Jalopnik: satire

Chrysler Media Responds To Our Periodical Observations

Matt Hardigree — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 10:20:00 EST

Yesterday, we made an observation about a picture of the new Challenger in certain magazine racks at the Memphis airport. Our take on the picture, which came from Chrysler's The Firehouse blog, was somewhat satirical. To their credit, Chrysler responded with their own commentary on the subject. That response below.

This comes from Ed Garsten, Manager of Electronic Media Communications for Chrysler, who has nothing to do with the fictional Ed Gersten in the piece:

A full row of magazines with the Challenger winking from their covers isn't just dumb luck. It's part of a periodic tweaking of marketing strategies.
Indeed market research shows that the theory of "alliterative display," as I call it, could very well spread to other aspects of airport newsstands such as grouping all newspapers together with names that begin with "the." It's breathtaking to imagine the boost in sales by displaying THE New York Times, THE Detroit News, and THE Sporting News consecutively in the same rack. Anecdotal evidence tells us that this would not only reduce confusion for those who find it hard to differentiate between newspapers, but would further popularize the article "the."

Alliterative display is somewhat subtle, but downright strategic and we salute Jalopnik for having the marketing chops to call it out.

If only Al Gore would have promoted the Internet thusly, it might have caught on.

Hilarity.

Chrysler Builds Buzz For Challenger In Memphis Airport

Matt Hardigree — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 17:02:00 EST

After spending a billion (or three) dollars on market research, the elite Chrysler media team achieved a coup de grâce in the Muscle Car Wars by getting the new Challenger SRT8 positioned on the front partition of the southernmost magazine rack at Memphis International Airport's "LiterAIRy" bookstore/Elvis memorabilia depository. It was the greatest achievement for the automaker since securing the covers of every automotive magazine and Salt Water Fishing Weekly for the Plymouth Breeze. Said Chrysler media executive Ed Gersten, "So goes the Memphis airport, so goes America."

Surveys show that people's beliefs are directly linked to the composition of magazines in airports, which explains the popularity of Mitt Romney and girls dressing like whores. Carthage, Tennessee homemaker Betty-Sue Hambone was brimming with excitement as she looked at the rack saying "Orange, orange, look at all that orange. I must have one. What is it? Oh look, Katherine Heigl in a blue dress." Based on this phenomenon, Chrysler plans to take orders for 500,000 Challengers in the next month. [Source: TheFirehouse.biz]

The Onion Scoops GM-UAW Announcement

Travis Hudson — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 10:00:00 EST

Yes, The Onion was the first to get the exclusive details on the biggest announcement so far in 2008. This announcement is chock full of good and bad, depending on who you are. Without further ado I present to you, by way of The Onion, GM's 2008 Layoffs!

Urging consumers to forget everything they thought they knew about job security, [Rick] Wagoner described the cutbacks as "a major breakthrough in downsizing," and claimed GM had set a new benchmark in letting people go.

Other features included in the 2008 GM Layoffs include automatic suspension of health-care benefits, no-money-down payment option on severance and forced-retirement packages and a new and improved three-day termination notice, compared to the two-week termination notice in previous years.

Our main man himself, Bob Lutz, has to be heard, as well.

"Our new line of layoffs will forever change the way hardworking men and women get by ... No other car company today—be it Toyota, Ford, or even Saturn—can compete with GM when it comes to canning their workforce."

Oh, The Onion, when will it ever end? You so silly! Well, silly indeed — except this morning it became true. [The Onion]

El Presidente Congratulates Milka Duno

Mike Bumbeck — Thu, 24 May 2007 17:00:00 EDT

El Presidente Chavez says he is happy Venezuelan driver Milka Duno and Citgo will run the Indy 500, even though no gasoline will be involved. The surprise is that Al Gore or any other American politician didn't beat El Presidente to this ~~aggrandizement~~ political punch, considering Indy cars have been running on alternative fuel of the alcohol kind since the '60s. This year the traditional methanol has been replaced by a home-brewed ethanol special corn blend. Milk will still be served to the winner on Sunday, who El Presidente says will be Milka. – Mike Bumbeck

Chavez Congrats Milka [trackforums.com]

Related:
Holy Shit! You Can Run Racing Cars on Alcohol! [Internal]

Lisa Nowak Set to Challenge Rawlings and Collins

Mike Bumbeck — Mon, 14 May 2007 18:30:00 EDT

Hoping to best her diapered 12-hour 936 mile blast from Houston to Orlando, former astronaut Lisa Nowak is set to break the transcontinental driving record set mere minutes ago by Richard Rawlings and co-pilot Dennis Collins. Quick math indicates that with prodigious use of diapers and by increasing velocity, Nowak should be able to handily set a new record in her specially prepared Kia Rio. – Mike Bumbeck

Related:
Jalopnik Late Night: Astronauts Gone Wild!!! [Internal]

Schumacher Back on Track

Mike Bumbeck — Tue, 08 May 2007 12:45:00 EDT

You can take Schumacher out of a racecar, but you can't take Schumacher out of the race. After a very brief retirement from the rigors of the F1 circuit, Schumacher will return as consigliere to the Ferrari F1 team. The seven-time F1 world champ will be available to assist Massa and Raikkonen take the prancing horse to victory. In the unlikely event of driver error, Mr. Schumacher will don a special helmet slapping glove and hold up a sign that says "dumbkoff". – Mike Bumbeck

Schumacher Returns to Formula 1 World [javno.com]