Jalopnik: Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton Responds To John McCain's Anti-Celebrity Ad With Reasonable Energy Policy

Ray Wert — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 08:30:00 EDT

Noted car washing and star SLR-egressing celebutard Paris Hilton aired a web video lampooning a negative campaign ad by Sen. John McCain (R-Colonel's Chicken) trying to pin Sen. Barack Obama (D-Paparazzi) as a "bigger celebrity" than Paris or Britney Spears. The tongue-in-cheek video lampoons John "old dude" McCain and Barack "hope machine" Obama through actually proposing a sensible energy policy that merges the energy policies of both campaigns that would include "limited offshore drilling with strict environmental oversight while creating tax incentives to get Detroit making hybrid and electric cars...creating new jobs." Sounds reasonable to us. Full video after the jump. And look, we even managed to not make a "that's hot" joke.

Paris Hilton caught kissing Kasey Kahne? ...

Ray Wert — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 13:15:00 EDT

Paris Hilton caught kissing Kasey Kahne? [NY Daily News]

Paris Hilton passes gas. We know the headline's ...

Ray Wert — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 20:00:00 EDT

Paris Hilton passes gas. We know the headline's supposed to include the word "on," but she's driving a Ford Escape hybrid. [TMZ]

Paris Hilton's cousin Brooke settled her ...

Ray Wert — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 22:15:00 EDT

Paris Hilton's cousin Brooke settled her lawsuit today relating to the 2004 freeway accident she's accused of causing. We can now all sleep easy tonight. [TMZ]

Paris Hilton Back Out Of Jail...Wait...Now She's Back In?

Ray Wert — Fri, 08 Jun 2007 15:15:00 EDT

She's in...wait no, now she's out...no wait...she's back in. Wait, are we talking about her sex tape, or her jail time. We're so confused. – Ray Wert

Paris Hilton Back To Court, Accompanied By Photojournalists [Gawker]
Hilton Ordered Back to Jail! [TMZ.com]

Paris Checks In To Jail, We Lose Easy Jokes For Three Weeks

Ray Wert — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 10:15:00 EDT

As you can see from the TMZ video above, Paris surrendered herself to the authorities out in Cali last night to serve her sentence for violation of parole after her DUI. That means for the next 45 days (23 as long as Paris is on good behavior), we'll be totally Paris-free. That's three long weeks without glimpses of her sliding out of a Mercedes SLR, losing a Bentley (and her top) in a poker game, garage hit-and-run action, DUI-action and losing her Continental GTC to the police. You know, despite the loss of such easy jokes for the next three weeks, we're pretty certain we'll get on just fine without her. Maybe she'll even shiv someone and have to spend the full 45 days. One can only dream. – Ray Wert

Paris Hilton checks into Los Angeles County jail [CNN]

Related:
Paris Hilton [internal]

Bullrun 2007: Paris Hilton's A No-Show In Montreal!

Ray Wert — Sat, 12 May 2007 09:00:22 EDT

We didn't see her last night at the pre-party, and now we're hearing TMZ's reporting that Paris won't be here for the kick-off of the 2007 Bullrun. Apparently that doesn't exclude her from the rest of the stops in the rally, but she won't be here in Montreal today. While we're somewhat ambivalent, we know all of you probably have something you want to add. – Ray Wert

Paris to Still Run with the Bulls? [TMZ.com]

Our God is an Unfair God: Paris Hilton to Drive a Spyker C8 Spyder in Bullrun

Jonny Lieberman — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 14:23:44 EDT

Anybody out there got any new ways to make fun of Paris? We're running low. Though if you watch the video taken by the lovable scamps at TMZ you will notice she employs a 300-pound man to make sure she doesn't spill her latte on her Bentley's soft top. Twit. Anyhow, the good folks at the Bullrun have apparently gifted the dim-witted DUI all-star with a $300,000-ish uber-car that she gets to drive from Montreal to the end of Florida while those of us that legitimately need the car get stuck behind computers making fun of Spinelli's beautiful hair. Dammit. – Jonny Lieberman

Paris Joins Amazing Race [tmz.com]

We're Laughing At You: Paris Hilton Might Face 90 Days In The Hoosegow

Jonny Lieberman — Sat, 31 Mar 2007 13:26:48 EDT

Here's a tip - if you are a mutli-gazillionaire-ess, pay someone to drive you around. Seriously, hire Colin McRae or any of the three Los Jalops that live in LA to hoon you about in your drophead Bentley GTC. So what if Bumbeck fills the rear seats with mid-eighties rising sun spare parts? At least you won't go to effing jail. Or better yet, hire someone whose sole job it is to whisper in your ear that if your license has suspended because you got nailed while driving drunk, it is best not to speed around the Westside at night with your headlights off. Even better, donate all you are worth to stem cell research in hopes that they can find a cure for vapidness, idiocy and awfulness. What's that? Right, herpes, too. – Jonny LIeberman

