Jalopnik: russian cars

Pam Anderson Forces Russian SUV-maker To Circumcise Whale Penis Leather Interior

Ben Wojdyla — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 20:00:00 EST

It's Pamela Anderson's fault Russian custom car shop Prombron's backing away from including a whale penis leather interior on its ultimate offering, the $1.5 million Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition. Help us Stephen Colbert, you're our only hope!

The very Aristotle Onassis-esque interior was planned as the cherry atop the the $1.5 million Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition, which was ridiculous opulence personified. Amenities which weren't covered in whale penis leather included

Ruby Red matte paint
Gold-plated bulletproof windows
22" Kremlin Red Star bulletproof wheels
Tungsten exhaust
Tungsten and white gold gauges with diamonds and rubies
White gold diamond and ruby encrusted badges - grill, side and dashboard
Special edition Vertu mobile phone with "alert" button
Additional outside kevlar coating
Rogue Acoustic Audio System.

Needless to say it was pretty over the top, however because of pressure put on by animal advocacy groups like PETA and apparently a personal email from PETAphile Pamela Anderson, the Dartz boys are stepping back from their whale-penis-leather-loving ways. Instead they'll be putting in "most advanced nanotechnologies to achieve interior highest quality" and saying hello to their "Sea Brothers," we're not kidding. Read the crazy-ass press release.

ARMORED CAR WITHOUT PENIS. LET'S SAVE THE WHALES.
One month ago DARTZ presented uberluxury armored car with whale penis interior - PROMBRON' (ex.RussoBaltique), lot of people name this car as DARTZ.KOMBAT. As the world's resonance was very huge and DARTZ got lot of angry e-mails from Greenpeace, WWF and also Pamela Anderson, DARTZ make strong decision to stop their plans regarding such interior.

"We have no any ideas to kill the whale or something like that. All we want - to make just luxury car. Real luxury car which will be world number one car. Our brand was started at 1869 when in Riga was opened Coach Factory or Russo Baltiysky Vagonnij Zavod - PBVZ, and first products was luxury train coaches. At 1907 was made a decision to open Car Department, and at 1909 first car left factory - the name of this car was RussoBalt. This was luxury and sport cars. At 1911 specially for Monaco Rally car got french style name - RussoBaltique. At 1912 factory made world first 4 x 4 wheel drive car, and at 1914 - armored car. All we want to unite luxury and armoring traditions of RussoBalt factory in one car, which brand celebrated 100 years now. At 1922 RussoBalt was renamed to PROMBRON' (ex.RussoBalt).

We just looking for most expensive products for this car - and that's why we choosed whale penis leathure when we checked it is most of most. After wave of protest we realised our mistake and make a decision not to use natural leathure at all. We will focus on world most advanced nanotechnologies to achieve interior highest quality using artificial materials which also was never used for cars. We want to tell our hello to all whales: "Our Sea Brothers! We all know that earth are stand on three whales - we will keep You live! We don't Earth fall down to Ocean!"

Also we make a decision to pay more attention to glass and on our new car model we will use glass which will be made by special technology - from artificial grown chrystals, which will be gold sputerred to cut IR and UV rays, which make driving inconvinient when sun shine.

Best regards,
Leonard F. Yankelovich
DARTZ.EU

[Jameslist]

Black Lightning Is The Greatest Car Movie Ever Made

Matt Hardigree — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 12:30:00 EDT

Black Lightning is a movie about a crime-fighting armed flying Volga sedan squaring off against a flying Mercedes in Moscow. If not the greatest, it's at least the most Jalopnik car movie ever.

$1.5M Russian SUV Features Diamonds, Whale Penis Leather

Ben Wojdyla — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 14:00:00 EDT

Whale penis leather interior. That's all you really need to know about the $1.5 million Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition. Yes, the diamond-encrusted white gold gauges and gold-plated bulletproof windows are impressive, but seriously, whale penis leather interior.

The already bulletproof and wildly over-the-top 8.1 liter GM V8-powered Dartz Kombat T98 is getting a name change to Prombron and along with it will come a complete and brain-maimingly bourgeoisie upgrade with the Monaco Red Diamond Edition. The world's most expensive ultra-luxury SUV will debut at the 2010 Top Marques Monaco show with luxe features crazy enough to make a Maybach blush. For your $1.5 million you get the following features:

1. Ruby Red matte paint
2. Gold-plated bulletproof windows
3. 22" Kremlin Red Star bulletproof wheels
4. Whale Penis Leather interior
5. Tungsten exhaust
6. Tungsten and white gold gauges with diamonds and rubies
7. White gold diamond and ruby encrusted badges - grill, side and dashboard
8. Special edition Vertu mobile phone with "alert" button
9. Additional outside kevlar coating
10. Rogue Acoustic Audio System.

