Officer Jeffry Karau responded to reports of lewd activity and public disturbance at the Publix parking garage at the Cape Coral Shopping Center. A crowd had gathered around a prominently parked 1998 Lincoln Town Car and the onlookers feverishly pointed the officer in that direction. When he approached the car, the passenger, well, the only human passenger, emerged and presented his drivers license. Officer Karau observed through the window a pair of naked blow-up dolls and the game was afoot.

On site witnesses report the man had parked in the space and proceeded to make out and have relations with his rubbery twins, as well as expose himself by way of customized shorts, which police confiscated in the interest of decency. The man (the myth, the legend) was taken into custody and charged with both disturbing the peace, and trespassing after warning. Charges for lewd conduct (for the whole "custom" shorts thing) are pending. We just want to know what the deal is with all those king size packages of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Let this be a lesson to you — never look into cars parked in public garages, you might be scarred for life by what you see. [TheSmokingGun]

Blatantly draping a scantily clad female friend or significant other across your boring ride and using the pics to sell your car is a time honored tradition in the world of cars, but pretending that woman is you and writing your ad in comic sans and using phrases like "My daddy says" is just creepy. This is just what user lindosojosss has done.

How do we know? Well, first, no self respecting woman would write an ad so blatantly sexualizing herself for profit. We know women, and they're too smart to do that. Oh, and in his YouTube walk-around video of the car, we can clearly see a hairy dude in the reflections. Also, there's those fat sausage fingers he's using to start the car up.

That being said, this is just a terribly exploitative ad with awful pictures we could barely get through. Yeah, that's going to be the company line. We found ourselves scrolling through every picture, scrutinizing them in detail out of complete disbelief, disgust and a bunch of other negative-sounding things. If you don't believe us, well, we really only read the ad for the specs, we swear. [eBay Listing via Reddit]

No question: the Lincoln Town Car is a dinosaur. It's the only remaining American passenger car still using body-on-frame construction. Its 4.6-liter V8 is an antiquated iron block single overhead cam lump that huffs-out a mild-mannered 239 horses @ 4900 rpm. The automatic transmission has fewer gears than you've got fingers on one hand. The steering is lighter than an anorexic dust mite. You need a boating license to corner. The Town Car is so antediluvian, so far removed from Ford's (or anyone else's) automotive gestalt that the model's product specialist has been moved to Purchasing (without replacement) and they're replacing it with a car built on a "modern" platform.

Bad move. The Lincoln Town Car is a magnificent machine, perhaps the last, best example of a "true" American car.

For one thing, the Town Car's ride is quintessentially American, and without peer. Up front, the luxoliner's suspension uses independent short- and long-arms (SLA) architecture with coil springs, monotube shocks and a stabilizer bar. In the rear, there's a four-bar link solid axle, Watts link, coil springs, monotube shocks, load-leveling air springs and... a stabilizer bar. Sophisticated? Not really. Road feel? None. Surface imperfections? Obliterated. Eradicated. Dismissed. Enthusiasts will blanch, and rightly so, but mainstream America's predilection for "armchair on wheels" dynamics is alive and well and living in the Land of Lincoln. You wanna tell them that clipping an apex is more important than wafting on Cloud Nine, be my guest. Next question?

While Audi's got the Bauhaus to Our House upmarket hotel room design thing covered, the Town Car is still the King of lebensraum. In its stretch versions, the Town Car's rear compartment trumps the Audi A8L's shoulder room by 2.4" and out-leg stretches it by 3.1". No surprise there; the big Lincoln's a shade under 18.5' from snout to tail. The trunk is large enough to contain the entire Soprano clan (please!) AND their luggage. Equally important, the Town Car's epic dimensions give die Grosse American good old-fashioned porno-style crashworthiness ("bigger is better"). The Town Car was the first passenger car to receive five-star government safety ratings in all five categories.

NOW how much would you pay? Before you pick-up an 80k miler for pocket change, how about this: the Town Car is fantastic in the snow. A Boston limo driver once regaled me with tales of blasting through knee-high snow drifts, straight past stranded SUV's. He also offered mission critical testimony as to the Town Car's reliability; his limo had over 220k miles on the clock after nothing more than proper maintenance. He knew of a 310k miler. But here's the most important bit: he loved his Town Car. He knew it wasn't flash, or fast, or sporty, or gadget laden; but he admired its simplicity and, as he put it, "honesty."

In this my driver was not alone. If you've got a minute, head on over to Car Review . The owners' reviews are so glowing you could use them to light a small office building. For a month. The Town Car may not be your kind of whip— it's sure not mine— but you've got to admire any machine that engenders that kind of pleasure, loyalty and respect. The fact that Ford is axing Lincoln's rear-wheel drive stalwart, turning its back on its deeply-smitten customers, tells you all you need to know about The Blue Oval's misguided ideas about who it is, and what it should be selling. Bravo Lincoln. Shame on you, Ford.

[by Robert Farago]

Related:
More Required Riding [internal]

Lincoln's venerable Town Car — hauler of golf bags, carrier of the airport-bound and endurer of the orthopedic shoes that trod its pedals — will survive the company's move to build a new flagship. But its survival won't come without a dignity blow; it'll be relegated to fleet sales, the pasture of the auto industry. Lincoln's new mast topper, known now as E386, is slated for 2009, giving the current Town Car time to get its affairs in order. At least it's fairing better than the LS, which will go to the gallows in 2008.

Lincoln Town Car May Live On Despite Plans for New Flagship [Edmunds]

Related:
New V6, V8 to Take Center Stage at FoMoCo [internal]