Britain was braced for more bleeding obvious advice this week as forecasters warned of another incoming front of TRAVEL CHAOS. This new warning comes only days after the whole country awoke to find a six inch covering of TRAVEL CHAOS had covered much of the British Isles overnight with more flurries of TRAVEL CHAOS over the following 24 hours.

However, whilst a further dusting of TRAVEL CHAOS could be a problem in itself, some experts say the real danger for drivers is of being hit by a sudden shower of sodding patronising advice from motoring organisations. "If this weather continues, drivers need to be extra careful to avoid large patches of fucking obvious advice," noted Dr Gneil Pipely, Head of Wasting Everyone's Time Studies at All Saints College, Appleton. "For example, it's all too easy to be in the car listening to the radio when, next thing you know, you're being told to avoid any journey that isn't necessary, and by the time you sense the smugly high minded tone it's too late to take evasive re-tuning action".

But facile warnings apparently aimed at people who just drive around in their cars for no reason whatsoever could be only the tip of a very patronising iceberg, Dr Pipely warns. With the expected return of TRAVEL CHAOS motorists should also be on high alert for other blandly useless information such as 'carry a warm rug in the car', 'take a flask of tea with you on every journey', 'if the road looks icy, don't bang the car into first gear and mash the throttle like a mentalist' and 'always arrange for a St Bernard to run everywhere after your car just in case you drive into a crevace on the M4'. Motorists are also reminded that a good way to keep warm during TRAVEL CHAOS is to smash the car radio repeatedly with a hand jack until Sally fucking Traffic on Radio 2 just fucking shuts up.

"Ha ha ha," said some motorists in Sweden and Canada whilst driving perfectly well through a massive snow storm. "What is wrong with you people?" they added, grittily.

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As a resident of a colony still loyal to her magisty the queen... You stupid POMS.

This is what you get when you outlaw SUV's in london, build rangerovers that have plush interiors and are fitted with summer tyres as "all season" and snub your noses at us "amuricuns" (inferring the US and Canada).

Step away from your pub pies, your warm chewy beer and put your backs into it you lazy slobs. Your a disgrace to the proper civilized world.

I think Clarkson should import a snowplow (perhaps a unimog version.. i love mog's) and loan a helping hand.. wonder what the congestion charge is for driving a plow through the center of london.

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Sissies.

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I woke this morning to headlines and telly "journalists" screaming at me about the "White Terror". I walked out of my front door, the vaguest hint of a crunch of snow under my feet, got into my car (didn't have to scrape the windscreen) and drove off into the dawn.

On my way down a hill, I felt the back end of the car break away momentarily, but nothing major. A few times the ABS cut in. But nothing major.

When I got to work 25 miles later there was a moderate dusting of snow. Some of the show cars had to be de-iced. We had to grit the car park. And on the roads?

All around me there was carnage. An articulated lorry jack-knifed into the median. A Toyota Rav 4 launched from the road into a roadside ditch, being craned out with 9 Police cars surrounding it. Abandoned cars lining the main road. Service stations closed "for safety". There was no traffic on the roads, suburban streets were lined with dormant BMWs under a half inch of snow.

"Do not make any unnecessary journeys" was the mantra repeated ad nauseum by everyone and anyone. But what was an unnecessary journey? Going to work? Kids to school? It would seem that the great unwashed elected to remain safely beneath duvet this morning, and those who didn't forgot how to drive.

Even New Fucking York can cope with snow, which it gets in abundance, and in the summer there it gets hotter than Madrid! In London, where the only way to tell whether it's summer is by measuring how warm the drizzle is, anything climatically more than a few percent away from the mean is cause for panic, fear, dread and unsettlement.

Tonight, rather than being at home in the warm, watching BBC news looking all grave about the prospect of another inch of snow, I will be in my car, looking for a nice wide stretch of snowbound and abandoned highway, where I shall be handbrake-turning and do-nutting late into the night.

And I invite all those the other side of the Atlantic who feel my pain and join with my consternation to be with me in spirit.

We drift as brothers.

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I also view New Yorkers through the prism of Bill Murray's "Scrooged"

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Might have to take the train tomorrow. :( Apparently they're running okay up here.

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If this happened in Detroit, would that mean they'd make $1.7B due to lost losses?

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PS: Yay, my new avatar is working!

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