Jalopnik 
Enter your username and password.
Detroit, 1:19 PM
Sun Nov 29
11 posts in the last 24 hours
Tip your editors:
tips@jalopnik.com
Editor-in-Chief:
Ray Wert | Email | AIM
Road Test Editor:
Wes Siler | Email
Weekend Editor:
Murilee Martin | Email
Associate Editor - Houston:
Matt Hardigree
Associate Editor - Detroit:
Ben Wojdyla
Editor-at-Large:
Mike Spinelli
Contributors:
Mark Arnold
John Krewson | Email
Andy Didorosi
Original material is licensed under a Creative Commons License permitting non-commercial sharing with attribution.
11/28/09
Back to you in the studio, Stud Beefpile.
11/28/09
Maybe this is just the setup for Elin's new book about working on your backswing?
11/28/09
11/28/09
11/27/09
11/27/09
at 2:25 am....
pissed off at the wife.....drunk(I know they said it wasn't a factor) .....high....or texting.
Take your picks, boys.
11/27/09
11/27/09
11/28/09
11/28/09
400 yds with the 1 Wood, wife put the smack down on him
[backporch.fanhouse.com]
11/27/09
What luck that she had a golf club!
11/27/09
11/27/09
You're doing it wrong, Tiger. Your caddy is supposed to drive the Caddy.
11/28/09
11/27/09
11/27/09
Here's the lesson, boys and girls:
Even if you are a retired hit man for the Mob, driving a Caddy in Florida may be dangerous for your health. More so if you insist on texting your order for a late night six pack of sliders to the local Gut Bomb while behind the wheel. Sure, they make great ballast after some drinks with friends, but you will need all your concentration just to wrestle with the steering wheel of that blinged out Escalade and keep it between the curbs. You may feel invulnerable sitting way up high in that metal cocoon. But every hydrant on your way home has been waiting for just this chance. And there is nothing that they would rather do, than rip great gaping tears in that Caddy's soft, smooth sheet metal, and throw you and your smugness right through the glass of your front windshield.
11/28/09
11/28/09
11/28/09
07:48 AM
09:26 AM
11/27/09
11/27/09
11/27/09
11/27/09
11/27/09
11/27/09
08/14/09
08/13/09
PHOTOG: "OK, Andre... I want to capture the essence of this car, using the expression on your face in this next shot, so think blissful thoughts"
AGASSI: "Blissful?
PHOTOG: "Yeah, you know, something that makes you happy"
AGASSI: "Ummm... well, I have this tennis camp for underprivileged kids that I started here in Las Vegas, and..."
PHOTOG: "Wrong kind of happy."
AGASSI: "Well, I just won another Grand Slam title."
PHOTOG: "Nah, still not the kind of happy I'm looking for."
AGASSI: "Ummm..."
PHOTOG: "Hey, did you boink Steffi last night?"
AGASSI: "Wha...?"
PHOTOG: ***Snappity-snap*** "Got it!"
SHAQ: "Do these shorts make my ass look big? Well, it IS big! I'm a big Muthaf*cka, yo! Everything about me is big.... my ass is big, my car is big, my trophy collection is big, my bank account is big, this sideways peace sign I'm makin' - REALLY big - but in a subtle way, get it? The 'S' on my necklace... ALSO really big - cost more than most of you bitches make in a year. Yeah, I come across as an unpretentious guy, but really, I'm not - otherwise, I wouldn't be blingin' this super-sized 'S' like I'm frickin' Superman or somethin'... wait - maybe I AM Superman!"
WELLS: "It's in mah muthaf*ckin' contract to hold this muthaf*ckin' key up & make like I'm happy about this muthaf*ckin' car... WTF, is this this piece of sh*t anyway? A Kia? Damn Kia's, made in the Phillipines or Vietnam or some sh*t like 'dat. Dayum.... am I gonna really have to DRIVE this thing? I gotsta talk to my agent about 'dis smack. Next year, it's Lambos or nuthin'."
NOWITZKI: "This is car, yes?"
PHOTOG: "Yes, this is car."
NOWITZKI: "I can not fit"
PHOTOG: "Ummm, well, yeah - no one can fit"
NOWITZKI: "I can't fit because I am tall"
PHOTOG: "No, you can't fit because it's not a full-size car - it's just a model... a miniature - it's not meant for you to fit in it."
NOWITZKI: "But I am tall... 6'10 1/2"; or 7'0" for 'publicity purposes', according to NBA."
