Face it, what does the $9,000,000 '62 Ferrari 330 have that a Malaise Era Alfa or Lancia doesn't have? Wait, don't answer that! Instead, consider this: for around 1/9000th the price, you can have a sporty machine from the very same country!

What kind of car can you get for $1,250 these days? Maybe a 15-year-old Sentra, speckled with shopping-cart dings and filled with the smell of countless spilled McDonald's chocolate shakes? Or an Olds Cutlass Ciera with a potato for a gas cap and Bondo-and-rust clusters falling off on every speed bump? How depressing! But wait- what if we were to find you a genuine Alfa Romeo GTV for that price? A car with just 58,000 miles on the clock, because more than half its life has been spent sitting in a garage… waiting for you to rescue it? No, really! Here's a "garage find" '74 Alfa Romeo GTV (go here if the listing disappears) for next to nothing. It appears to be complete, and the seller says the "motor and tranny seem to be somewhat clean and oil free," which we hope isn't referring to their innards. Who knows, it will never might start right up with a simple tune-up! You might need to do a little metal cutting and pasting once you do have it running, because the seller admits that it has "all the usual rust problems of an alfa," and the registration paperwork will require negotiating labyrinths of bureaucracy you never imagined existed a bit of work, due to the car's "unknown title." Is an unknown title worse than a missing one? Never you mind about that stuff- just buy this project and start enjoying the benefits of an Italian basket case daily driver in about 10 years no time!

Everyone loves an Alfa, of course, but what would Fabio drive? A Lancia, of course! You can still buy Fabio's Appia, which hasn't dropped in price by a single lira in the last couple of years, but you might not have the pecs and/or hair to pull off looking cool in a cute little sedan. But buy this '75 Lancia Beta (go "http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/jalopnik/2009/11/75_lanciabeta-ss.jpg"/>here if the listing disappears) and you'll find your image on the covers of paperback bodice-rippers within weeks of getting it running. Of course, that might be akin to cleaning the Augean stables a couple of weekends of work, considering that it needs a "new timing belt to run and a little TLC" (translation for those of you who don't speak Craigslist-ese: "Something terrible is wrong with the engine, including what you hope will be just the timing belt"). But hey, Mr. or Ms. Thousandaire, imagine yourself behind the wheel of a genuine Italian sports coupe and it will all seem worthwhile.

Yeah, once a car gets a full roll cage and fixed racing seat it becomes slightly less comfortable as a commuter car, but you'll get used to it. The Faster Farms Chickens' 1966 Belvedere takes one team member to work and back every day, five-point harness, no side glass, the works. His friends and family edge away from him in horror think he's a hero for his choice of vehicle, and now you could inspire the same pity respect! We've found a couple of retired 24 Hours Of LeMons machines that fit the bill nicely.

You want your new car to be well-maintained, so what could be better than a veteran of the Battle Of The Somme, aka the mud-soaked 24-hour party that was The Lamest Day 24 Hours Of LeMons? It was just like Woodstock, only with more mud, more particle-board campfires, and way more busted engines. The Police Brutality '61 Fleetwood accomplished its mission of beating up breast cancer for charity, and now Police Brutality is ready to move on to even more terrible better race cars. For 500 bucks, you get this running, driving, fully caged 1961 Cadillac Fleetwood, winner of the Organizer's Choice trophy, and they'll even throw in a set of slightly used Fuzion HRi tires. Imagine the envy you'll inspire as you cruise the boulevard in this fine luxury race car!

You'd enjoy life to its fullest, driving that Fleetwood around town, but what if you've got a family? You could install more race seats (hey, kids are agile enough to climb in over the roll cage), but what about all the gear that you've got to haul when you've reproduced? You need a station wagon, and we can't imagine even the most uptight homeowners' association objecting to a safe-n-sensible Volvo 245. Such as, for example, the FAST-ish and the FURRiest Volvo wagon, which finished an impressive 18th at the Lamest Day and can be purchased for a mere 500 bucks. It comes with tasteful leopardskin-and-teeth decor and a nuclear-family-style rollcage, but you'll need to supply your own seats and wheels. Remember, this car blew away dozens of BMWs, Porsches, and Acuras at Nelson Ledges, so you'll feel proud to haul the family in the baddest-ass hot rod in your subdivision!

That's why we're going with a couple of classic Italian machines once again, only this time we're going a lot skinflintier on the budget side. Just how cheap are today's totally easy projects? 500 bucks apiece! That's right, we're looking at sure-fire Index Of Effluency contenders for potential 24 Hours Of LeMons teams. Whether you decide to race one of these beauties or turn it into a painfully cool daily driver, you should be able to do it by investing just a 55 gallon drum brimming with little sweat and a cubic foot of few dollars.

Why is it that those lucky Yurpeans got almost all of the Lancia Betas? The first new model manufactured by Lancia after being taken over by Fiat, the Beta had a screamin' Fiat Twin Cam engine, front wheel drive, four wheel disc brakes, and all sorts of excessively complex innovative suspension features. You'd think they'd have sold like crazy in Malaise Era North America, but these days you'd be lucky to find one Beta per time zone. As for getting one for a 3-figure price, forget it! No, don't forget it, because this 1977 Lancia Beta Berlina (go here if the listing disappears), located in theoretically rust-free New Mexico, is ready to clank into your life for just cinquecento bucks! It appears that most of the paint on its horizontal surface has been burned off by the desert sun, and we must assume that the interior is in hopeless somewhat rough shape, but then we see those three magical PCH words in the listing ("ran when parked") and we know everything will be just fine! Thanks to five_on_ninetyeight for the tip.

