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Detroit, 1:33 PM
Sat Nov 28
4 posts in the last 24 hours

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    Dsmvwl  Admin  Promote to frontpage Approve user Ban user ×
    Image of Skunky Skunky
    10/20/09

    In reply to This Is Exactly Why People Think Michael Phelps Is A Schmuck
    We need a picture of some automotive fail epic enough to P-shop Michael Phelps in front of it...but don't stop there, posing in front of Mr. Phelps is Civic Kid and in front of HIM is SLR guy! It'd be like the Jalopnik Failcon. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Skunky was starred Skunky was unstarred
    Image of billybobster billybobster
    10/19/09

    In reply to This Is Exactly Why People Think Michael Phelps Is A Schmuck
    I think Michael can only aspire to schumuck.

    The car(s) and clothes say douche, but Phelps' pose in all these pictures say DORK.

    A new sub-species. Douche-ork? Dork-ouche? #michaelphelps
     Reply
    billybobster was starred billybobster was unstarred
    Image of Novaload Novaload
    10/19/09

    In reply to This Is Exactly Why People Think Michael Phelps Is A Schmuck
    I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that this is probably not the best look for Michael. The capri-length pants make him look short-legged, especially with the band of light trim across the hems. And while the shoes blend in perfectly with his pasty flesh, they make him look top heavy because the shoes are so dainty. The big square blob of a sweater does highlight his shoulders, but certainly adds some poundage through the mid-section. But we can be thankful that it's not a baja, at least. And finally we come to the tiny head perched atop the shoulders. I think it's a fashion no-no to cram what looks like a simple beanie onto your modestly sized cranium; sure, we all know there's a bill on the back, but the first impression in some half-assed school uniform run amok.
    No, no, Michael. You are not playing to your strengths here. Unless this is your Halloween costume and you're going as every 420 douchie frat rat ever. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Novaload was starred Novaload was unstarred
    Image of AmishJohn AmishJohn
    10/19/09

    @Novaload: What Not To Wear (or Drive), Jalopnik Edition, is brought to you by NORML, Esquire Magazine, and the Letter D. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    AmishJohn was starred AmishJohn was unstarred
    Image of tempesjo tempesjo
    10/19/09

    @Novaload: Part of the problem is that Michael is proportioned a little differently than the average person. He is 6'4", but has the legs of a 6' person and the torso of someone who is 6'8". Those proportions, combined with his disproportionately large hands and feet, help make him a great swimmer, but can make him look awkward out of the pool. His baggy shirts, capri-length pants, and flip-flops only exaggerate this.

    I would advise Michael to wear jackets and shirts that end a little higher on his torso, a higher rise pant (pinstripes on the pants would also give the illusion of longer legs), and shoes with a 1" or 2" sole. In the summer months, he should wear shorts that hit just above the knee.

    As for his head, he might want to grow his hair out a little and get a perm, to give the appearance of more mass. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    tempesjo was starred tempesjo was unstarred
    Image of ManicSquirrel is preparing for winter ManicSquirrel is preparing for winter
    10/19/09

    @Novaload: If I won 8 gold medals, I would simply wear my medals and swimsuit everywhere I went while driving a subaru brat....because I could and I would want to. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    FTGDWolverineEdition'09 promoted this comment ManicSquirrel is preparing for winter was starred ManicSquirrel is preparing for winter was unstarred
    Image of Mattloxfl Mattloxfl
    10/19/09

    @tempesjo: you know way too much about Phelps' anatomy. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    tempesjo promoted this comment Mattloxfl was starred Mattloxfl was unstarred
    Image of Novaload Novaload
    10/19/09

    @ManicSquirrel is preparing for winter: And that would be a marked improvement over this look. Indeed, it would be a "Mark Spitz" improvement. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Novaload was starred Novaload was unstarred
    Image of Novaload Novaload
    10/19/09

    @tempesjo: Very good analysis. Are you a professional? #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Novaload was starred Novaload was unstarred
    Image of tempesjo tempesjo
    10/19/09

    @Novaload: Thank you. No, I'm just an enthusiast. When I'm not cutting down trees and hunting grizzly bears, I like to spend my free time pretending I'm Michael Phelps' personal assistant. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    tempesjo was starred tempesjo was unstarred
    Image of Novaload Novaload
    10/19/09

    @tempesjo: LOL. Aim high! #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Novaload was starred Novaload was unstarred
    Image of tempesjo tempesjo
    10/19/09

    @Mattloxfl: That's just the tip of my iceberg of knowledge of Phelp's anatomy. You should be thankful I didn't go into any more detail than I did. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    tempesjo was starred tempesjo was unstarred
    Image of Turboner Turboner
    10/19/09

    In reply to This Is Exactly Why People Think Michael Phelps Is A Schmuck
    Whatever. I'm still friends with his bong on Facebook. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Turboner was starred Turboner was unstarred
    Image of bzr bzr
    10/19/09

    In reply to This Is Exactly Why People Think Michael Phelps Is A Schmuck
    I smell a Photoshop contest coming... #michaelphelps
     Reply
    bzr was starred bzr was unstarred
    Image of Touched Touched
    10/19/09

    In reply to This Is Exactly Why People Think Michael Phelps Is A Schmuck
    Is there a #phelpsdouche hash tag yet? I think there should be. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Novaload promoted this comment Touched was starred Touched was unstarred
    Image of Turboner Turboner
    10/19/09

    @Touched: #MichaelPhelch? #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Turboner was starred Turboner was unstarred
    Image of MaWeiTao MaWeiTao
    10/19/09

    In reply to This Is Exactly Why People Think Michael Phelps Is A Schmuck
    I see he likes to be decked out in the standard douchebag attire so popular with college kids, the baseball cap, excessively long, baggy shorts. The only thing he's missing is the t-shirt with a lame joke or nonsense logo printed on the front.

