Jalopnik: t-98

Pam Anderson Forces Russian SUV-maker To Circumcise Whale Penis Leather Interior

Ben Wojdyla — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 20:00:00 EST

It's Pamela Anderson's fault Russian custom car shop Prombron's backing away from including a whale penis leather interior on its ultimate offering, the $1.5 million Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition. Help us Stephen Colbert, you're our only hope!

The very Aristotle Onassis-esque interior was planned as the cherry atop the the $1.5 million Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition, which was ridiculous opulence personified. Amenities which weren't covered in whale penis leather included

Ruby Red matte paint
Gold-plated bulletproof windows
22" Kremlin Red Star bulletproof wheels
Tungsten exhaust
Tungsten and white gold gauges with diamonds and rubies
White gold diamond and ruby encrusted badges - grill, side and dashboard
Special edition Vertu mobile phone with "alert" button
Additional outside kevlar coating
Rogue Acoustic Audio System.

Needless to say it was pretty over the top, however because of pressure put on by animal advocacy groups like PETA and apparently a personal email from PETAphile Pamela Anderson, the Dartz boys are stepping back from their whale-penis-leather-loving ways. Instead they'll be putting in "most advanced nanotechnologies to achieve interior highest quality" and saying hello to their "Sea Brothers," we're not kidding. Read the crazy-ass press release.

ARMORED CAR WITHOUT PENIS. LET'S SAVE THE WHALES.
One month ago DARTZ presented uberluxury armored car with whale penis interior - PROMBRON' (ex.RussoBaltique), lot of people name this car as DARTZ.KOMBAT. As the world's resonance was very huge and DARTZ got lot of angry e-mails from Greenpeace, WWF and also Pamela Anderson, DARTZ make strong decision to stop their plans regarding such interior.

"We have no any ideas to kill the whale or something like that. All we want - to make just luxury car. Real luxury car which will be world number one car. Our brand was started at 1869 when in Riga was opened Coach Factory or Russo Baltiysky Vagonnij Zavod - PBVZ, and first products was luxury train coaches. At 1907 was made a decision to open Car Department, and at 1909 first car left factory - the name of this car was RussoBalt. This was luxury and sport cars. At 1911 specially for Monaco Rally car got french style name - RussoBaltique. At 1912 factory made world first 4 x 4 wheel drive car, and at 1914 - armored car. All we want to unite luxury and armoring traditions of RussoBalt factory in one car, which brand celebrated 100 years now. At 1922 RussoBalt was renamed to PROMBRON' (ex.RussoBalt).

We just looking for most expensive products for this car - and that's why we choosed whale penis leathure when we checked it is most of most. After wave of protest we realised our mistake and make a decision not to use natural leathure at all. We will focus on world most advanced nanotechnologies to achieve interior highest quality using artificial materials which also was never used for cars. We want to tell our hello to all whales: "Our Sea Brothers! We all know that earth are stand on three whales - we will keep You live! We don't Earth fall down to Ocean!"

Also we make a decision to pay more attention to glass and on our new car model we will use glass which will be made by special technology - from artificial grown chrystals, which will be gold sputerred to cut IR and UV rays, which make driving inconvinient when sun shine.

Best regards,
Leonard F. Yankelovich
DARTZ.EU

[Jameslist]

$1.5M Russian SUV Features Diamonds, Whale Penis Leather

Ben Wojdyla — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 14:00:00 EDT

Whale penis leather interior. That's all you really need to know about the $1.5 million Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition. Yes, the diamond-encrusted white gold gauges and gold-plated bulletproof windows are impressive, but seriously, whale penis leather interior.

The already bulletproof and wildly over-the-top 8.1 liter GM V8-powered Dartz Kombat T98 is getting a name change to Prombron and along with it will come a complete and brain-maimingly bourgeoisie upgrade with the Monaco Red Diamond Edition. The world's most expensive ultra-luxury SUV will debut at the 2010 Top Marques Monaco show with luxe features crazy enough to make a Maybach blush. For your $1.5 million you get the following features:

1. Ruby Red matte paint
2. Gold-plated bulletproof windows
3. 22" Kremlin Red Star bulletproof wheels
4. Whale Penis Leather interior
5. Tungsten exhaust
6. Tungsten and white gold gauges with diamonds and rubies
7. White gold diamond and ruby encrusted badges - grill, side and dashboard
8. Special edition Vertu mobile phone with "alert" button
9. Additional outside kevlar coating
10. Rogue Acoustic Audio System.