Front wheel drive? Unless we're talking about a Citroën or maybe a 500-cubic-inch Eldorado, it's tough to work up the motivation to sacrifice your mental, physical, and fiscal health on the Hell Garage altar for a front-driver. You've got plenty of Italian rear-drive options available, and things get even better when you start thinking about horsepower-doubling engine swaps. Say, a Fiat 1100 with the original 1098cc engine torn out and replaced with a powerplant nearly twice as big? But where would you find that, you ask? A Texas rattlesnake hissed out a message about this 1959 Fiat 1100 with Toyota engine (go here if the listing disappears), and we're passing it on to you! Only $500, and the engine-donor car drove itself to the garage under its own power. The engine looks like a Toyota A of some sort, and the front suspension from the unidentified Toyota was swapped in as an added bonus. Not only that, the seller says he's "built several before," so you know he or she must have all the engineering tricks worked out by now- most likely you'll be able to just smash your skull against tinker with it for several eternities a couple of afternoons and get this ToyoFiat into fully roadworthy (or raceworthy) shape!

Sure, sure, you could wait for the Fiat 500 to show up in dealerships here, but who needs all that heavy sound insulation and mollycoddling safety gear? Not you! What you need, Giovanni, is a classic high-performance Fiat, made back in the day when an American had to be utterly insane really serious to buy one!

You've got a few grand burning a hole in your pocket and you've got your eye on vintage Italian sports cars. Now, you could get a pretty decent Alfa Spider for that kind of money, a very nice Fiat X1/9, maybe even a Lancia Scorpion. But what you really dream about is a Fiat Dino, the Ferrari-engined machine that 93% of you thought was nicely priced at $15,000. Find a Dino on an X1/9 budget? You might as well start looking for Picassos in the Salvation Army… but what's this? A genuine 1970 Fiat Dino 2400 coupe (go here if the ad disappears) for just $3,500! How could such a thing be? Here's how: the original Ferrari V6 has gone AWOL, along with the transmission. Otherwise, the car seems to be in pretty good shape, and it lives in rust-free Southern California. Face it, you can't afford to buy a replacement Ferrari engine, but you could get even more power and stay Italian, simply by picking up a beat-to-crap Alfa Romeo 164 with the 4-valve V6 and doing a little engine swappage. That's right, 208 horses instead of the original 180, and only the most obsessed of Fiat zealots (Fiat zealots do exist, right?) would be sufficiently offended by such a swap to stab you in the eye with a screwdriver.

You'd have a great time driving that Dino around town, but what happens when you take it to your local race track for some track-day hoonage? It'll sound good, no doubt, but you'll be eating the dust of them goddamn kids in their 10-year-old Civics. You need a Fiat race car! In fact, what you need is a Fiat race car that you make quasi-street-legal, so that you can squirm through rollcage bars every time you make a run to the convenience store, then be unable to carry on a conversation because your ears won't stop ringing. Everyone will know you're the dorkiest geek on the face of the earth a first-rank wheelman when they see you blatting down the boulevard in your new daily driver: this 1974 Fiat 128 SL Coupe racer (go here if the ad disappears). It appears to be ready to race as it sits, but getting it street-ready might take some doing. You'll need to install all the gear that nanny-state socialists- the sort that would get a quick smackdown from the Founding Fathers, were they to rise from the dead and see what weaklings Americans have become- demand of drivers: wipers, turn signals, horn, etc. Then you'll need to befriend the helpful folks down at your local DMV, because it's a sure bet that the registration paperwork on this thing will be impossible challenging. And, unless you feel like waiting in line behind Cessnas at your local airport's Gas-N-Fly every time you need some go-go juice, you'll have to do a piston downgrade; 14:1 compression, though awesome, might be a bit extreme for the street.

Bad people, that's who doesn't love happy little Triumphs! You're not a bad person, are you? Of course not! Thing is, most of the affordable Triumph projects these days are Malaise Era TR7s and Spitfires with huge bumpers. Is it even possible to find a pre-Malaise Triumph project for cheap? Really cheap, that is. What's that sound? Why, it's the doors to Project Car Hell opening, and they don't squeak one bit… because they're lubed with the blood of Triumph owners!

After you saw James May turn a Triumph Herald into a sailboat, you probably thought something like "Whoa, I haven't seen a Triumph Herald in… well, ever!" They didn't sell particularly well in North America, and that's a damned shame. You see, the Herald combined simplicity with Italian styling and woefully underpowered nimble performance, at a time when Americans had to buy Datsun 411s for such features. That doesn't mean you can't find them for reasonable prices nowadays, provided you're willing to overlook a bit of the ol' iron oxide. We've found this '64 Herald convertible in Baltimore (go here if the ad disappears), and it's only 400 bucks! Sure, sure, you should could turn this staggeringly terrible basket case TLC-deprived project into an awesome 24 Hours Of LeMons car, but that's taking the easy way out! We say you ought to do an obsessive frame-off restoration, correct down to the original warm-beer-influenced Coventry chalk marks and OEM Lucas Electrics components. The seller doesn't go into any detail about the rust situation, but then he doesn't have to. But hey, it has a clear title!

The Herald really wasn't a proper sports car, with a one-main-bearing four-cylinder displacing 18 Whitworth cubic inches or some such (slight exaggeration) and all. You need more engine in your Triumph! You could go for a Stag- which we strongly, in fact overwhelmingly recommend- but for the purposes of this challenge we're going to stick with smaller Triumph offerings. The GT6 is a truly wretched fine machine, and certainly affordable if you look hard enough, but we really like the iconic TR6 when it comes time for a six-banger Triumph. But dang, have you seen what sellers are asking for the pretty and/or running TR6s? These are hard times we're in, and you need your shillings to feed the gas meter in your dismal, mildew-coated flat! That's what makes this '68 Triumph TR6 (go here if the ad disappears) so appealing. It ran when parked, and that phrase always means eternal torment an easy walk in the park! The seller isn't trying to do a hard sell here, freely admitting that the "CAR IS RUSTY & ROT BUT HAS MANY GOOD PARTS," and it's true that it's composed entirely of rust and fungus a little rough, but you couldn't possibley can solve those problems with a cubic yard of $100 bills little elbow grease in your pit full of boiling sulfur garage! Come on, it's only 500 bucks!