    I especially don't understand the appeal of the baseball cap, especially flipped backwards or on an angle. It's no wonder people around the world think Americans have no class. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    MaWeiTao was starred MaWeiTao was unstarred
    Image of Pessimippopotamus Pessimippopotamus
    10/19/09

    @MaWeiTao: Backwards baseball cap is hardly exclusive to Americans.

    But yes, Phelps has the douchebag frat boy look so bad. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Pessimippopotamus was starred Pessimippopotamus was unstarred
    Image of Ford Tempo Fanatic Ford Tempo Fanatic
    10/19/09

    In reply to This Is Exactly Why People Think Michael Phelps Is A Schmuck
    Black Ford Tempo with spinners? What say you Mr. Phelps? #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Ford Tempo Fanatic was starred Ford Tempo Fanatic was unstarred
    Image of Novaload Novaload
    10/19/09

    @Ford Tempo Fanatic: I think you'll need to throw in some kind bud to get him for that. Not everyone has your fetish. Indeed, he may not even know what a Tempo is, alas. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Novaload was starred Novaload was unstarred
    Image of Ford Tempo Fanatic Ford Tempo Fanatic
    10/19/09

    @Novaload: A Topaz would work just as well. If not better! The Topaz was for the ballers of '84. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Ford Tempo Fanatic was starred Ford Tempo Fanatic was unstarred
    Image of Novaload Novaload
    10/19/09

    @Ford Tempo Fanatic: Wow. I did not know that. You are a veritable wealth of information on uh, these kinds of, uh, Fords. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Novaload was starred Novaload was unstarred
    Image of ArtForge ArtForge
    10/19/09

    In reply to This Is Exactly Why People Think Michael Phelps Is A Schmuck
    Ben, I will make a Jalopnik hat if you can send it to him and get a picture of him wearing it in front of something, say, a little less rapper rental looking. Deal? #michaelphelps
     Reply
    ArtForge was starred ArtForge was unstarred
    Image of 86LX5.0 86LX5.0
    10/19/09

    In reply to This Is Exactly Why People Think Michael Phelps Is A Schmuck

    jalopnik i smell another photo shop contest civic kid #michaelphelps
     Reply
    FTGDWolverineEdition'09 promoted this comment 86LX5.0 was starred 86LX5.0 was unstarred
    Image of Artie Fufkin Artie Fufkin
    10/19/09

    In reply to This Is Exactly Why People Think Michael Phelps Is A Schmuck
    If I had started a company in 7th grade, it would have been called No Limit Incorporated. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Artie Fufkin was starred Artie Fufkin was unstarred
    Image of The Cheat The Cheat
    10/19/09

    @Artie Fufkin: I see you, and raise you "No Limits, LLC" #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Novaload promoted this comment The Cheat was starred The Cheat was unstarred
    Image of Novaload Novaload
    10/19/09

    @The Cheat: I see what you did there. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Novaload was starred Novaload was unstarred
    Image of FormerlyPreferredCustomer FormerlyPreferredCustomer
    10/19/09

    In reply to This Is Exactly Why People Think Michael Phelps Is A Schmuck
    Am I the only one thinking it would be better if it were "No Limit, Ltd." instead of "Inc."? #michaelphelps
     Reply
    snapoversteer smells like promoted this comment FormerlyPreferredCustomer was starred FormerlyPreferredCustomer was unstarred
    Image of Rhymenocerous Rhymenocerous
    10/19/09

    In reply to This Is Exactly Why People Think Michael Phelps Is A Schmuck
    Wait why? Because he has nice cars? I don't get it... #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Rhymenocerous was starred Rhymenocerous was unstarred
    Image of bonestock94 bonestock94
    10/19/09

    @Rhymenocerous: I think it's because he thinks he's a rapper. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Rhymenocerous promoted this comment bonestock94 was starred bonestock94 was unstarred
    Image of Rhymenocerous Rhymenocerous
    10/19/09

    @bonestock94: A rapper or just a 24-year-old guy who has a lot of money? #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Rhymenocerous was starred Rhymenocerous was unstarred
    Image of lilwillie lilwillie
    10/19/09

    In reply to This Is Exactly Why People Think Michael Phelps Is A Schmuck
    Unfortunately for him he is damned if he does and damned if he don't. I'm sure wherever he is paying to have his bling installed is asking for photo's of him so they can say they built Phelps a ride.

    I guess when he pays his bills and picks up his rides he isn't in his Sunday best. Just be thankful he isn't in his work clothes. I'd rather not see that. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    lilwillie was starred lilwillie was unstarred
    Image of Elhigh Elhigh
    10/19/09

    In reply to This Is Exactly Why People Think Michael Phelps Is A Schmuck
    I said a flip flop, the flippy, the flippy,
    To the flip flip flop, the shoe with slop
    Rock it to the freestyle medley, swimming in the medley
    Slumming round the city on my feet. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Elhigh was starred Elhigh was unstarred
    Image of Novaload Novaload
    10/19/09

    @Elhigh:
    Like a fish outta water,
    I know I oughta
    Stop dressin' like a hot mess
    With the flippy, the floppy
    The douche bag sloppy,
    In the water I'm an otter
    But on the ground I'm a clown. #michaelphelps
     Reply
    Novaload was starred Novaload was unstarred
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