It's not like we were expecting Citizen Kane, but Michael Bay and his crew of (did someone actually write this?) creators actually took a film series about good alien robots disguised as cars fighting evil alien robots on Earth and manages to alienate people, like us, who look forward to a good movie about fighting alien robots. They've lowered the bar so low Devastator couldn't dig (or suck, as it were) it out of the earth. Why is this movie so bad?

Appeals To Die-Hard Fans
Don't feel sorry for us. At least we didn't pay to see the film (well, Wert did. Twice.). Reserve your sympathy for the true Transformers fan. There are little bits of Generation 1 history in the film, especially in the action. The dialogue between Megatron, Starscream, Optimus and the others is full of little treats for the fan-boys. Giving voice duties of Soundwave to Frank Welker was also a great choice. The fan-boys begged for this after the first film and got it. Unfortunately, in order to enjoy the film they'll have to swallow a lot and, for the most part, it completely complicates the film for everyone else.

Poor Optimus Prime. If only he could save the world from Michael Bay.

Mudflap And Skids
These two robot twins we've not-so-affectionately nicknamed Jar and Jar come to make one stellar point about American race relations: both rednecks and ghetto children are equally amusing to normal people. These are the characters kids are supposed to relate to and, what do they do? They call one kid a "pussy" and talk about "busting a cap" in the same person. It's like blackface with a robotic skin complete with a moment where the characters admit "we don't really do much reading." Great role models. At least Optimus Prime from Generation 1 was an actual role model — a leader.

Michael Bay one-upped ol' George Lucas by including two Jar Jar Binks characters.

An Awful Portrayal Of College
The protagonist Sam Witwicky goes to a college that's clearly supposed to be Princeton, but let's just say the Harvard depicted in How High was a million times more accurate. The place is full of hot girls at a ratio you wouldn't find at Florida State University, let alone freaking Princeton. Rainn Wilson's turn as a college professor is amusing, but the opening topics of his Astronomy 101 class have almost nothing to do with Astronomy. Oh, and they blow up a library.

Oh Sam, you get to take an awesome Camaro to school, how rough.

Megan Fox
We know many people appreciate the way she looks and, in the first film, she manages to not completely destroy her lines. In this one they manage to give her fewer words to speak and yet, somehow, she's worse. However, we do need to thank Bay for his frequent slow motion scenes of her breasts bouncing up-and-down in the kind of outfit you wouldn't ever consider wearing for interstellar battle.

Oh no, I've fallen again! Why didn't I wear a bra?

Comebacks
There's some occasionally funny dialogue, including a great line about tight-fitting t-shirts, but to get there you have to trod through some bad-for-a-movie-about-alien-robots lines. "We got a whole bunch of fight coming our way!" or "Bring the rain...again!" Was this movie re-translated from a knock-off Chinese script?

Excuse me while I take a CG dump on your film.

Awful GM Product Placement
The original transformers film was a cargasm to the extreme, full of shiny GM products you could go out and buy. This film was an ode to GM products you can't own: GMC TopKick (discontinued), Corvette Centennial (concept), Chevy Trax (failed concept), Camaro Z28 (cancelled), Chevy Volt (eventually, maybe), Saturn Astra (entire brand sold) and others.

"If you were in this movie, you'd also wish you couldn't talk"

Alice
Here's a bit of a surprise — although we don't want to give away too much — but a giant metallic tongue comes out of this girl's anus.

You think anyone will notice us up here?

Suspension Of Disbelief
A certain character in the film has been plotting revenge on the human race for thousands of years and yet, when it comes down to it, the plans he makes are nonsensical. A trap is sprung with the use of Sam's annoying parents. They're the bait. But it's in the middle of a full-blown battle and is apparently premised on the belief that everyone will just stop fighting. Also, a battleship equipped with a rail gun will suddenly start taking firing orders from a crazy man with a Jordanian military radio.

We'll admit, this scene was fairly awesome.

So to sum it all up — just go see Star Trek again. Or run the first movie's battle scenes over and over again. Oh and yes, we hope this guy doesn't fire us.

[via TFW2005]

The preview we were given yesterday certainly didn't do this new trailers cut any justice, but as you can see now, this newest incarnation of everybody's favorite Hasbro-toy line come-to-life is looking better and better everyday. Hell it's even making us feel smarter. If this doesn't sell you on the idea of padding Michael Bay's pockets then he might as well...well, he might as well just give us another Transformers movie after this one. So long as he gives us more of our favorite character. [via traileraddict, TFW2005]

The full high-res version of the trailer's supposedly going to be available tomorrow at 3:00 PM. Expect us to have that up as soon as we get a copy. For the moment, here's some more details on what to expect and why we might see some alternate versions depending on what early-summer blockbuster you happen to be going to see.