Prosecutors push to revoke Paris' probation [Associated Press]

Paris Hilton Violates Probation, Gets Bentley Continental GTC Hauled Away In West Hollywood

Ray Wert — Wed, 28 Feb 2007 15:47:04 EST

According to TMZ, everyone's favorite celbrawhore, Paris Hilton, saw her $170,000-plus Bentley Continental GTC hauled away on a flatbed (which Bentley folks tell us is the correct way to have your vehicle towed so as not to void your warranty) yesterday in front of the West Hollywood Virgin megastore. According to TMZ:

"Paris' publicist, Elliot Mintz, tells TMZ the heiress was exiting the parking structure which "is brightly lit so she had not noticed that her headlights were not activated." As she drove a few blocks, she was confronted by other bright lights — those of the L.A. County Sheriff's Department.
Deputies tell TMZ Paris was speeding down Sunset Blvd. without headlights. She was pulled over and deputies discovered she was driving with a suspended license...Paris was cited and her 2007 Blue Bentley was impounded."

Sound to us like Paris was just being Paris. You know, a celebretard completely devoid of a clue. One more picture of the trunk of the Bentley being hauled off below the jump to match Paris pulling some of her junk out of that trunk above. – Ray Wert

Another Paris Driving Mishap [TMZ.com]

Paris Hilton: Still Dumber Than Shit

Jonny Lieberman — Wed, 10 Jan 2007 04:30:32 EST

Man, we were all set to ~~look at porn~~ go to bed when the all-knowing, all-glowing Jalopnik brain alerted us to this piece of pseudo-news. Apparently, she ran out of gas in her new Bentley Continental GTC after leaving a hair salon. That's the new convertible Bentley for those who hate alpha-numeric names. What we hate is that, well, if Team Jalopnik had a 550hp drophead Bentley we wouldn't run out of gas anywhere near a barber shop. We'd be on lap 53 at Willow Springs and the empty fuel tank would save our kosher bacon because the lo-pro tires have about seven-minutes left to live. Fine, we'd on our way to the Morongo Casino for some Poker, but you get the idea. Now, if you'll excuse us, we're beat. – Jonny Lieberman

Paris Hilton wants to run her brand new Bentley without filling gas! [sawfnews.com]

How'd She Get The SLR Back? The Paris Hilton And Friends Post-DUI Video

Ray Wert — Thu, 07 Sep 2006 11:53:15 EDT

We were always under the impression that if you get a DUI, your car gets impounded — even if you're Paris Hilton. We dunno if there's a clause in the law for celebs like Paris — or maybe the law is if you're found guilty — regardless, we don't remember what happened last time. We kid. Either way, we didn't think you could just get someone to pick you up in your own car after you post bail, which is what seems to be happening with celeb-whore Paris Hilton. Is this video proof of another case of the LAPD showing some leniency to a celeb? And who the hell is giggling on the video during the first few seconds of the tape? And most importantly, how does Paris' spokes-whore Elliot Mintz look so calm at 4:00 AM — is it valium, or something more? Whatevs — we're getting bored of the whole story — so can't someone smack up the McLaren or tell Paris to get her freak on? Let's make this salacious, people! [Hat tip to tr!]

UPDATE: Yeah, it's not the SLR — however, then the question is — what happened to it?

Paris Hilton tape [TMZ.com]

The Benz Is The Problem: More On The Paris Hilton DUI

Ray Wert — Thu, 07 Sep 2006 10:15:00 EDT

The New York Times/AP are reporting Paris Hilton was driving her Mercedes-Benz SLR McLaren torque monster when she was pulled over by LAPD last night for "erratic driving." We're surprised the spokes-whore of Hollywood's hawtest celeb-whore, Elliot Mintz, hasn't yet implicated the car in the DUI yet — because if you click the jump, you'll see that the German side of the German-American hybrid's been implicated in all sorts of drunken tomfoolery — even some drunken Wert-foolery. So just so you know Mintz, we've had all sorts of success in blaming them for such things for years. [Hat tip to SwatLax! Hat tip on the jump picture to Mike Austin!]

Paris Hilton Booked on DUI Charges [NYT]

That's Not Hawt: Paris Hilton Arrested For DUI, Claims "Fatigue"

Ray Wert — Thu, 07 Sep 2006 09:18:25 EDT

Late last night, Paris Hilton was pulled over and arrested by LAPD while "driving erratically" in Hollywood. An LAPD spokesperson claimed she "exhibited the symptoms of intoxication" and Hilton performed a field sobriety test, which she failed, leading to her arrest and subsequent charge with a DUI. Hilton's spokesperson, Elliot Mintz, went on to claim that police detected merely the California minimum B.A.C. level of 0.08%, and "[Hilton] was driving home from a celebrity appearance at a charity event where she only had one drink." When asked what happened to cause her erratic driving...