Hanging around with the 24 Hours Of LeMons HQ crew, I've learned that they're the most Alfa-centric bunch of car geeks you're ever going to find; most of them started out on British sports cars and then realized that you have more fun when your ride has performance to match its unreliability… and the next step generally involves ditching the GT6 or MGA or whatever and buying an Alfa Romeo. It's true- Alfa Romeo has made plenty of fundamentally superior cars over the years, and so what if they're all nervous and complicated and all the parts have to be hand-carved from the wood of the True Cross by a 98-year-old man in a dirt-floor Genoa workshop illuminated by a whale-oil lamp? You need an Alfa! And we don't mean some easy-to-find Reagan Era Graduate or 164 here. No, we're talking Sophia Loren-grade machinery from the 1960s! Multiple carburetors or Spica mechanical fuel injection! Partito Comunista Italiano firebrands preaching revolution on the factory floor!

The 2000 Spider sure was a looker, wasn't it? Just concentrated essence of Alfa Romeo, for sure, but it's no easy task to find one for your personal Hell Garage these days. You sigh in relief and start looking for a Miata, right? Wrong! We've found you this 1961 Alfa Romeo 2000 Spider (go here if the ad disappears), just 80,000 miles on the clock and a price tag of just 1,700 bucks… or best offer! No doubt you're already spraining your fingers dialing up the seller at this moment, but we do have to throw in a couple of minor caveats. First, there's rust. Maybe a better way of putting it would be it's rust, as in very few fugitive iron atoms have managed to barricade themselves against marauding bands of oxygen molecules. What the heck, you expect some of the red stuff in Massachusetts, no? The car rolls and the drivetrain appears complete, though the seller acknowledges that the engine is most likely frozen solid. Many trim pieces come with the car, and you even get some glass! Come on, it couldn't be that difficult!

We love Spiders, but say you need to do some grocery hauling from time to time? You need a vintage Alfa Romeo daily driver, we say, and that means you should start shopping for a Berlina sedan. No, no, don't give up- affordable project Berlinas are definitely out there. Say, this $400 1969 Alfa Romeo 1750 Berlina (go here if the ad disappears). Now, if you've ever seen Double Indemnity, you know that a Medford, Oregon, man means what he says and says what he means, and that's just who's selling this car. Ted knows that he doesn't need to go to the hassle of typing out a whole bunch of pointless description when he's selling a classic Italian sports sedan for the price of a clapped-out Olds Ciera with a couple of rods hanging out of the block. Is there an engine? A transmission? Legal paperwork? A plutonium-240-fueled Soviet radioisotope thermoelectric generator kicking out neutrons in the trunk? Hey, we can't say, but all we need to do is repeat the phrase "400 dollar 1750 Berlina" and you get the point.

The Maserati-powered Model T definitely made an impression at the last Billetproof Nor-Cal, which is totally understandable. After all, the [flawless Model A, B, or T] + [Chevy or Ford OHV V8] formula has been done so often and so well that you need a body machined from pure plutonium to really stand out these days, while the [rusty-ass ancient non-Ford] + [weird yet hypnotically cool engine] formula still offers plenty of fun for each pint of blood you spill in the Hell Garage. Tonight, we're going to look at a total of nine possible vehicle+engine combos, any one of which would draw vast crowds of Bettie Page lookalikes at the next Billetproof. Hear the rusty iron doors of the Hell Garage swinging open for you? Once closed, they'll be welded shut until you're done... or insane!

Every time I see the amazing DOTS '47 Plymouth rumbling through my neighborhood, I realize anew that old suicide-door Plymouth sedans let you roll in the purest Hell Garage style. Affordable examples are quite easy to find in diamond-in-the-rough condition, too. Say f'r'example, this 1937 Plymouth sedan, which has a no-doubt-negotiable $1,000 price tag. The patina is already perfect, and the "toast" interior should be viewed as an opportunity to commission a special burlap-and-studded-pleather extravaganza!

It's tough to argue with the appeal of a 62-year-old sedan, but an elderly pickup made by a farm equipment manufacturer might make you forget all about that Plymouth. This '38 IHC pickup, which has been sitting in an Iowa field since Syngman Rhee was in office, has the perfect paint finish for Billetproof stardom, though we're not sure that "no bullet holes" is really a selling point. No matter, though- you can always make your own bullet holes!

Sedans? Trucks? Don't forget station wagons! Sure, you'd like a two-door wagon, and a Ford Ranch Wagon would be an excellent choice... but even that might veer uncomfortably close to the overchromed aesthetic behind those hyper-sanitary Chevy Nomads we see at mainstream car shows. Don't worry, because LeMons Rabbit racer Casadelshawn has tipped us off about this Opel Olympia Caravan, which is priced right in LeMons territory... which isn't relevant, because you know that mini-Euro-Nomad will be just the car to receive the engine of your deepest fears dreams! And, speaking of engines...

Now that you've picked out your chassis, what would you say to a 317-horse, DOHC/4-valve aluminum V8 that should be making good power until the Sun goes supernova? You can get this Nissan VK56DE out of a Nissan Titan pickup for well under two grand, though you'll need to spend many a few more bucks setting it up with an octet of Weber carbs and some sort of transmission.

A Nissan 5.6 liter V8 would be fun, but imagine all the wild Teutonic Maltese-cross decor you could put on your Opel, Plymouth, or IHC if you were to drop a Mercedes-Benz 5.6 liter V8 into the engine compartment? An M117, freshly torn from the still-twitching corpse of a big ol' Cocaine Dealer Grade 560SEL, would be just the ticket, and here's a 69,000-mile specimen for a mere 710 bucks! You'll need to ditch that irritatingly modern fuel-injection system and replace it with some carburetors, of course, and we recommend a homemade pipe-organ-style intake manifold made from galvanized plumbing fittings and sucking fuel from as many updraft Cessna carburetors as you can obtain. Then you'll start your junkyard quest for a functional junkyard transmission. How hard could it be?