Although we already showed you how Chevy put together the big Bumblebee statue, we wanted to get a chance to satisfy my robogasmic desires (destroying some of our commentariat's hopes to never see another word written about this movie) with a few shots of the new-and-slightly-more-Mad-Max-ish Bumblebee II Camaro from Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen. Sure, we've already given you the new "Sideswipe" Stingray Corvette Concept, but no love's yet been given to one of our most valued commenters. So, voila, below are our shots of this yellow bowtied Camaro-Transformers tie-in love.

Below that, we've also re-run the "How To Build Bumblebee" shots. In case you missed them.

The Transformers forum fan-boys at TFW2005 found a new Activision website for the inspired-by-Transformers-2 video game. The front page of the new game site features a shot of the robot modes for the Chevy Spark and Trax. Frankly, they both look like hicks. Ghetto hicks, but yes, hicks. Seriously, look at the sleepy eye and bored, folded-over arms. I half expect the Chevy Spark (also known as Skids in the movie) to be sitting back in a rocking chair on a porch, hat on head, and a piece of straw in its mouth. Maybe a banjo sitting next to him. What say you?
[Activision via TFW2005]

Roberto Orci, head writer on Transformers:Revenge Of The Fallen, the sequel to the blockbuster of two summers ago, claimed in a web chat on fan-site TFW2005 that the Chevy Volt was not in the original script, but rather was foisted upon them at the last minute.

When asked the question:

Was the Chevy Volt TF kind of shoved into the film by GM and not really in the script?

Orci responds:

Yes. Had to figure it out last minute.

This confirms other reports we'd heard from movie insiders who've told us the Volt was a last minute requested addition by the General. Apparently, the GM team was adamant the Volt be included and wouldn't take no for an answer. Keep in mind this is different than what Michael Bay did in the first movie — personally selecting all the vehicles to appear in the film. (Hat tip to Jack!)

[via TFW2005]

(Hat Tip to Jack!)

O&K/Terex RH400 - Hydraulic Mining Excavator - (In red)

Tipping the scales at a sveltd 1,553,220 lbs, the RH400 is easily the heavyweight of the group, and in fact it's the largest hydraulic shovel in the world. This mining excavator is so big it actually has a rest area next to the operator's cab complete with microwave, coffee machine, a refrigerator and sleeping bunk. Given the size, this baby is probably a torso and an arm, a big monster arm at that, with that chomping shovel end too.

Caterpillar 992G - Wheel Loader - (In yellow)

Introduced in 1990, the 992G was for a time the largest articulated earth mover in the world. Completely outfitted, the 992G weighs in at over 204,000 lbs and can take 16-cubic-yard bites out of the earth. Perhaps useful as a leg, but really, a giant loader is useful anywhere.

Caterpillar 773B - Dump Truck - (In green)

The Cat 773B is a fairly standard heavy-duty off-road dump truck and can tote loads of about 50 tons all while tipping the scales at a scant 85,687 lbs. Positively gaunt compared to that hydraulic shovel. We're betting on a leg, perhaps some kind of transforming weapon, but with Bay, you can never really tell.

Mack Cement Mixer - (In silver and white)

Nothing to see here. It's a Mack cement truck, and considering the size of this thing relative to some of the other equipment, we're assuming Bay is using the Mack as a robot foot.

Komatsu HD465-7 - Articulated Dump Truck - (red)

The Komatsu HD465-7 is a step up in the dump truck department. With a 715 HP diesel engine and a 61-ton capacity, this 94,360 lb hauler is nothing to sneeze at; probably a leg or an arm, judging from the scale of the other vehicles.

Kobelco CK2500 - Truss Crane - (In yellow)

Able to dead-lift 250 tons, the CK2500 is certainly capable of some wanton destruction. We've got one thing in mind for this 458,600 lb crane: giant robotic mace arm. Oh, yeah, talk about Bay-style explosions and destruction; this thing is practically made for it.

Caterpillar D9L - Bulldozer - (In beige)

We can think of nothing better to act as a head for this brute than a Caterpillar D9L. This 107,000 lb earth mover is the choice of the world's militaries for mine clearing and heavy road-building operations. The D9L also possesses that which all truly bad-ass characters require — a strong jaw-line, or in this case, blade-line.

[via TFW2005]

You want to know what amazes us the most? For some reason Transformers 2 fan-boys go to the set to ogle the goings-on and yet they only bring the crappiest cell-phone cameras. Seriously, do none of you guys even have a point-and-shoot? [TFW2005]

We found one more full frontal shot of Bumblebee dressed up in his new alt-mode form of the 2010 Chevy Camaro SS — so why not leave you with one more opportunity to stare at his newish-looking nose. [via Transformers Live]

There's no word whether this vehicle will serve as a Transformer or just an "extra," but right now our best guess tells us it's more likely an "extra." The clue are the bullet holes which tend to indicate human interaction with the vehicle rather than robotic — that would show up, we'd assume, as laser or "plasma" burns. We're thinking the special GM paint can deflect mere bullets.

[Transformers Live]