When the current generation Chevy Malibu debuted it was heralded as the second-coming of the American mid-size sedan. While it's a big leap forward from the previous generation in style, sophistication and competitiveness, it's only because it's as somnabulant as any other mid-sizer. With a V6 and an automatic transmission it's like you're not driving anything at all. While this appeals to some drivers it does nothing but put us to sleep.

You'd think the Malibu Hybrid is even more of a snooze-fest but at least in the hybrid, the engine turns itself off sometimes, which is less quiet and more disquieting. Like, "Holy Shit my car just... oh, wait. Nevermind." It'll wake you up.

Before you load up on beer and tell your dad what you really think about his "new girlfriend," tell us whether there's another car more soporific to knock you out before he does.

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Since at least two of us already drive cars designed for AARP card-holders (Wojdyla's XJR and Hardigree's Volvo wagon), we see the opposite happening in 40 years. We'll be driving the latest super car: the Chery Wind of A Thousand Mountains, which of course traces it's lineage back to the great auto industry collapse of 2030, when Chery purchased both Lamborghini and Ferrari when they went out of business. It will also be the last gas-powered new car in existence, which we'll use to fend off scavengers who survived the robotpocalypse. We can't wait for the future.

Add a little silver to your foxy hair and look through your glaucoma-free eyes into the crystal ball and tell us: what will you drive when you're 70?

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Stupid is as stupid does. Ever set a race car on fire by cramming too much tire underneath it? (Been there.) Ever build a LeMons car out of an overly complex, doomed-to-fail supercar just because it had twelve cylinders? (Ditto.) If you haven't cocked things up in the name of cranking the speedo needle off the dial, then you're probably not trying. We know you're out there, and we know you've blown up way more machinery than we have, all because you Just Weren't Going Fast Enough.

If you're still here, then it couldn't have been that bad. Dumber things will happen, and they will probably happen to you. And us. But the question remains: To date, what's the dumbest thing you've done for more speed?

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In our minds, the worst is the King King Crew Member Edition VW Touareg. That's right, you're forking out money not to have a vehicle driven by a star of King Kong, nor a vehicle robust enough to tackle King Kong's island, but rather a vehicle designed to mimic what a crew member of the film King Kong drove around in to get Peter Jackson coffee and donuts. For $57,000. And if the indignity of actually paying that much money to remember a movie unloved by most wasn't enough, you also get a giant embarrassing King Kong logo on the B-pillar reminding people this isn't just an expensive VW, it's an expensive VW driven by a moron.

That's bad, there may be worse, what's worse than that?

BTW, pictured is the StudioTorino Fiat 500 Diabolik, a close runner up.

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At the top of our list is the Viper SRT10, a car which manages to approximate the feeling of tumbling over the side of a cliff only to discover you've landed perfectly on a branch and are therefore, hyperventilation and adrenaline aside, alive. Other super cars are designed, by virtue of having so much power and being driven by important rich people, to give you a sense of control in most situations. The Viper SRT10 was not. Driving it you feel completely out of control no matter where, when or under what conditions thanks to a shaky chassis, too much horsepower and horrific sight lines. And should you survive the drive — and this isn't a given — pull over to the side of the road after a long run and you've got to be careful you don't give your calves and hands third-degree burns from the fire-inducing exhaust pipes.

Not like that's always a bad thing. Now that we've revealed our fears, let us peer deep into your soul: what car scares the crap out of you?

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There are many, many Soviet cars we love but when forced to choose just one we feel it's important to remember that Stalin ruled his realm with an iron fist and any car we pick will have to contain similar metallurgical properties. Therefore we're picking the largest, toughest, and sexiest of all Russian cars: the Series III Volga M21. With enough clearance to climb over political dissidents, a powerful-for-Soviet-era 80 HP inline-six for outrunning the KGB, and a sexy look it was the car to have. Today the car is a legend and the preferred platform for serious customizations. Heck, one of them can even fly.

Okay Comrade, your turn. In Russia, car picks you. But this isn't Russian, this is America, so you pick your favorite Russian car.