Is there some rule that states you've got to have a V8? No? Well, how about one of GM's coolest engines ever, a high-performance inline six that struggled to get attention while in the shadow of big-inch monster V8s during the Muscle Car Golden Age? Yes, we mean the Pontiac OHC six-cylinder, which was a Chevrolet 230 or 250 six equipped with a futuristic (for 1960s Detroit) belt-driven overhead-cam cylinder head. The high-performance Sprint version, installed in regrettably few Firebirds and Tempests, could hold its own against V8s with vastly more displacement... but real Sprints are hard to find. No problem, though, because you can build your own Sprint from this Pontiac OHC 250, which is sitting with a top bid of just 150 bucks.

Ready to decide? Let's vote!

Thing is, these newfangled Elises and whatnot seem to be contaminated by engines built by Ssangyong or Sony or some such place where all the focus is on reliability. As true Lotus pilots know, a real British sports car should be built in a shed, preferably with a dirt floor, and powered by an engine with as much character as the most gratuitous use of italicization can convey! That means you need to get an old Lotus, and- whoo-EEE!- those suckers aren't cheap! Fortunately for you, the same economic meltdown that's turning huge swaths of the country into a 21st-century Dust Bowl is also knocking the hell out of project Lotus prices, and so we've found a couple of projects you can buy for about the same price as a 15-year-old Tercel with a couple of burned valves. Welcome to Project Lotus Hell!

In 1974, a new Elite would cost you close to 20 grand, depending on options. That lofty price tag was more than 5,000 bucks higher than a shiny new '74 Porsche 911 Carrera's, so you figure there's no way on earth you could get an affordable project Elite, right? As we say here in the Hell Garage, there's always a way to get that nightmare dream project into your life, regardless of financial limitations, and this '74 Lotus Elite (go here if the listing disappears) is the proof! Would you believe $500 or best offer? Hot damn! The seller knows the kind of jewel he's got for sale, so he doesn't waste his time or yours with lengthy descriptions. It's a real Lotus, it's yellow, it has a "repaired motor and trans" that "just need installing" and it "needs some restoration." So, you take that repaired motor and trans and twist a couple of wrenches, spend a few hours doing some restoration, and there's your daily-driver Lotus. Easy!

We like the Elite, but it's a little on the bulky side for that true Lotus experience. 2,000 pounds? What a battleship! You need to add some lightness and get a Lotus that scales in at more like 1,300 pounds, and that means a vintage Europa. As we know, demand for the Europa is higher than what you see for the Elite, which means prices are going to be a bit higher. Would you pay a grand for one? Do we even need to ask that question? Here's a '70 Europa with just 56,000 miles on the clock (go here if the listing disappears), and it looks to be a hopeless solid basket case restoration candidate, just waiting for the right sucker buyer to invest his or her entire bank balance and/or sanity a few quality hours in the garage! The Europa came with a high-strung Renault engine, which you may or may not get with this car (the seller drops the intentionally ambiguous statement "Does not run, however, have all body parts"), and a fiberglass body (which means that you only have to worry about rust on the chassis and suspension). Hey, if you can drop a Cadillac 4.9 V8 in a Fiero, why not a Europa? We say it's a great idea!

We've got a couple of deals from the Deep South here, an Italian 3-fer and a Brazilian-German 2-fer, and they're priced like it's 1865 all over again! Saddle up the trailers, carpetbaggers!

I've been doing my best to interest wannabe 24 Hours Of LeMons teams in the idea of racing a Lancia instead of, say, an RX-7 or noch ein Scheiß-E30, but so far none of them seems to understand the sheer Italian awesomeness of Lancia iron. Why, Jeremy Clarkson himself selected a Lancia Beta to drive across Namibia. That's bad news for LeMons, but great news for you, because this '81 Lancia Zagato in Chattanooga (go here if the listing disappears) has a clapped-out-Kia-grade price tag of only 700 bucks. But wait, there's more! You see, you don't just get the Lancia with this deal; you also get a pair of Fiats, including a 124 Spider and a "sedan" of some sort. A 128? 130? Polski 125p? Don't waste time agonizing over the identity of the Mystery Fiat Sedan, because you also get a vast hoard of rusty-ass crap precious spare parts, including four engines!

You say you don't want an instant Italian junkyard on your property? Normally we'd say you need to get your priorities straight, pal, but passing up the Lancia/Fiat Bonanza means your garage still has room for this L'Automobile Ventura with bonus VW Type 3 Fastback deal (go here if the listing disappears). The price is double that of the Lancia/Fiat deal, and you only get two cars… but such cars! The Brazilian-made L'Automobile Ventura was a fiberglass-bodied sports car based on an air-cooled VW pan, but don't go mixing it up with the Puma GT; the Ventura came with a pancake Type 3 engine with crank-driven fan, so it has room for storage in the rear. As for styling, who could resist a car with lines that pay homage to the Nissan 300ZX, Jensen Interceptor, and Chrysler Laser? Exactly! But hold on there, because the Ventura isn't all you get here; the seller purchased a '72 Volkswagen Fastback as an engine donor car for the regrettably non-powered Ventura, but then didn't have the heart to sacrifice the Volks. That means the yard next to the double-wide has two too many vehicles, and they've got to go! The Fastback's engine is in good shape, except for the minor issue of non-functioning fuel injection, and it even has the super-rare (and nonworking) air-conditioning option. That's right, VW buyers in 1972 were able to drain 20 or so of the car's 65 horsepower by hitting the AC button! All tires are rotten. No mention of rust. The lack of title on the Ventura might make for some comedic moments at the DMV, but we're sure the DMV clerks will be quite understanding about your unregistered, undocumented orphan car from a country they've probably never heard of. Thanks to Nagruv5150 for the tip!