And, of course, of course -
THREE BOTTLES OF World Most Expensive Vodka - RussoBaltique Vodka, drink edition, same as in the RussoBaltique car when it visited Monaco at 1912.

We have a lot of questions about this car, most of them whale penis leather-related, but in the bigger picture, this brazen finger-in-the-eye raises a good point, so to speak. What makes a luxury vehicle? Things we used to think of as luxury - bovine leather, wood trim, high-end audio, etc., have become mainstream. Does it take exceptionally ridiculous material selection and bold ostentatious flair to define new luxury? Is it encapsulating yourself in a vehicle capable of taking a direct hit from a rocket propelled grenade? Does it mean emulating the wild excess of past luxury much like the Red Diamond is doing? Who knows. But we're betting the tzars would roll in one of these babies.
[Dartz via Jameslist]

Volvo XC90 Wins Russian "SUV of The Year," We Offer Alternatives

Ben Wojdyla — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 11:20:00 EDT

Nobody will argue that the Volvo XC90 is a pretty decent SUV. It's stylish, comfortable, and even comes with a V8 now. But all that doesn't explain why it won "Russian SUV of The Year"...for the third time. Considering the soft nature of the big Volvo, we would have thought the hardened fist of Russian nationalism would have pushed for a more domestic entry. But if they won't, we will: Thus, Jalopnik's "No Bolshevik" nominations for Russian SUV of the Year.

Kombat T-98
What would you ever want with a stinky old Volvo XC90 when something like the Kombat T-98 exists? It's an armored luxury SUV available with either an 8.1-liter GM V8 or the Duramax 6.6-liter turbodiesel. The hardware is somewhat awesome, but the interior wins our hearts, featuring steel booze glasses in a chilled glovebox — perfect for keeping your vodka close at hand. [AllCarNews]

Vityaz Transporter
Russia is big, covering a sixth of the Earth and encompassing virtually every type of ecosystem. What better way to get absolutely anywhere under any circumstances than in the totally wicked Vityaz Transporter? Land, sea, arctic permafrost and bog, the Vityaz will get you there and back — the ultimate SUV. [Vityaz]

Porsche Touregenne

When great taste meets fabrication prowess and oil-baron money, the result is a thing like this VW/Porsche Touareg/Cayenne, whatever it is. We all marveled at its breathtaking coachwork and inspired styling updates. For the truly exclusive sets of Russian playboys, this baby is hot to trot. [Porsche Toureg]

GAZ Tiger-2
The GAZ Tiger-2 seems like the Russian version of a Chinese knock-off of the Humvee, but it's complete with space-age plastic hubcaps, multiple shift knobs and luxurious pleather seating surfaces. The Tiger built for the public is a definite choice for all but the most discerning customers. [Tiger 2]

GAZ 59037A
For so many Russians, the Vityaz is just too big to fit in the garage, so a compact, go-anywhere vehicle is definitely in order. The GAZ 59037 will go virtually anywhere the big Vit will, but also offers the convenience of tires and fits nicely into a standard heavy-lift military cargo plane. With convenience like that, its hard to believe the Volvo actually took home the prize. [GAZ 59037A]

Oh, and, if you are interested in the Volvo press release on the actual winner, check it out in all its glory below.

The Volvo XC90 - SUV of the Year in Russia for the third time
Volvo Cars received several prestigious awards in Russia in 2007 and to date in 2008. The most recent is for the Volvo XC90, which was crowned best crossover - "2008 SUV of the Year".

"There was immensely tough competition and we are very proud over this prestigious award," says Volvo Car Russia's PR director, Alexei Kozhukhov, who received the award at a ceremony in Moscow.

Russian car owners voted the Volvo XC90 the best choice on the market.

Motoring organisation Club 4x4 runs the competition, in which eight categories are featured.
Of 101 models in the competition, 16 went on to the finals. Car owners voted via a website or sent in SMS text messages with their votes and Volvo XC90 emerged the winner in the category "Full-size SUV".
That the Volvo XC90 came out on top is by now something of a tradition. The Volvo XC90 received awards in this contest in 2005 and 2006 too.

"Russia has been the European market N1 in the Volvo SUV sales in 2007, so the contest "SUV of the Year" is an important event in this country", says Volvo Car Russia's President, David Thomas. "Russians traditionally like big cars - this is the reason why Russia takes the second place right after the USA in the global sales chart of Volvo XC90. So, we are looking forward to the launch of our new crossover, the Volvo XC60", concludes David Thomas.