Topical? No, because this all took place back on January 11th, but somehow it escaped our notice until now.

Apparently, the Porsche's owner parked the car over some still-hot coals from a pre-game BBQ. During the course of the game the coals set fire to the Porsche, resulting in a total loss. So not only did these Giants fans lose the game, they're also taking out their rage on an already destroyed car. Fail.

Hat tip to Eric!

The incident occurred after fancy car-owning neighbors called the cops on Paris Hilton's little shin dig at 4am with noise complaints. Allegedly Hilton or guests then keyed and egged six cars, including two Maseratis and a Veyron. Police have already interviewed the heiress, but speculation indicates that she's likely way too lazy to have done the deed herself. [via LA Times]

All four foreign-made cars were found by their owners with two tires slashed and the words "Buy USA" scrawled across the windshield. We mentioned in our earlier post police were looking for a middle-aged man driving a red Ford Escape, but had yet to catch a lead on the identity of the man. As you can see in the video above, the man parks his car, does the slicing and dicing then quickly goes on with his day presumably in a hurry to plot his next act of Carpocalypse heroism.

When the government doesn't hurry and take action, leave it to the real 'heroes' of the community to do their part.
(Thanks for the tip Henry!)

[via LiveLink]

The vandalism was carried out at Diablo Audi of Concord, California on Friday night by a group of teenagers who were later apprehended by a security guard at a neighboring BMW dealer. Every panel of each damaged vehicle was keyed; necessitating total resprays on many of the vehicles. Total damage is estimated at anywhere between $500,000 and $1,000,000.

"I first noticed (a scratch) on one of our high-performance vehicles," said sales manager Chris Schniegenberg. "Then I turned around and saw it on another. I got sick to my stomach. I called the police and somebody else shouted, 'Hey, there's another one.'"

Damaged cars included RS4s, S8s, TTs, A4s, A6s, A8s, and Q7s as well as used Mercurys.

Information on the teenage perpetrators has not yet been released; Diablo Audi’s insurance will be covering the damage.

[Contra Costa Times via AudiWorld]

Four cars in the Michigan city of Woodhaven were the victims of vandalism targeted at owners of foreign-made cars, including a 2009 Toyota Camry almost certainly assembled in the company's Georgetown, Kentucky plant. Though no one has been arrested in connection with the attacks, highly circumstantial evidence points to distressed autoworkers.

First, the choice of target and the use of the words "Buy USA" gives a fairly clear indication of motive. Second, the incidents took place near a Ford stamping plant. Finally, a middle-aged man driving a red Ford Escape was reportedly seen doing the deed. Of course, it could be anyone.

This event covers stage five (jingoism) and stage three (anger) of the five emotional stages of the Carpocalypse. With prayer already covered, clearly only rioting is left.

[Click on Detroit]

MAD has since announced that a new zero-tolerance policy will be initiated (what policy was active prior?) to eliminate every traffic camera in the country. All we've got to say is — stop being a baby about having to go the speed limit in your 1995 Volkswagen. [Engadget]

I wait tables and bartend at a normal run-of-the-mill restaurant. A few days ago I noticed a shiny new Corvette parked outside totally horizontal, taking up three parking spaces. I love cars; I'd never mess with someone's ride, but I couldn't help but think "Man, I hope somebody with a big POS parks RIGHT next to that guy just to piss him off!" Well I just found out that the owner of said Corvette came in after he ate to find out if we had surveillance cameras outside because somebody threw a cigarette into his car — convertible-top down — and burned up one of the seats! Now I'm not saying whoever did that isn't a complete asshole, but parking your brand new convertible like that just screams "Please, screw with my car!" Further down the parking lot is pretty desolate, he could have just parked another 75 feet away, in a normal spot, and I doubt anybody would have considered doing that, but ...