PHOTOG: "Look... Matt freakin' Roloff coudn't fit into this car..."
NOWITZKI: "Who is this Roloff person??? I play him in one-on-one, bring him on!"
PHOTOG: "No, he's not a basketball player he's - never mind... why don't you just lean on the thing, OK?"
VW-GUY: "Marcelinho, Ich bin ein großer Bewunderer - der froh ist, Sie zu haben hier!"
MARCELINHO: "Que'?"
VW-GUY: "Recht I sah Sie zu zählen, dass Ziel gegen Spanien in den Endspielen… es groß war!
MARCELINHO: "Que'?
VW-GUY: "Ummm... OK, how about English - sprechen Sie Englisch? Você fala o inglês?
MERCELINHO: "Noooo... no inglês."
VW-GUY: "OK, this is going to be tough, then... can you give the car some love?"
MARCELINHO: "Ummm.... Que'"?
VW-GUY: "Ummm... you know - amor, amore', eu te amo??? Ame o carro???"
MARCELINHO: "AHHHHH! sim, si' yes... como é isto?"
PHOTOG: ***SNAP*** "Got it."
WEBB: "OK, so you'll pay me HOW MUCH if I stand next to it?
KIAGUY: "About five grand"
WEBB: "That ain't sh*t, yo!"
KIAGUY: "OK, but we'll pay you more if you drive it around town."
WEBB: "Muthaf*cka, I ain't drivin' this piece of sh*t around town! You think any fiiiine-ass bitches gonna get wif' me if I'm drivin' this smack, when I could be pickin' them up in my Mercedes? DAYUM!"
KIAGUY: "OK, how about if you just touch it, then?"
WEBB: "Touch it, like how?"
KIAGUY: "Oh, maybe just lightly caress the hood or something."
WEBB: "And how much you gonna pay for a touch?"
KIAGUY: "I dunno, Spud, what would you normally charge me for a touch?"
WEBB: " BITCH! Dontchu even go there!!!"
KIAGUY: "OK, ok... ten grand for a shot of your hand on the hood."
WEBB: "Done deal."
OK, that's half of 'em... someone else pick it up from there. lol
08/14/09
Now chin up, get to work and finish the rest.K? Plus I will even throw in a free ad for this thread via my profile handle.
08/15/09
Alright, if you insist...
KOBE: "I'd like to thank President Obama for riding in this vehicle with me - it's a real honor, and.."
KOBE'S PR GUY: "Psst, Kobe - that's not the President, that's Mickey Mouse"
KOBE: "Oh, sorry... it was the ears, man."
ROONEY: "Wow, this is fookin' great - you guys are giving me the entire factory that makes these cars?"
TOYOTAGUY: "What? Why would you say that?"
ROONEY: "Well, this key, mate - it's fookin' HUGE!!! It's way to big for the car, so I figure it's got to be the key to the factory."
TOYOTAGUY: "Ummm... well, keys to buildings can be the same size as keys to automobiles, you know."
ROONEY: "Can they?"
TOYOTAGUY: "Well, yeah - I mean, you have key to your house, right?"
ROONEY: "I dunno, me wife usually lets me in."
TOYOTAGUY: "Oh... well I'll bet she didn't let you in that night you got caught with that 84-year-old hooker! HAHAHAHAH!"
ROONEY: "She wasn't 84, and that was before I met me wife."
TOYOTAGUY: "OK, so she wasn't 84, but she was a GRANDMOTHER! So, you might think you're a bad motherf*cker, but you're actually a bad GRANDMOTHERF*CKER! HA! HAHAHAH!"
ROONEY: "Hey, you know I just figured somewhere else this key will fit"
TOYOTAGUY: "Oh? Where's tha....YAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!"
MAGIC: "Hey froggie, whazzup?"
KERMIT: "Oh, you know, just hangin' around, bein' green."
MAGIC: "I hear ya man, I hear ya... hey good thing this thing has a sunroof, huh? Otherwise, you'd just be sittin' on top o' there, kinda all layed over limp & sh*t... I mean without somebody's hand up yo' ass, you pretty much nuthin' huh?
KERMIT: "Well, I am, after all, just a puppet. And as for me being nothing without someone's hand up my ass, I'm pretty much self-actualized - have you never read Maslow?"
MAGIC: "Well, I'm just sayin' you should watch what you put up there, man... you could catch something - take it from me!"