Ever since I saw a hopeless beater Mercedes-Benz 600 being shipped to Europe from Oakland, I've assumed that no mere mortal could ever hope to purchase such a car for his or her own personal Hell Garage. Spending a couple grand for shipping of a ratty parts car would imply that a much more terrible totally restorable project 600 should be priced in the tens of thousands of bucks, right? Right? Ha ha, my friends, just look at those bankers hurling themselves bodily out of their 30th-floor office windows- this recession is great news for Mercedes-Benz 600 shoppers! Once you take a glance at this 1965 Mercedes-Benz 600 SWB limo, your best move will be to pretend you never saw it head straight to Oregon. The current top bid is just over three grand at the time of this writing, and we're pretty sure you could score this three-ton white elephant kingly chariot for not much more than that. The body is "surprisingly straight," the M100 engine is still there, but some of the impossible hard-to-find hydraulic gear is long gone. No matter, you'll solve those problems and many more!

The Grosse is one amazing machine, we won't dispute that. However, standing on the gas pedal in a car that weighs nearly 6,000 pounds might be less than satisfying, even with the mighty M100 under the hood. You need a Benz with all the style and comfort you can't afford deserve and the spits-in-the-Malaise-Era's-face power that other carmakers dreamed of back when the Corvette got by with 165 horsepower. We refer to the Mercedes-Benz 450SEL 6.9, of course, and a real one has never been more affordable! This 1977 Mercedes-Benz 450SEL 6.9 (go here if the ad disappears) is priced at a rusty-Sentra-grade one thousand bucks. When you consider that the original adjusted-for-inflation price of this car was nearly $139,000, we're talking about a how-could-this-happen 99.3% depreciation, on one of the greatest cars ever built! The seller doesn't bore us with all sorts of useless trivia, such as mechanical and/or cosmetic condition, and the photographs were taken with a camera inside a plastic bag smeared with mayonnaise, but who cares? You know that even Werner von Braun would edge away in horror from this one-way ticket to Crazy Town you'll have this fine Autobahn monster running in no time!

I've been reading Mr. Wangers' memoir (review coming soon), and I've learned about some of the tape-stripe-tastic Malaise Era machinery he helped create for American automakers. His company, Motortown, produced the Foghat-approved '76 and '77 Mustang Cobra II and the shaker-scoop equipped Can Am option package for the otherwise lackluster '77 Pontiac LeMans. They're genuine, limited-edition classics now, the sort of of-their-time machines that just ooze transmission fluid history… and you can get 'em cheap!

The Malaise Era was all about harsh limits on cars, but the Can-Am racing series was all about tossing limits straight into the nearest trash can. Why not name a dressed-up '77 Pontiac LeMans after the series? Once Motortown got through making with the tape stripes, spoilers, Trans Am shaker hood scoop, and 200-horsepower Pontiac 400 V8 (or the Olds 403 for California-bound cars), the boring LeMans had been transformed into a Quaalude-enhanced sled that was sure to wow the valets at Studio 54. Fewer than 1,500 Can Ams were made, so you'd think a project-grade example would be tough to find… but wait! Here's one in oxide-friendly Vermont (go here if the listing disappears), and it seems to be more or less complete. The shaker scoop is gone, but that's a common-as-herpes-at-the-disco Trans Am piece; as for drivetrain stuff, you can practically buy those parts at 7-11! The seller knows he's got a real rarity and he's not talking price yet, but we're pretty sure the sight of your cash- not to mention the latest news from Wall Street- will make him eager to hand over this classic Pontiac at a reasonable price!

Was the Pinto-based Mustang II worthy of the Cobra name? Of course it wasn't, and with a 302-cubic-inch V8 under the hood it went pretty well for a Malaise machine. Not all of the first round of Cobra IIs (which were created at a tape-stripe-and-hood-scoop operation headed by Wangers) got the 302, but this one in Arkansas (go here if the listing disappears) is conveniently engine-free; you'll be able to build a Gerald-Ford-grade 134-horsepower 302 for it, or maybe even upgrade to more power if 100% correctness isn't your obsession. It's got the right Motortown colors, the interior components are mostly there (if on the icky side), and it's only 1,500 bucks. Imagine the withering glares respect you'll get when you roll up to the Mustang show in this little fastback!

We'd really like to go with a couple of the German Cheesecake Hell Machines for this, but the shipping costs to your hobo jungle just puts the price tag too far out of reach. Despair not, though; we've got a pair of budget classics for you, and you get to choose between Malaise Era British build quality and Warsaw Pact parts availability. If you're willing to substitute optimism sweat for sanity a fat bankroll, you could never, ever get one of these hair shirts fine European machines back on the road!

Have you ever gone Lotus shopping? Man, they sure ain't cheap! That's because serious car freaks know that nothing handles like a Lotus, particularly one that's equipped with a nervous high-revvin' Torqueless Wonder engine. However, a true bargain hunter knows where to go for a genuine Lotus at a Festiva price: hurricane country! Head on down to Houston with 1,250 Washingtons and this slightly flood-damaged 1980 Lotus Elite (go here if the ad disappears) could be yours. That mean ol' Hurricane Ike was rough on vehicles (we saw some real flood horror stories on the track at the Yeehaw It's Texas 24 Hours Of LeMons last year), but how bad could a little water damage be when you're looking at a no-frills sports car such as the Elite? Fix some electrical bits here, maybe wring out some mildew-enhanced carpeting there, and you'll be several years and vast quantities of cash just a few turns of the wrench away from driving your Elite. Not only that, you get an alleged two grand in "undamaged by Ike" new parts in the deal!

1948: An Iron Curtain descends over much of Europe, yet those plucky Czechs somehow manage to shove a few Skodas under the curtain and across the Atlantic. 1951: This '48 Škoda 1101 (go here if the ad disappears) breaks down, its owner is hauled before Richard Nixon and the House Un-American Activities Committe for attempting to purchase replacement parts from Czechoslavakia, and the car is parked in the woods near Gig Harbor, Washington. We can't swear for sure that the story went just like that, but the car's appearance certainly suggests a lengthy campout in the damp forests of Washington state. According to the seller, it has "semaphor blinkers," which is pretty neat, and it looks like the majority of parts are still there; as an added bonus, you can impress your computer-geek stoner friends by informing them that 1101 is the binary for 13. Dude! Imagine this Škoda jacked up over a solid front axle and equipped with the "KGB Special" V8 out of the GAZ-23 Volga sedan- you'd have yourself a Warsaw Pact GAZser!