Gideon Hosein of Halls Trace, Hard Bargain, Trinidad and Tobago is facing bail of TT$150,000 (about 24,000 USD) after attacking seven cars with a freaking cutlass in some kind of sword-wielding Southern Carribean rampage that caused TT$100,000 in damage to the vehicles. Didn't somebody tell the hapless sod that International Talk Like a Pirate Day isn't until September 19th? – Davey G. Johnson

Wrecking 7 cars with a cutlass [Trinidad & Tobago Express]

Related:
eMercedesBenz Helps the Homeless [Internal]

We had a pal in college who liked to wear a black trenchcoat, a Gecko T-shirt and a ring on a lanyard around his neck with a silver ring hanging from it. After a year or so of knowing him, we actually looked at said ring and noticed it had "The Crow" engraved in it. Needless to say, he wasn't exactly beating the ladies off with a stick, except for that one exceedingly odd girl who spoke Klingon. Regardless, he is a smart, sharp dude who now occasionally appears on television. And he dresses better these days. In the UK, however, one particular crow hasn't smartened up. He's horny and territorrial, and when he sees his reflection in the roof of an automobile, he has a tendency to attack it as if it were a romantic rival. Either that, or he's just a really, really big fan of Black Flag's Damaged album and doesn't have a mirror handy. – Davey G. Johnson

Love-crazed crow attacking cars at city business [Peterborough Today, UK]

Related:
Running Wild, Running Free: Rampaging Ostrich Maims Mercedes [Internal]

A friend of ours who owns a pretty serious exotic IM'd us last night asking advice on shitboxes. She wants a high-mileage econobox as a runabout. We suggested the Fit (as we're loath to recommend the Prius to anyone we like — nobody wants asshole friends, after all), but she was bummed by the lack of satnav. We suggested getting the Fit and going aftermarket. After all, none of our serious rallying pals rely on beforemarket nav systems, and Alex Roy has been known to use three or four at once. Apparently, Jorge Bonillapatino of Lawrence, NJ, is of the same mind as Herr Roy. He'd allegedly jacked nav units out of a number of cars in Plainsboro, Garden State. Then the cops caught up to him. Good luck navigating your way out of this one, Jorge. – Davey G. Johnson

Man charged in theft of GPS units from cars [NJ.com]

Related:
Over the Back Fence: Apple Develops Nav System, Mercedes to Offer? [Internal]

Jean-Beavis and Butt-Head-Luc have once again unleashed their antisocial arsonite tendency across Gallic lands last night, as over 200 cars enjoyed the flambé treatment at the hand of a disgruntled citizenry following the nation's latest election. It's the fourth night in a row of such high-temperature shenanigans in protest of the ascent of right-wing Nicolas Sarkozy to presidential office. On the bright side, it's a reduction of nearly a third of burned-out vehicles from the previous evening, which may suggest that the French are running out of cars. – Davey G. Johnson

200 cars burned in France in postelection unrest [Jerusalem Post]

Related:
End of the French Problem? Only 100 Cars Ablaze Last Night [Internal]

Where're Mike Stone and Steve Keller when you need them? While we undoubtedly have left our heart in San Francisco — something that becomes increasingly clear after every passing year we're not in the Bay Area — one thing we don't miss about Baghdad by the Bay is the absolutely nutso propensity of crooks to break into one's car. We've lived in less-than-savory parts of town before, and the only time we've had our car broken into was in SF. Five times in ten years. And three of those were within the space of eight months. But we don't come alone. We are fire, we are stone, and there are at least 15,776 vehicles in SF that feel the same way. And how many people does the SFPD have on the auto detail? Five. Yes. Five. San Francisco, we love you, but really, fuck you. You DPT us to death and then do nothing when our cars get vandalized. We wish we had a more polite response, but well, we just don't. – Davey G. Johnson

Car break-ins out of hand [SFGate]

Related:
Les Rues de San Francisco: Parking Violations on the Installment Plan [Internal]

