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It's not like we were expecting Citizen Kane, but Michael Bay and his crew of (did someone actually write this?) creators actually took a film series about good alien robots disguised as cars fighting evil alien robots on Earth and manages to alienate people, like us, who look forward to a good movie about fighting alien robots. They've lowered the bar so low Devastator couldn't dig (or suck, as it were) it out of the earth. Why is this movie so bad?

Appeals To Die-Hard Fans
Don't feel sorry for us. At least we didn't pay to see the film (well, Wert did. Twice.). Reserve your sympathy for the true Transformers fan. There are little bits of Generation 1 history in the film, especially in the action. The dialogue between Megatron, Starscream, Optimus and the others is full of little treats for the fan-boys. Giving voice duties of Soundwave to Frank Welker was also a great choice. The fan-boys begged for this after the first film and got it. Unfortunately, in order to enjoy the film they'll have to swallow a lot and, for the most part, it completely complicates the film for everyone else.

Poor Optimus Prime. If only he could save the world from Michael Bay.

Mudflap And Skids
These two robot twins we've not-so-affectionately nicknamed Jar and Jar come to make one stellar point about American race relations: both rednecks and ghetto children are equally amusing to normal people. These are the characters kids are supposed to relate to and, what do they do? They call one kid a "pussy" and talk about "busting a cap" in the same person. It's like blackface with a robotic skin complete with a moment where the characters admit "we don't really do much reading." Great role models. At least Optimus Prime from Generation 1 was an actual role model — a leader.

Michael Bay one-upped ol' George Lucas by including two Jar Jar Binks characters.

An Awful Portrayal Of College
The protagonist Sam Witwicky goes to a college that's clearly supposed to be Princeton, but let's just say the Harvard depicted in How High was a million times more accurate. The place is full of hot girls at a ratio you wouldn't find at Florida State University, let alone freaking Princeton. Rainn Wilson's turn as a college professor is amusing, but the opening topics of his Astronomy 101 class have almost nothing to do with Astronomy. Oh, and they blow up a library.

Oh Sam, you get to take an awesome Camaro to school, how rough.

Megan Fox
We know many people appreciate the way she looks and, in the first film, she manages to not completely destroy her lines. In this one they manage to give her fewer words to speak and yet, somehow, she's worse. However, we do need to thank Bay for his frequent slow motion scenes of her breasts bouncing up-and-down in the kind of outfit you wouldn't ever consider wearing for interstellar battle.

Oh no, I've fallen again! Why didn't I wear a bra?

Comebacks
There's some occasionally funny dialogue, including a great line about tight-fitting t-shirts, but to get there you have to trod through some bad-for-a-movie-about-alien-robots lines. "We got a whole bunch of fight coming our way!" or "Bring the rain...again!" Was this movie re-translated from a knock-off Chinese script?

Excuse me while I take a CG dump on your film.

Awful GM Product Placement
The original transformers film was a cargasm to the extreme, full of shiny GM products you could go out and buy. This film was an ode to GM products you can't own: GMC TopKick (discontinued), Corvette Centennial (concept), Chevy Trax (failed concept), Camaro Z28 (cancelled), Chevy Volt (eventually, maybe), Saturn Astra (entire brand sold) and others.

"If you were in this movie, you'd also wish you couldn't talk"

Alice
Here's a bit of a surprise — although we don't want to give away too much — but a giant metallic tongue comes out of this girl's anus.

You think anyone will notice us up here?

Suspension Of Disbelief
A certain character in the film has been plotting revenge on the human race for thousands of years and yet, when it comes down to it, the plans he makes are nonsensical. A trap is sprung with the use of Sam's annoying parents. They're the bait. But it's in the middle of a full-blown battle and is apparently premised on the belief that everyone will just stop fighting. Also, a battleship equipped with a rail gun will suddenly start taking firing orders from a crazy man with a Jordanian military radio.

We'll admit, this scene was fairly awesome.

So to sum it all up — just go see Star Trek again. Or run the first movie's battle scenes over and over again. Oh and yes, we hope this guy doesn't fire us.