HENDERSON: "OK, so we're here at this goddamn car show with this f*cking concept car, and no budget to promote it with... what we need is a celebrity endorsement - how do we get a celebrity to endorse this thing, when we have no money to pay them with? Lutz... you got any celebrity friends that'll do you a favor?
LUTZ: "No, I have no friends whatsoever... who needs friends when all one needs to enjoy life is great hair & a good cigar?"
HENDERSON: "Sh*t - that figures... I have no celebrity friends either - been in f*cking Detroit all my goddamn life... man, this city blows. Only famous people ever to come out of Detroit are either dead or are Ted Nugent."
LUTZ: "That's not true.... Gordie Howe, Denny McLain."
HENDERSON: "Nobody south of Chicago cares about hockey, and Denny McLain's a criminal now - not really famous anymore."
LUTZ: "Oh yeah... OK, Eminem!"
HENDERSON: "Who?"
LUTZ: "The white rapper guy!"
HENDERSON: "Ice, Ice, Baby?"
LUTZ: "No, the other one... HEY LOOK! There's Evander Holyfield!"
HENDERSON: "Who?"
LUTZ: "The boxer, you twit!"
HENDERSON: "Oh, yeah... didn't he beat Max Schmeling?"
LUTZ: "Geezuschrist, what f*cking century are you living in? Lemme handle this... Hey, Evander! Bob Lutz from General Motors... hey how are ya?
HOLYFIELD: "Ummm, pretty good Bob, thanks."
LUTZ: That's great... just great! Hey, I just thought you might want to know - Mike Tyson is in the back seat of this new Buick, and he was telling me just now that he thinks - well, he thinks you're quite the big pussy!
HOLYFIELD: "Oh yeah? No shit?"
LUTZ: "No shit, yo."
HOLYFIELD: "Shit, I can't see no Mike Tyson back there."
LUTZ: "Well, that's 'cause the windows are all tinted n' shit."
HOLYFIELD: "Muthafucka - I'mma go in there & kick his muthaf*ckin' ass."
LUTZ: "You go for it, mah' man... we'll take pictures of it all. HEY SHOOTER! Get yer ass over here with that camera NOW!"
****Snippity-snap/snap-snippity-snap***
HOLYFIELD: "Hey man, you were just messin' wif' me... they ain't nobody in the back seat of that car!" ***Snippity-snap/Snippity-snap***
LUTZ: "Oh, well, I guess he must've gone over to the Chrysler booth. Hey, we'll send you some pics of you & the car, though!"
HENDERSON: "Bob, you are a f*cking genius."
WAGONER: "Tiger, before we do this photo shoot, I just wanted to take the opportunity to thank you for allowing us to pay you approximately seven times more in endorsement fees than the sum total of Buick sales volume will generate during the term of this contract.
TIGER: "Not a problem, Rick - Nike did pretty much the same thing.... I mean how many f*cking shoes, golf balls, and sets of golf clubs do you need to move to cover 40 Million a year, right? HA-HA-HA!"
WAGONER: "Right - who needs affirmative action when you're a rockstar, huh? Heh-heh.
TIGER: "What are you trying to say, Rick?"
WAGONER: "Oh, nothing - I was just..."
TIGER: "I really didn't appreciate that comment, Rick."
WAGONER: "It was nothing - really, I..."
TIGER: "You know we could have a Black President very soon, Rick."
WAGONER: "Well, yes, that is a distinct possibility..."
TIGER: "Am I gonna get my contract renewed, Rick?
WAGONER: "Well, we don't know yet, Tiger - it's very complicated... the company is not doing well, and we may have to cut some of the larger extraneous expenses, including some endorsement deals."
TIGER: "Well, then I may have to make a phone call sometime early in the year."
WAGONER: "Like on the 28th of March?"
TIGER: "That's the exact date I had in mind - how'd you know?"
SHAQ: "See these shoes? I've worn them once - well, actually, 'nonce' unless you count today... yeah, you can tell from the bottoms - never been 'streeted'. I know, it's so muthaf*ckin cool, isn't it? I get a new pair of shoes every day! Inn't that amazing? Maybe one day YOU can have a shoe endorsement too! Ok, nah, not really - you ain't no basketball star, you ain't gonna get SH*T! WTF is this car ah'm sittin' in, anyway? Is 'dis a Bentley? I dunno - someones jus' tol' me to sit in here & hol' this basuhball, and I'd get ten grand, so I figured WTF, why not? Who can't use another ten grand - BANKIN' IT, BEEYATCH!!! Oh, and Kobe is a pussy... PEACE-OUT!"