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Ben Wojdyla, not surprisingly, has us all topped on this one. We've had some expensive repairs, but his uncommon 740 Volvo diesel endured an uncommonly pricey experience. A victim of its own uniqueness, the car was purchased for $2,000 and not long after purchase, there were transmission issues. Two months later the problem was sorted out. The total cost of getting it to work? About $1,700. As a percentage of the value of the car it's 85%. For all that scratch he could have just purchased a $3,700 car.

What about you? Shock us with the final bill price. What's your priciest car repair bill?

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We came up with the Ford SVT Raptor, which I could explain in a post but it makes more sense if you read this.

Take us through your thought process. What Would Jason drive?

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We're also including "lamest excuse given" in this for those bold enough to admit when they're completely full of it. Our favorite comes from a friend-of-Jalop who crashed into another car and then went off the track at Northern Illinois' own Blackhawk Raceway. The friend was in an E30 race car and the person he crashed into was driving a Fox-Body Mustang. His excuse? "Dude, Mustangs just have more brakes." Yeah, sure. It's what Mustangs are known for...

What about you? Surely you or your friends/family/lovers have done worse and claimed more.

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As excited as Siler is by the possibility of driving around NYC every day in an M1A1 with a bumper sticker reading "Free Driving Lessons" on the back, we're going with something we could actually drive every day. We've chosen the 4x4 Pinzgauer over other possibilities because a deuce-and-a-half is difficult to parallel park without "accidentally" crushing Mini Coopers. We'd go with the 4x6, but have you ever seen a valet manhandle anything with more than four wheels? It's like they've never competed in the Paris-to-Dakar rally before, or something.

The Pinzgauer is all we need in a daily driver: a convertible on the nice days, a wagon when we've got people to haul, a truck when we've got lumber to haul, and an off-roader when we've got to escape the zombie apocalypse. Plus, it's great for meeting girls.

Hey, lady, wanna see my Pinzgauer?

In honor of the veterans, let us know what olive green vehicle you'd like to push around your patch of friendly soil.

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We've polled the staff and come up with some stories that would be hard to believe if you didn't know the culprits. Wojdyla was given a ticket for taking a right on a yellow, which isn't so bad. Ray was once popped for driving a red Nissan GT-R in Brooklyn and having a "hard-to-read license plate." You know, those bright blue-on-white California manufacturer plates. Way hard to read if you're totally blind. Coincidentally, the officer sitting shotgun was a Nissan fan-boy and all he wanted to do was ask questions about the car — which Ray dutifully attempted to answer — while the officer's partner took his sweet time running his plate, license and insurance. They could have just said "my partner wants to see your car." Honesty's always the best policy.

Not surprisingly, Wes has the best story. He was pulled over for speeding, reckless riding, no license and no insurance. This was while he was sitting at a red light and in possession of both his license and proof of insurance.

Everyone else on this site has only been pulled over for completely logical reasons.

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Call us conventional, but if you're going to have an SUV limo, then stick to the classics like an Escalade, Excursion or Hummer. They're large vehicles that look appropriate for such a task. It's entirely different and pointless to want an Escalade limo with a tiny little pickup truck bed on the back. What are you going to use that for? Really? If there's no hot tub in it then it's just for some sort of exceptionally back-country vanity. Look, all we're saying is no person impressed by this that has all their teeth.

What do you consider to be the most obnoxious limo conversion of the thousands of custom ones out there? Pictures or it didn't happen.

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There are so many great cars we've let pass into oblivion, put out to pasture only to be replaced by cars we like even less than the original. Because it needs to be mass-marketed and have enough safety features to survive, as well as pass some sort of tests (though, we think there should be an exception), we're pulling for the BMW E30. It has ABS, at least one airbag, will easily pass an emissions test, still looks great, and drives better than most new BMWs. In fact, give us the choice between almost any new non-M BMW and, say, an E30 wagon we're going to take the E30. Actually, we'd probably take it over some M products, too.

Someone needs to step up, buy/recreate the tooling and start cranking these out.

What retired car do you think they should still make?