Yawn. Another new year, another 400 cars set ablaze in the former land of the Frankish kings. However, the LA Times reports that the mayhem quotient was down from last year, when surly youths attacked trains. And while we doubt any '64 Valiants were involved, we wouldn't be surprised if numerous handfuls of valium and copious quantities of beer were. – Davey G. Johnson

Cars set afire in holiday violence [LA Times]

Related:
A Riot of Our Own: How to Torch a Car [Internal]

A month ago, we brought you the tale of the sorry fate of Craig Moore, a young engineer busted for blowing up a speed camera with Thermite after being flashed. Thisislondon has video of both Moore's work van going by and then the sudden explosion of the camera. The reason Moore's plot didn't work? The camera's data is stored in the base. So here's a note to all of you would-be camera-vandalizers: to kill a weed, you've gotta get the roots. Moore just got four months in the pokey for failing to realize that one.

The Moment a Motorist Blows Up a Speed Camera [Thisislondon]

Related:
Disgruntled Motorist Blows Up Speed Camera [Internal]

We think we like the word "motorcars" so much simply because of Angus Young of AC/DC's "Brown SG" rant, where he proclaimed that modern guitars look like "motorcars" and that he wants to open a shop that only sells brown Gibson SGs — and then goes on to paraphrase Henry Ford by saying, "You can get an SG in any color you like, as long as it's brown." Now that we're done with the tangent, we'll admit that part of the reason we're writing this post at all is the title of the source article: "Phone Vigilante Attacking Motor Cars."

While we prefer the compound "motorcars" over "motor cars" it was still close enough. And some guy around Hampshire is going around slashing the tires and leaving notes on the vehicles of motorists he sees using cell phones while driving. That's the gist, the authorities are on it, and at least one of the victims doesn't even rock a celly. Poot.

Phone Vigilante Attacking Motor Cars [Cellular News]

Related:
Hands-Free On My Mind: Georgia Military Installation Bans Cell-Phone Yammering [Internal]

This sorry sight needs no explication. Except this one, from Matthew — our tipster.

Wow... She tagged the Caddy STS, but left the old Honda alone.

Bitch.

Related:
Let that Be a Lesson: Revenge [internal]

Judge Michael Cicconetti (as the source article tells us, his surname is pronounced "chih-kuh-NEH'-tee") has decreed that in lieu of jail time, twenty-year-old Joshua Breeding and 19-year-old Christopher Lyons can shoot up their own vehicles with paintball guns and then clean them up. The pair were caught after splattering another man's vehicle. They'll also have to do forty hours' hard time painting Habitat for Humanity homes and issue an apology to their victim. Oh, the humility!

Paintballers must target their own cars to avoid jail [WHOTV]

Related:
Vandals Strike Gay-Owned Vehicles in Iowa [Internal]

Some people get a little defensive about their land being covered in toll roads, apparently. 18-year-old Cope Allan Schuyler is one of them, we presume. He grabbed a lane delineator and began smashing toll-booth windows on Orange County's 241 toll-road. And when that wasn't enough mayhem for him, he began taking on vehicle headlights until he was tackled by occupants of a Toyota 4Runner he assaulted. Apparently, Cope just couldn't cope with the tolls anymore.

Man smashes car, toll booth windows [Orange County Register]

Related:
Vandals Strike Gay-Owned Vehicles in Iowa [Internal]

We have to admit, when we first read that somebody had used shaving cream to stick pictures of naked men on gay-owned cars in Des Moines, we thought it was slightly funny in a ridiculously childish way. Then we read that the cars were all owned by women. And then we read that racial epithets and phalluses were etched into the cars' paint. At first we imagined a gay merry prankster delivering some post SF Pride Parade merriment to Iowan homosexuals. Now we're just mad. [Thanks to Al for the tip.]

Cars vandalized with nude pix, shaving cream [Des Moines Register]

Related:
More On The Wisconsin Genital Photo Placer: We Don't Wanna See This Guy's Wang [Internal]