That method worked wonders on the saleability of this Morris Minor Hell Project, and now we're seeing the cheesecake approach taken to new heights with the most decrepit awesome collection of Hell Projects we've ever seen offered by a single eBay seller. Looking for a '63 Ford Zodiac? Perhaps a '49 Salmson S461 is more your speed, or a '54 Austin A30. Whatever sort of obscure French, German, or British machine you might be seeking, German eBay seller Goldies-Boutique probably has what you need. The model, who may or may not be "Goldie," shows off an assortment of costumes while posing in a all the standard car-parts-calendar-style poses; we especially like the fetching grease smears on her face in the "Verdammt Citroën won't start!" shot. Now, there's always the danger that Max Mosley took one look at this tall, busty German woman posing in front of a '48 Panhard Dyna in a skimpy cop outfit and immediately bought all 23 Hell Projects… but you never know, you know?
[eBay Germany], thanks to Manic King Of Corinthia for the tip!

Fortunately, that kind of painful decision doesn't really come into play here, because we've got a couple of projects that will take you well outside the realm of what the normals would consider real cars. Dive right in, the fuming nitric acid is fine!

Do you want an innovative single-seat commuter vehicle that runs on biodiesel and gives you roll-cage safety? The kind of car that tells the world you not only march to a different drummer, you've pushed all drummers into a deep pit with spikes in the bottom? If so, we've got the project for you! It's a homemade, VW turbodiesel-powered, fully caged machine, a testimonial in steel to the glory of Pick Your Part's monthly Half Price Day sales. Where to start describing this creation? The side-mounted radiator? The tempered-glass windshield? "Lots of Heim joints"? You'll find plenty more info here. Although the project has two years of work invested, it has been driven only once, for "about a mile." Thanks to Hiroshima Built My Hotrod for the tip!

Commuter vehicle? Bah! The way the economy is going, the only thing you'll be commuting to is Lord Humungus' office, so you might as well grab a few nonlethal automotive thrills now before you find yourself operating the quad-speargun turret on a Holden Kingswood. Wait, did I say "nonlethal?" Let's substitute "possibly nonlethal" here, because this TVR Vixen appears to have a murderous gleam in its eye. A right-hand-drive, fresh-off-the-boat, fiberglass-bodied, built-in-a-Blackpool-shed British sports car with Ford Kent power? Sounds good to us! I'm unable to read the description without extreme mental agony, because it's written in classic EBAY CAPS LOCK STYLE, IN HUGE BLUE TEXT, WITH RANDOM PUNCTUATION, but it appears to be in non-running condition. It's possible that most or even all the parts are present, including a "NEW REAR WINDOW STILL WITH THE PROTECTIVE WRAP," so your only task will be to make everything work. Shouldn't be much harder than fixing up a '74 Valiant, right?

Taking on the Citroën CX Pallas that won the last Choose Your Eternity poll would be akin to dragging a washing machine through a 100-yard gauntlet of meth-crazed chimps armed with tire irons... in other words, a walk in the park compared to the projects we'll be contemplating today. Adopting either one of today's exquisite machines would feel much like donning a wetsuit stuffed with Asian Giant Hornets and climbing into a Drum Debarker filled with burning creosote-soaked railroad ties and radioactive dioxin bottles packed with selenium tetra-azide. But, dammit, they're totally worth the pain!

Much as we love the Fieroborghini, bolting some Italian-looking plastic body panels on a Fiero isn't all that heroic a project (though installing a Cadillac 500 engine and front-drive transaxle out of an Eldorado does get our respect). No, your Fauxborghini needs more sweat, more blood, and a Nile's worth of tears. We're talking about a quasi-scratch-built backyard Countach here, based on a Detroit family car from the 1960s. That means something along the lines of this 1967 Ford-based Lamborghini project (go here if the listing disappears), which could obliterate drop into your life with megaton force for $795 or "an interesting trade option." Why, that price is down in 24 Hours Of LeMons territory (and I can guarantee a great deal of judicial slack when examining the budget of any team with the guts to bring this vehicle to a LeMons race), but we think it would be even more fun on the street. Now, this Fauxborghini- which appears to be have some '67 Fairlane DNA- lacks a few of the features you'd find on the real deal. We're pretty sure that Ferrucio Lamborghini never installed front drum brakes on any of his cars, and the same goes for the leaf-spring rear suspension. As for the drivetrain, it appears to be a Ford Windsor V8 mounted backwards and driving... well, we're not sure. Maybe a V-drive of some kind? A shaft coming off the front of the crank and driving a flipped-over Porsche 944 transaxle? Or maybe this project is meant to be a mid-engined front-wheel-drive car, which would be so completely wrong that it's just perfect! Thanks to Josef for the tip!

You'd be a Project Car Hell God or Goddess for sure, were you to get that Fairlaneborghini into daily-driver condition, but we understand that sometimes you need a generous helping of classic British luxury in your project. No, we don't mean yet another Jaguar, or even a Bentley or Rolls. We're talking Lagonda here! That's right, an Aston Martin-built updated version of the W. O. Bentley-designed prewar Lagondas, a car you have no hope in hell of ever obtaining. But wait! A miracle has occurred, and it has become possible to buy this 1956 Lagonda 3 Litre Saloon in a no-reserve eBay auction. Even better, the current top bid is only $1,000. Really! We're forced to admit that a few flies have found their way into the ointment here; in fact, the ointment is pretty much entirely flies. First of all, the incredible Lagonda Straight Six engine that propelled Aston Martin to glory in the 1950s... well, it's as gone as D.B. Cooper, and probably just as difficult to find today. The seller himself states that this project is "Broken down, incomplete and a restoration project only for the relentlessly ambitious or deranged." But come on, how hard could it be? Just start by getting yourself an appropriately powerful inline-six engine- say, this 2JZGTE/6-speed combo deal, for example- and then start casting and/or machining all the missing trim pieces from scratch. As for the interior, you'd be amazed what $500 will buy you at a Tijuana upholstery shop. No problem!