And, of course, of course -
THREE BOTTLES OF World Most Expensive Vodka - RussoBaltique Vodka, drink edition, same as in the RussoBaltique car when it visited Monaco at 1912.

We have a lot of questions about this car, most of them whale penis leather-related, but in the bigger picture, this brazen finger-in-the-eye raises a good point, so to speak. What makes a luxury vehicle? Things we used to think of as luxury - bovine leather, wood trim, high-end audio, etc., have become mainstream. Does it take exceptionally ridiculous material selection and bold ostentatious flair to define new luxury? Is it encapsulating yourself in a vehicle capable of taking a direct hit from a rocket propelled grenade? Does it mean emulating the wild excess of past luxury much like the Red Diamond is doing? Who knows. But we're betting the tzars would roll in one of these babies.
[Dartz via Jameslist]

Mercedes Benz Continues Gaudy Russian Customization Trend

Ben Wojdyla — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 15:00:00 EDT

The Mercedes Benz E-Class W124 is the placeholder in our minds eye for what Mercedes Benz's should be. Boxy, classy, high-quality, and above all, restrained. This customized Russian W124 is anything but.

Oh it started off simple enough, the owner dropped it down and put some fancy, AMG-inspired wheels on it, but then things got out of hand. Instead of just getting a new Benzie, this one got new parts grafted on, some C-class headlights and new tail lights and a horrific, ASMA-like grille. Then there's the hood vents and fender gills. Oh, and the triple-tipped exhaust pipes. We're going to go wash our minds out now. [EnglishRussia]

And this is what it started life as.

GAZ Announces End Of The Road For Volga

Ben Wojdyla — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 12:30:00 EDT

After nearly 53 years of production, Russian auto manufacturer GAZ has announced the end of production for the famed Volga saloon. The rolling symbol of the former Soviet Union will be put to rest in two months as a result of falling demand, high commodity prices, and cheap foreign cars flooding the market. GAZ plans to refocus their activities on their more profitable and competitive heavy truck product lines. Despite their declining quality and atrocious handling, we firmly believe that tattooed across every Russian gearhead's heart is the image of a Volga GAZ-23. We expect there will be many shots of vodka tossed back today in honor of the doomed brand. [The Guardian]

Ukrainian Limo Rolls In Style

Mark Arnold — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 14:15:00 EDT

Ukrainians seem to have a fantastically wacky taste in automobiles. First, they created an asymmetrical roadster/coupe made of wood. Then, they made a custom sportscar with an exposed rear axle. Now, they've given us something a bit more practical.

As you'd expect, the Ukrainian limo comes with every accessory a customer would demand. It has push-bars for moving wandering animals and drunken pedestrians, plenty of lights to guide you through unlit rural Ukraine roads, and antennas for the 14" color television/dvd-player combo. Those Maybach taxi cabs better watch out!
[English Russia]

Underground Street Racing Taken Too Literally In Russia

Mark Arnold — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 15:00:00 EDT

For most people, underground racing actually happens above ground. But it seems that someone in Russia didn't get the memo. Ok, so you may not technically call this racing, but it sure looks like fun. Besides, do you really expect this guy's friends to follow him down into the subway station just because he misunderstood the figurative definition of the term "underground?" Maybe it was Amelia Bedelia at the wheel. [YouTube]

Lada Oka Transformed Into Mini Monster

Mark Arnold — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:15:00 EDT

The standard Lada Oka is your typical eastern European econobox; humble transportation that makes a Tata Nano feel macho. But apparently there are some Russians who look at the poor little thing and see the perfect starting point for an all-terrain monster. We have no idea what the thought process was that led up to the creation of such an awesome machine. Given the choice between this and a Jeep or a Hummer, we'd take this every time. Check out the gallery below and see what it originally looked like here. [English Russia]

In Russia, VAZ Make Cheap Car For YOU!

Mark Arnold — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 09:45:00 EST

With all that land mass and all those people, Russia is expected to be the largest car market in Europe within a few years. And what do the proud people of Russia want? Cheap, honest transportation; a "people's car." Well that's exactly what Russia automaker AvtoVAZ wants to give them. Since most of these consumers are not going to be shopping for the likes of an Audi R8 or a custom SUV, AvtoVAZ (known to us as the maker of Ladas) wants to bring a car to market with a price tag of about $6000. According to AvtoVAZ head Boris Aleshin,

"We need to produce a new very cheap car model costing around $US six- seven thousand but not more than $US 7.3 thousand, and probably there will be several budget models,"

While this seems downright expensive compared to the ~~named by Apple~~ built in India Tata Nano, it should be cheap enough to attract consumers who would otherwise buy a used car and/or non-Russian marque.

[via Russia Today]