The RSV 1000 R made a cameo in the first film, performing the very uncharacteristic two-wheeled stunt of sliding on it's side, allowing its rider to shoot Decepticons in the crotchal area to a very unexpected-in-anything-but-a-Michael-Bay-movie result. Expect something similar in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. We just hope Shia doesn't pretend like he knows how to ride it.

The press release follows:

Aprilia USA Brought Hollywood to Road Racing with Blockbuster Debut

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen inspired Aprilia race bike unveiled
during action-packed Road America weekend

NEW YORK, NY – June 6, 2009 – Aprilia USA added a special dose of Hollywood
blockbuster excitement to the AMA Pro Daytona SportBike series when it
unveiled a one-of-a-kind Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen inspired race
bike today. This special stealth edition of an Aprilia RSV 1000 Factory
competition machine made its debut during Round 6 of the road racing series
at Road America in Elkhart Lake, WI.

The aggressively styled Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen Aprilia bike
revved up excitement for the June 24 opening of one of this year's most
anticipated movies among an estimated audience of over 70,000 race fans.

Enthusiasts had plenty of chances to see the bike up close, on the track,
online and will be able to watch it during a future segment of AMA Pro Prime
Time on SpeedTV. Following its Paddock debut, KWS Factory Aprilia Millenium
Technologies rider Ben Thompson (97) took the bike to the starting grid
twice. Race 1 of the Daytona SportBike was at 4 p.m., Saturday, June 6 and
Race 2 begins at 2 p.m. on Sunday, June 7. In addition to his exclusive
ride, Thompson waged an equally ferocious helmet, whose design matches the
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen theme.

In addition, Aprilia hosted an exclusive Midwest unveiling of the
revolutionary 2010 RSV 4 Factory streetbike. Expected to transform the
production superbike category with its unique blend of brutal power, Italian
style and technical innovation, this was the very first Midwest appearance
of the Aprilia RSV 4. It is the only RSV 4 currently on U.S. soil.

Aprilia and superbike fans also had the chance to test the latest
motorcycles from the Italian manufacturer by partaking in the Aprilia
Adventure: Road America. For riders who want to experience the adrenaline
rush of Aprilia motorcycles, the Aprilia Adventure is the antidote to the
traditional short demo ride. Instead of a few minutes riding through
traffic, enthusiasts had plenty of time to fully appreciate the real
capabilities of the bikes. Along the way, participants also enjoyed
hospitality, refreshments and an Aprilia gift bag. The Aprilia Adventure
was open to licensed riders with proper riding gear for $20.00 per person.

[MTV via Gizmodo]

[via TFW2005]

The preview we were given yesterday certainly didn't do this new trailers cut any justice, but as you can see now, this newest incarnation of everybody's favorite Hasbro-toy line come-to-life is looking better and better everyday. Hell it's even making us feel smarter. If this doesn't sell you on the idea of padding Michael Bay's pockets then he might as well...well, he might as well just give us another Transformers movie after this one. So long as he gives us more of our favorite character. [via traileraddict, TFW2005]

The full high-res version of the trailer's supposedly going to be available tomorrow at 3:00 PM. Expect us to have that up as soon as we get a copy. For the moment, here's some more details on what to expect and why we might see some alternate versions depending on what early-summer blockbuster you happen to be going to see.

Despite the company's overwhelming presence in the film, including a Chevy Beat or Chevy Spark or whatever, Camaro and a Corvette Stingray Concept, the company has decided not to buy a large amount, if any, commercial time with advertisements connecting their products to the movie. Especially as the movie is essentially one long GM commercial. There are two main factors at work here:

1.) GM's slashing its marketing budget by $800 million in 2009. There simply isn't the same pool of marketing dollars the company had back in 2007, when the original Transformers launched.

2.) GM is predictably gun-shy after plane-gate and the Citibank/Mets deal left many wondering if the new Mets Stadium should be called "Taxpayer Field" while the company takes a bailout.

This move reduces the impact Chevy might get out of the launch of the 2010 Chevy Camaro and may increase the burden on Paramount to fork over dollars to support their expensive blockbuster. Maybe Optimus Prime or a strategic use of web advertisement can save them. It'd certainly save us. Optimus Prime that is. We love a long-nosed semi, what can we say.