You know you're not like The Others, yes? Do your relatives discuss you using sentences beginning with "Let's face it…" and stop talking when you enter the room? Of course they do, and you don't want to disappoint in your selection of project car! That's why an easy project- say, a rusted-out Studebaker Commander- isn't for you; skip on past the boring stuff, because you've got to go French or go electric!

Citroën didn't sell many CXs in North America, so the successor to the DS is quite a rare sight on these shores. When you go with a CX, you get many of the nerve-shatteringly complex technologically advanced features of the mighty SM, including the speed-variable power steering and- this should go without saying- the super-smooth suspension hydropneumatique. You also got build quality backed by those masters of administration and harmonious labor negotiations, the French and Italian governments; what more could a car owner ask for? Well, a potential CX owner knows all that stuff, but he or she also knows that these cars don't come cheap… but Bearddevil has found us a deal for the ages: this "77-78" Citroën CX Pallas 2400, priced at- holy shit!- just 500 bucks! Normally, we'd suggest making a 24 Hours Of LeMons car here, but that would be too easy. No, you need to restore this beauty, and you'll need to start by heading over to France to pick up some glass (three windows missing) and all some of the interior components (seller describes the once-luxurious interior as "way crispy"). Does it run? It should run, since it has only been sitting for centuries "years and years." People win the lottery, right? It will never oughta fire right up!

That dinosaur juice is running out, folks! If you go with a fossil-fuel-burner for your Hell Project, you're liable to find that internal-combustion vehicles cost about $900/mile to operate by the time you get it running (of course, at that point you'll be 94 years old and getting around in a jetpack walker, so it won't really matter). Best to be on the safe side and go electric! You'll want to use Plasma Boy's White Zombie Datsun as your role model here, so what you need is a small, light, rear-drive machine with room for plenty of batteries… such as this electric 1971 Dodge Colt (thanks to Belvedere Adrian for the tip). This little Mitsubishi was converted to electric drive by "the old man that built it," no doubt during the Arab oil embargo, or maybe the Iranian Revolution. Yes, it has been sitting for a while, but that's what gives it that super-cheap $500 price tag. Well, that plus the fact that it's a total basket case held together with crumbling Bondo little bit rough… but don't focus on that when you should be imagining those super-rad electric burnouts you'll be doing once it's running. It "ran at one time," according to the seller, who believes that a simple transistor swap might make everything hunky-dory, and that 86-volt motor should have no problem withstanding the 880 volts you'll be juicing it with!

Even with countless real-world cautionary tales to warn us, we persist in being tempted by terrifyingly complex German luxury hot rods of the 1980s and 1990s. Why, even after having all your fingers roasted down to charred stumps by the merest touch of a cheap Porsche 928 or V12 BMW project, when you see one priced at just a grand… well, maybe you won't get burned this time! That's why we can't help but keep returning to these two fine machines, though we've seen them in the Hell Garage before.

This is a photograph of one of the Porsche 928's electrical panels. Looks complicated, doesn't it? The sort of thing that might be a bit intimidating when you have to puzzle out the cause behind some bizarre malfunction… but hey, maybe this 1982 Porsche 928 (go here if the ad disappears) will be 100% reliable for you! Just find a new transmission for it- 5-speed, of course- and you'll be well on your way to building your very own lightweight 928 track car. The seller would like to get $999 for it, which means that this Porsche has depreciated a head-clutching 98.8% (adjusting for inflation) since 1982. How can that be? At that price, we suggest you pick up a couple of parts cars, because what are the odds that all three of your 928s will have the same broken stuff?

You'd enjoy driving that 928, if when you got it in driving shape, but let's say you're in Tonopah Las Vegas (having just taken Nickel Nick's Hot Slots And Guaranteed Ptomaine Free $1.99 Buffet the Bellagio for $17.43 $88,000 at the keno board high-rollers-only baccarat tables) and you spy a couple of scurrilous meth-addicted teenage runaways attractive young ladies (or men, depending on your proclivities and/or gender) who appear willing to do anything for a sawbuck ready for a night on the town. Do you make one of them crawl into the Porsche's back seat, like a rat crawling into a hole gnawed in a hot-sheet flophouse's bathroom baseboard, or do you get yourself a genuine V12-powered four-door car? The latter, of course, and this 1988 BMW 750iL (go here if the ad disappears) is just calling your name! We're pretty sure that BMW's marketers didn't target the 750il at buyers who would refer to their pride and joy as a "nice ass rare car," as this seller does, so we're pretty sure this isn't the car's original owner. There is definitely might be something terrifyingly expensive challenging wrong with the engine, as the seller states in this subtle poem:

its starting to blow white smoke
from the exhaust and
i dunno
if sumthings going bad
thats y im
selling it for so cheap

While you're dealing with that pair of cracked heads minor tuneup, you can start shopping for some really cool-looking wheels, because this seller is giving you the opportunity to choose the most beautiful wheels in the world for your new 750il. That's right, "all u need to do is bring some wheels cause it doesnt have any and then u can take it home."

But we're not talking a boring old Chevy, Ford, or Dodge here. If you're going to go to all the trouble of obtaining acres of deep-pile maroon shag carpeting and diamond-tucked velveteen upholstery, to commission an airbrush artist to create a mural representing an Aztec sacrifice on a Hawaiian beach in a space station, and to hire a 37th Degree Master Bongsmith to craft you a four-footer that matches your chrome exhaust stacks… well, all that effort would be wasted on some dime-a-dozen Econoline or Tradesman. Fortunately, Robert has found us a couple of great vans, either of which would make an excellent starting point for a lifelong deeply fulfilling custom van project. For this, he gets a Project Car Hell Tipster T-shirt (unless he takes a size other than S, M, or L, in which case he'll probably get a random 24 Hours Of LeMons team T-shirt).

