-in – then we saw the hood and the now infamous note from our neighbor. We stood there in shock for a few minutes, and then a couple came out of 600 Fell St. and said ‘Holy crap dude, is this your car?” We just sort of nodded in silence.

The tenant went on to tell us what happened: The man on the 6th floor who jumped, and yes, who has AIDS, was not altogether sober, and this wasn’t the first time he’d attempted suicide. He had jumped off his 6th floor balcony (about 80 feet up) and went through the electrical wires, spraying sparks everywhere, and then landed on our car. The wires broke his initial fall, and then of course he hit the hood. And yes, he was naked. Supposedly, he got off the car by himself and pulled himself to the curb, then passed out. The last news we heard was that he’s in an induced coma.

So, about the notes: there were two on our car when we got there, one which was a police report with an incident number – I filled out the report and sent it in but haven’t heard back yet – and the other, hand-written one, was from our building manager. The car was left on the street from Saturday, when we found it, until Monday morning, when it was towed.

We had the car towed, got some estimates to fix it and of course the damage was way more than the value of the car. We talked to our insurance company, which wouldn’t cover anything. My husband didn’t have theft insurance on the motorcycle to boot, so we’re basically S.O.L.

We ended up calling our local news-talk radio station, KGO-AM, to speak with their on-air lawyer Len Tillem about our legal options. He said that Mark was out of luck unless our insurance covered people falling out of the sky (or something to that effect), that the building can’t be held liable and that our insurance policy doesn’t cover it. The guy who jumped, no one has been able to figure out whether he’s got insurance coverage, and he’s in a medically-induced coma with no family around.

To add insult to injury, when the CHP found the motorcyle, it was towed to a scrap yard in Hayward. It was a total wreck – looked like it had been dropped on either side, parts missing and other parts being held together by bungee cords, so obviously driving was out of the question, as was repairing it. So, we made the decision just to let it go. The real clincher was that we had to pay $370 for the towing fee, storage fee and disposal fee. It’d have been better for us if CHP just hadn’t found it!

So, that’s our story for all the people who’ve wanted some answers. We certainly feel terrible for the person who jumped off of their balcony, and all things considered, we’re blessed in our lives. Here’s hoping that Hayes Valley becomes more secure. We love the area, but the last couple of months have been trying to say the least!

(Thanks for the update Shane)

Text Of The Mysterious Note
Mark your vehicle was involved in an incident. A person fell from the building that you parked next to. Subject that fell has AIDS, as a warning to you to be careful. Attached is a case # of the incident.

It seems someone "fell" off the tall building the car was parked next to and landed on the car. And to top things off, the faller apparently had AIDS! The note ends up creating more questions than answers. Did the person live? Does the owner know about the car yet? How did this happen? Did they jump or fall? How do you "fall" off a building? One thing is clear though, this is incredibly bizarre. Oh, and one more thing, this happened on Fell Street. [Treyblog]

We're not 100% sure what is going on in this image, but it looks to us as though this man is the proud owner of both a Ford Focus sedan and an early 1990's Spirit/Acclaim. Given that the Pentastar sedan already has custom rims, we wouldn't be surprised if the gentleman is trying to install aftermarket fog lights and has rigged a way to suspend himself upside down for the installation. But hey, that's just a guess. What do you think is going on here? (h/t Bob)[Google Street View]

Yes indeed, one of the two ever built is going against the block and at the moment of writing, fetching a positively reasonable $8,100. Sure there are over six days left before the winner is declared, and it is out in LA so all those red meat loving, SUV driving wackos will be all over it, but still — Ferrari SUV. Cool. [eBay Listing] (Thanks for the tip mtdrv)

Seems the car thief in question showed up to test-drive Shaun Ironside's car, a right-hand-drive 1991 JDM Skyline GT-R — not exactly a low-profile ride — and never came back. Now it so happens that Ironside, in addition to being a clever enough fellow to get a JDM Skyline into Calgary, was plenty observant enough to notice that the Albertan Einstein in question had only eight fingers, and resourceful enough to post his description on the Beyond.ca forums. After that, it was only a matter of time until his eventual capture, which while merely the dénouement of the epic, is still very satisfying. [Wired, YouTube]

There is simply no way the animated content we viewed was produced without the assistance of extremely illegal substances. The Wachowskis may be pushing the envelope on chemically aided imagination with their remake of Speed Racer, but this takes things to a whole new level. Above is a sample of outtakes we remixed. Pay attention for Jeremy Clarkson's head with an elephantine nose walking on four arms. Shudder. And for more, go to Cyriak

"...is from GM's Rear Wheel Drive Performance Studio. Plus, the roof of the Volt is chopped. It appears with this mystery Chevy the roof has more of an arch near the c-pillar...Anyway, the grille appears to be larger on this Chevy, plus it looks like the Malibu. Malibu coupe = Chevelle."

[Camaro In Clay Close-Up]

Chevelle Spotted? Mystery RWD Chevy Coupe Spotted In GM Released Photo [The GM Source]

Related:
My Name Is Josh Oliver [internal]