I was pulling a couple of window cranks off this Spitfire, for installation on the 20R Sprite Hell Project), when these guys noticed my 24 Hours Of LeMons baseball cap. "We're thinking about entering the Buttonwillow Histrionics race, but we can't decide on a car," one told me. "Any advice?"

Naturally, my #1 choice for a first-time LeMons team would be a Triumph Stag. You can get this one for $450, and any team showing up with a Stag for their first-ever LeMons race would become instant Legends In Their Own Time. One lap around Buttonwillow in a Stag would be more glorious than 100 laps in a boring old 325i or Camaro, and talk about your Index Of Effluency slam-dunk! However, some teams have different priorities; some want to take the checkered flag, while others just want a car that can maximize seat time by running for a whole weekend.



Yeah, the LeMons newcomers often have this insane idea that it's possible for them to take the overall win (I know, I've been there), and that they'll be taking the big trophy and the 200 pounds of nickels at the awards ceremony. Well, that's just impossible, new guy; even a team stacked with experienced racers will still be looking at a pretty harsh learning curve the first time they get out there on a track full of rickety, parts-shedding junkheaps piloted by totally unpredictable hoons. We've read some great advice from previous winners (not to mention my personal cheating tips), and the Gator-O-Rama LeMons-winning Team Formula M For Mullet guys have shared their secrets as well (check in later for that). So if you're not willing to take on the Stag or, say, a Humber Sceptre, and you recognize that you can't win the thing on your first try, what car will maximize the amount of track time you'll get, while not being so slow as to make all the other racers hate your guts for being a big unflushable turd of a roadblock? First, let's talk about some seemingly good choices that aren't so good in reality:



LeMons Bad Car Choice #1: Any Honda or Acura. Honda makes some incredible 300,000-mile engines, and even a Civic HX will be pretty quick around a racetrack. The 2nd-gen Integra is probably the quickest legitimate $500 road-race car you can buy. However, Honda engines tend to puke at LeMons races; I've seen more blown head gaskets and thrown rods on Honda LeMons cars than on all other makes combined.


LeMons Bad Car Choice #2: Mazda Miata. Yeah, yeah, you and your buddies race Miatas all day long, and you totally know where to get one for, like, a hundred bucks. Thing is, we won't believe you during the BS Inspection, and half the other racers at the track will hate your guts because they know There Are No Cheap Miatas Out There.


LeMons Bad Car Choice #3: BMW E30. The E30 is one fast mo-fo, and that's no lie! You can get a pretty good runner for a few hundred bucks, too… you and half the other racers at any given 24 Hours Of LeMons race, that is. They break down on the track with depressing regularity (generally with fiendishly undiagnosable electrical ailments or fiendishly inaccessible mechanical failures), and there's something about an E30 that turns normally mild-mannered racers into regular Penalty Box visitors. We could go on and on (I might add the Mazda RX-7, Datsun/Nissan Z/ZX, 3rd-gen GM F-body, and a few others to the LeMons Beginners' Looks Good But Isn't Car Choice list) but it's time to get on with the good choices. To make this list, I consulted with the guy who knows more about good and bad LeMons machinery than any man alive: Nick Pon, LeMons Assistant Perpetrator and our own TheEastBayKid:


LeMons Good Car Choice #1: Toyota Corolla FX16. The big danger with a front-driver is that you'll fry the clutch and then get knocked out for five hours while you disassemble the suspension, pull the transmission, etc. However, it's worth taking that chance with an FX16, because it's impressively fast, handles predictably (very important if you don't want to talk to me and Justice Lieberman in the Penalty Box) and has proven to be a reliable LeMons machine. Plus, that engine sounds incredible; check out this video from the Schumacher Taxi Service FX16 at LeMons South '08:





LeMons Good Car Choice #2: BMW E28. We haven't seen huge numbers of E28s at LeMons races, but those that have entered have done quite well. In fact, Black Iron Racing's 535i won the LeMons SF '07 race. Is the E28 tough enough? Well, the Sharkmobile 528e has survived two races having the absolute dogshit beat out of it by its wild-eyed posse of black-flag-magnet drivers, and it's coming back for more!


LeMons Good Car Choice #3: Fox Body Mustang. The junkyards have ridiculous quantities of Fox parts (Fairmonts, Zephyrs, even the Lincoln Mark VII is based on the same chassis), the Fox handles and brakes pretty well, and it's easy to fix when something breaks. And you don't need the V8 to get around the track in a hurry; we've seen the Pinto-powered four-banger Mustangs rack up lap times indistinguishable from their 5.0-packin' brethren at race after race.


LeMons Good Car Choice #4: Mazda Protege. Mazdas tend to be pretty bulletproof at 24 Hours Of LeMons races, and Mazdas have won more LeMons events than any other marque. We don't recommend the RX-7 for LeMons n00bs (very quick, but fragile if you get hit), but how about the winner of the Arse Freeze-A-Palooza '07 race? You can get a Protege for next to nothing, the performance is pretty similar to that of a Civic (but without the tendency to blow head gaskets), and it's small enough to stay out of trouble.

Let the debates begin! If you want to see how this stuff works in reality, come to Kershaw, South Carolina, next weekend for the LeMons South Spring race. See you there!

We never would have considered the Mazda Protege a likely candidate to win the 24 Hours of LeMons, but Team Red Meat and Poontang showed us that a near-stock '99 can do the trick. The problem is finding a running late-90s example for under $500; Red Meat and Poontang did it by finding one with horrendous body damage, but it's not an easy task. However, it can be done; here's a '97 that can probably be had for well below the $500 asking price (go here if the ad disappears). It's got an automatic, which isn't ideal for racing, but maybe you could sell the transmission for enough money to buy a junkyard 5-speed. It lacks a hood, but who cares? Brakes... well, you'll probably want to fix those before you go racing. The hell part is going to come in when you realize you have like $9 to spend on upgrading anything- put in the cage, gut it, and go racing- hope it doesn't break!

The Neon is a strange car- on the one hand, it's a shoddy piece of throwaway Detroit junk, and on the other it's a potential race machine that can really tear up a track. That's great news for us, because the first part means you can afford the second part! The autocross-friendly ACR Neon is the one to bring to a LeMons race, but who can afford one? It's your lucky day- we've found this '96 Neon ACR (go here if the ad disappears) for just $250. Not only that, it comes with two engines, including a DOHC R/T unit! No word on whether either or both of them run, but you won't care once you see the swaybars (which may or may not be big aftermarket units) and Booger shifter bushings; if you don't believe you're getting genuine Boogers, just check the blurry photographs... hmmm, maybe the fact that the seller thinks the shifter bushings are the most important feature of the car tells us something about the deal.

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As far as the flipped MR2 goes, I think my favorite part was when the announcer came over the PA and said, "We have the driver on the radio. He's not smart but he is fine." Jalopnik hearts LeMons.

Here's another shot of Team Red Meat and Poontang (on the left) coming out of the last turn. Very, very good work boys — now keep it up! One last thing; I wish you all could see the blue and orange Volvo 242 in action, as it's just about scraping the door handles through the twisties.