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It's been exciting to see more people take on the Transit Connect as a vehicle for customization. In terms of being a canvas, it's a big blank one with unique proportions someone with the right sort of creative spirit can easily exploit. Though a Dodge Sprinter 3500 would be better by this logic, the Transit Connect is also smaller, more affordable and a better drive. The Azentek and Grant Products Connect is a good first start, adding a custom pull-out kitchen and an upper bunk bed for sleeping. The Transit Connect could be a great office on the go with a sportier driving experience than your average van. We could also see a mid-mounted engine Supervan derivative if someone wanted to stuff something great from Ford's parts bin back there (Coyote? EcoBoost?).

What would you like to see the maestros of customization turn to next?

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There are a lot of good answers given the number of cars made to appeal both to the masculine and the vain. We think the one vehicle truly capturing both of these sides of the mimbo/himbo persona is the Jeep Wrangler Unlimited. In basic form, a Jeep has always been an appealing vehicle for -imbos of all varieties since at least the 1970s. In four-door form you reduce the likelihood of someone driving it off road and increase the possibility of a dude putting big shiny rims on it. The ability to go hard-top or convertible (i.e. accessorize) truly pushes it into the mimbo extreme.

Because they have to get to the tanning salon somehow, what's the ultimate mimbo car?

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Simple. In our mind, nothing beats a bolt-on Roots-type supercharger. Just look at the efficiency map above if you're even for a moment thinking anything else beats it at making your car better.

You have something better? Try us in the comments below.

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In our minds — the worst add-on is any aftermarket part sold as a "performance" booster when there's not a lick of performance benefit provided by it. Put anything chrome, plastic and fake on a hood or side quarter panel and we're NOT going to like it. At all. But, recently we found these 3A Racing "performance" mesh fabric seat covers. We're not only 100% sure they won't make your car go faster, we're pretty sure the added weight will actually decrease performance. What we also know is we don't want them.

You have something worse? Give us specifics and pictures in the comments below.

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We hope, we seriously hope, the concept that will be passé in a decade will be the stupid narrow greenhouse, chopped-roof look. They're fine on concept cars much in the same way impossibly shaved tires and LED-everything are fine on concept cars and yet they're what end up in the final cars (we're really willing to try LED-everything). The problem is manufacturers have been persuaded by researchers to believe that the higher the belt-line the more secure people will feel and the easier it will be to sell a car. The reality is it's incredibly dangerous. If you haven't had the pleasure of driving a new Camaro or GT-R you haven't had the pleasure of almost getting a colo-rectal exam by a dude in an F-250. It's unnatural, uncomfortable, and no longer really stylish since you can get the same thing on a Kia Soul.

What about you? What are we going to look back on and scoff at soon?

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Just to reiterate, the challenge is to bring a new, stock production four-door vehicle and try to beat the admittedly tough Cadillac CTS-V. Our first choice was, of course, a Mercedes C63 AMG until Mercedes decided they didn't want to have anything to do with it. And then Jaguar backed out with their XFR. At the end of the day, we're quite pleased with our Evo as we think it'll be able to hang with the big boys for a fraction of the price.

Assuming unlimited access and automakers with spines, what four-door stock production car would you bring to Monticello and why?

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If you haven't noticed, we're sort of obsessed with the post-apocalypse, so this is something we've given a lot of thought to and, on any given day, we're going to change our mind. There are two things you need to know about the post-apocalyptic cannon of Mad Max. Namely, there's not much fuel and how scary you look is roughly proportional to how scary you really are. So it goes, it has to be tough, it has to be efficient and it needs to be scary. Plus, it need to fit all the basic post-Ap requirements (speed, strength, maneuverability, defensibility, reliability, livability).

After a lot of thought, we're going to go with the Bushmaster Protected Mobility Vehicle, which was designed with fights in northern Australia in mind. It's lightly armored so it's not as slow as other mine-protected vehicles. It's also powerful enough to carry nine troops with their equipment and food/water for three days. Take out the other eight people, replace them with a trusty dog, and you've got enough space to carry a lot of gear. Oh, and it's got a robust air-conditioning and an even more robust Caterpillar 3126E engine. The one drawback is the appearance, which isn't as scary as other vehicles. To correct this problem we're going to Camino-ize part of the back and add a shark-nose to the front to give it the definition it needs.

What about you? Are you going to stick to the pre-war time period and pick a vehicle from the pre-1970s? Maybe something newer? It's your post-apocalypse, so you get to choose how you survive it.

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