[via Ad Age]

This very clever poster is the work of graphic artist Tim Doyle and obviously parodies the previously omnipresent "Change" poster of now-President Obama. It was printed as a limited edition 18×24 inch poster which Transformer fiends snapped up for $30 without hesitation. There was even glow in the dark version which disappeared just as quickly. If you're a similarly afflicted Transformers nut, keep your eyes on Nakitomi, where a reprint may happen if demand is heavy enough. Freaks. [SlashFilm]

We also have Sunshine Cleaners for $15. That's a good deal. You'd pay the same in the movie theater but this way you can do it from the comfort of your own home and miss the pivotal scene when the cameraman runs to the can. It's no big deal. Alan Arkin kills a dude and the crew has to cover it up. Simple.

Mere days after seeing some of the Chevy action in Chicago, we've now got this new trailer to dissect for Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen. We're looking for a better copy, but for the moment — this one ain't too shabby.

We've also included our live shots of our time spent Wednesday with the Chevy stars of the new film — Sideswipe — the Corvette Stingray Concept, Bumblebee — Chevy Camaro and Jolt — the Chevy Volt.

[YouTube link via Transformers Live Action Blog]

Although we already showed you how Chevy put together the big Bumblebee statue, we wanted to get a chance to satisfy my robogasmic desires (destroying some of our commentariat's hopes to never see another word written about this movie) with a few shots of the new-and-slightly-more-Mad-Max-ish Bumblebee II Camaro from Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen. Sure, we've already given you the new "Sideswipe" Stingray Corvette Concept, but no love's yet been given to one of our most valued commenters. So, voila, below are our shots of this yellow bowtied Camaro-Transformers tie-in love.

Below that, we've also re-run the "How To Build Bumblebee" shots. In case you missed them.

It looks as if they're all there, but if you don't remember from your hazy drug-induced childhood, here's a list of all the Decepticons needed to transform into this hell-spawned massive robot and their original body locations.

Bonecrusher (Demolitions)
He transforms into a bulldozer.
He forms the left arm of Devastator.

Scavenger (Mining and Salvage)
He transforms into an excavator.
He forms the right arm of Devastator.

Scrapper (Construction Engineer)
He transforms into a wheeled front-load shovel.
He forms the right leg of Devastator

Hook (Surgical Engineer)
He transforms into a crane.
He forms the head and shoulders of Devastator.

Long Haul (Transport)
He transforms into a dump truck.
He forms the lower torso of Devastator.

Mixmaster (Materials Fabrication)
He transforms into a concrete mixer truck.
He forms the left leg of Devastator.

[tfw2005 via HELL!!]

We've also now got galleries below on each of the new Autobots that we just took live here at the Chicago Auto Show — including the new Stingray Corvette Concept.

Look out for the Audi R8 amid the explosions, sinking aircraft carriers and Megan Fox's purty face. Check out our Super Bowl Ad Watch tag for all the rest of tonight's big car commercials. UPDATE: Screen shots from the HD version of the trailer below!

The Transformers forum fan-boys at TFW2005 found a new Activision website for the inspired-by-Transformers-2 video game. The front page of the new game site features a shot of the robot modes for the Chevy Spark and Trax. Frankly, they both look like hicks. Ghetto hicks, but yes, hicks. Seriously, look at the sleepy eye and bored, folded-over arms. I half expect the Chevy Spark (also known as Skids in the movie) to be sitting back in a rocking chair on a porch, hat on head, and a piece of straw in its mouth. Maybe a banjo sitting next to him. What say you?
[Activision via TFW2005]

Roberto Orci, head writer on Transformers:Revenge Of The Fallen, the sequel to the blockbuster of two summers ago, claimed in a web chat on fan-site TFW2005 that the Chevy Volt was not in the original script, but rather was foisted upon them at the last minute.

When asked the question:

Was the Chevy Volt TF kind of shoved into the film by GM and not really in the script?

Orci responds:

Yes. Had to figure it out last minute.

This confirms other reports we'd heard from movie insiders who've told us the Volt was a last minute requested addition by the General. Apparently, the GM team was adamant the Volt be included and wouldn't take no for an answer. Keep in mind this is different than what Michael Bay did in the first movie — personally selecting all the vehicles to appear in the film. (Hat tip to Jack!)

[via TFW2005]