Try to imagine that Johnson Messenger CB mounted next to an Octophonic Sparkomatic reel-to-reel deck, in a hand-carved mahogany console. What kind of van would best suit such a setup? Why, a Candy Apple Red Thames Freighter van, of course! We've admired the Freighter ever since seeing this super-original example at the Monterey Historics, but finding an example of Ford's British proto-Econoline is harder than finding a buyer for a foreclosed McMansion in edge-city Bakersfield. Don't give up hope, though, because this 1961 Thames Freighter has a top bid of just $1,200 and no reserve! It starts and runs, sort of, but "the interior needs everything," the brakes need work, and some glass is broken. There's rust. But who cares? Someday it will make this Freighter look subdued!

Ever since we first met the Tempo Matador Hochpritsche, we've had this crazy idea that a full-on custom Tempo or Hanomag van would be the proper way to roll. In fact, a green-themed Tempo Matador, powered by a veggie-oil diesel and sporting a full-body airbrushed rainforest mural, hemp upholstery, and a pyramid-shaped meditation chamber in the back- now that's a custom van! Since most of the Matadors were made with clattery, smog-belching VW air-cooled engines (driving the front wheels), such a project has remained but a dream… until today! Would you believe that this Tempo Matador Diesel van is up for sale? We don't know the reserve price, but we suspect that there's not enough crack in the world to have made anyone feel optimistic enough to set the reserve on this terrifyingly wretched basket-case orphan somewhat challenging diamond-in-rough project much higher than the current top bid of $1,250. The seller doesn't provide any much useful information about this van in his or her description ("I don't know much about it but they are very hard to find in the U.S"). All emailed questions to the seller are answered with the following statement: "The I.D. plt says VIDAL U. SOHN TEMPO WERK HAMBURG-HAMBURG MATADOR ED 1.3 TO FAHRGESTELL-Nr serial # D6303581 wat.2700 lbs 1400." However, there isn't much rust, it appears that most of the glass and trim is intact, and that Hanomag diesel engine might be just a total rebuild a few minutes of tinkering away from rod-knocking roaring into death life!

That means that we need truly hellish contestants in Project Car Hell now, the concentrated essence of Garage Nightmare. Thanks to our ever-vigilant readers, I think that's what we're getting today. What kind of jerk wouldn't want a Lotus or a Porsche 911, especially when either project can be had for next to nothing? Exactly.
Even those who can't stand 911 owners will usually admit- reluctantly- that the car earned its iconic status for some pretty good reasons. Most of us would have a damn good time with an early 911 to hoon around, but those damn Porsche fanatics have pushed the prices well beyond reason. Sometimes, though, someone wimps out up on a totally easy project 911 and puts it up for sale at the kind of price you might pay for a 15-year-old Corolla. Such is the case with this 1972 911 Targa, which sports an asking price of just $2,500. What's the catch, you ask? No catch! All you need to do is provide your own engine, transaxle, glass, fenders, bumpers, wheels, and probably a thousand few other bits and you'll have a fine daily driver you can take to the track on weekends. As PCH tipsterMurph says: "Everybody wants a long nose, prices are through the roof, even in today's market. Take this puppy to California, clean it up a little ( a sawzall will help), pick up some of those pesky mechanical parts and join the vaulted ranks of the R Gruppe!"
That project would be a one-way ticket to Crazy Town lots of fun, granted, but how could you take on a German Hell Project and still hold your head high while other masochists ambitious restorers wake up each morning knowing they've got De Tomaso Longchamp and Simca Chambord hair shirts projects to tackle? That's right, you'd better get yourself a vehicle from one of the three Project Car Hell Überpowers: France, Italy, or Britain! With that in mind, you're sure to appreciate the prospect of not one but two Malaise Era Lotus projects, available in a staggeringly frightening appealing 2-fer-1 deal for the same price as the 911! Yessiree, this combo deal of 1976 and 1980 Lotus Eclats will enable you to look those Longchamp owners right in the eye and dare them to match your taste for self-inflicted pain ambition! The '76 has just 12,000 miles on it, so how bad could it be? Thanks to Dale for the tip!

Not only did Schm provide the tips for these fine- and totally easy- projects, he saved me the work of thinking up the title as well. For this, he gets a Project Car Hell Tipster T-shirt… unless he wears a size other than S, M, or L (which is all I have in stock at the moment). Times must be a-gettin' hard in Piper, Missouri, because both these incredible machines are being offered for sale by the same seller, and each is priced at a how-can-you-possibly-pass-it-by $700. That's right, just seven Benjamins and you could take 'em both home; come to think of it, we're pretty sure you could get a pretty good 2-fer-1 deal and spend two eternities in the Hell Garage!

First up is a trashed solid example of a perennial PCH favorite, the Saab Sonett. You get a fiberglass body, a Ford Taunus V4 engine, and styling that will go perfectly with the IKEA workbench in your garage. We can't tell you much about this '73 (go here if the ad disappears), because the seller is a man or woman of no few words, but it appears that you get an engine, most of the body, and at least three wheels and tires for you $700. Maybe the glass comes with the deal as well! Is there chassis rust? Is the engine frozen solid? Has a feral cat colony deposited 14,000 gallons of high-grade feline piss throughout the interior over the last couple of decades? For 700 bucks, who cares?

We'd all love to have a Sonett, but it's hard to overlook the fact that they're hella a little bit underpowered. Perhaps your manual-pop-up-headlight-equipped European sports car should have turbocharging, and is there any better way to reach that goal than by tearing the turbocharged Ford 2.3 engine and World Class T5 combo from an SVO Mustang and transplanting it into a 1973 Opel GT? Why, you'd have to pay a couple hundred bucks a huge sum for that engine/trans setup alone, and here's a 1973 Opel GT project (go here if the ad disappears) with the SVO running gear for a mere 700 bucks! The engine is scattered all over the garage disassembled, but you'll probably get a significant fraction of the stuff you'll need to make it roar again. The Opel appears to have most of its glass, might not be totally oxidized, and should provide you with a grab bag of agony challenges as you work on Ford-izing the drivetrain. And remember, get both cars and you'll be never be bored again!