...Mintz claimed his celeb-whore of a client "spent the day shooting a music video and...[driving while looking drunk] was probably the result of an empty stomach and working all day and..." — wait for it — "...being fatigued." Ah, the good ol' "fatigue" excuse — works every time. No word on whether Hilton also verbally pummeled ociffers with anti-semitic slurs, or whether there were sexual favors offered — though if either happens, we'll be on it faster than Hilton on a bacardi and diet. [Hat tip to Zerin!

Paris Hilton charged with DUI [CNN]

Paris Hilton Sued In Non-Hit-And-Run Car Crash

Ray Wert — Tue, 13 Jun 2006 09:35:00 EDT

One of us remembers that time when our parents were out of town on vacation and we decided to cut loose. It was all going fine until we made the mistake of taking Dad's Porsche out for a ride and accidentally drove it into the river. Wait a second...maybe that was 'Risky Business' — we can't remember...all of the 80's was such a coke-induced haze anyway. The point is we know what it's like to accidentally get into trouble with someone else's car — just like Paris Hilton's cousin. Apparently, Brooke Ashley Brinson identified herself at the scene of an accident in Los Angeles as Paris Hilton's cousin — and she was driving a Mercedes registered to Hilton. According to the lawsuit obtained by our friends at TMZ:

"Traffic began to slow down and all vehicles came to a stop for traffic ahead...the defendant's car failed to stop, causing a chain collision involving four cars...and causing serious injuries"

The plaintiffs' ~~shyster~~ ~~ambulance-chaser~~ lawyer was quick to point out that he's just looking for "just compensation" for his clients and their bumped bumper — which is why he's looking for a quarter million for each plaintiff.

Paris Hilton Sued In Car Crash Case [TMZ]

Paparazzi Left Paris Hilton Dazed And Confused After Car Crash; Momentarily Forgot Name And Address

Ray Wert — Mon, 12 Jun 2006 08:50:00 EDT

So it looks like the young and dumb and full of fun socialite, Paris Hilton is now claiming the reason she didn't leave any contact information, despite California's statutory requirement, after her hit and run last week was because she was momentarily dazed by the flashes of the light bulbs and shouted questions of the paparazzi. Which begs us to ask — does this mean if she weren't followed around by the paparazzi, would she be a frickin' rocket scientist? Just wondering.

Hilton Admits Car Accident [Teen Hollywood]

Paris Hilton's Hit And Run: Breaking The Law Twice In LA

Ray Wert — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 17:38:40 EDT

Paris — this is what happens when you spend too much time worrying about what you and your BFF Kim Kardashian just bought and not enough time looking in your mirror at the rapidly approaching Honda Civic. Luckily, it was merely the Range Rover you smacked the crap out of — and not your Mercedes SLR. But we would've thought you'd learn after your problems earlier in the week. Apparently ya haven't, because as our friends at the HuffPo point out earlier today:

"Paris Hilton hit a parked car causing damage, then left without leaving a note — a violation of California law, and it's all on video.
It happened Thursday...Hilton says good-bye to Kardashian and starts to back out of the parking spot without her seat belt on — another violation of law."

That's so not hot!

Paris Hits and Runs Again... [Huffington Post]

So How Exactly Is Paris Hilton Handicapped?

Ray Wert — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 10:51:21 EDT

We're one of the first people who grumbles whenever we walk past a handicap parking spot and see some Prada-wearing and Gucci-carrying trophy wife unable to walk the extra 30 feet from her Hummer to the door of the local Whole Foods. We mean, come on — why do we get the hassle from the 5-0 when we're not coming to a complete stop at a deserted intersection, but a man in blue ain't around for li'l miss when she gets out of her car. That being said, somebody please tell us why Paris Hilton is able to do what today's Page Six claims:

PARIS Hilton looked able-bodied last time we looked, but she's been parking in a space reserved for handicapped drivers. Residents of a posh Los Angeles apartment complex that's home to her boy toy, Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart, say every time she visits, the celebutard thoughtlessly pulls into the handicapped spot...

Maybe "celebutard" is a Los Angeles-only disease — does this mean she'll get a telethon? Of course if it's not — we can't wait for the pics of her SLR getting towed!

PARKING PEST [NY Post]

Paris Loses Bentley in Poker Game, Somehow Keeps Clothes On

maustin — Fri, 28 Apr 2006 18:37:09 EDT

Okay, we're sorry for the second Paris Hilton post in the same day. But don't go reach for the sanitizing wipes just yet — there is still no evidence that herpes can be contracted electronically. Anyway, young Paris loves poker. She loves it so much she can't help herself from betting away her Bentley Continental GT. That makes us feel better about our overpair getting stacked to a flush draw last weekend at Motor City Casino, but that was a few hundred bucks — this is a $165,000 Bentley. Rumor has it that Ma and Pa Hilton have barred her from their Vegas casinos. Click the jump to see a NSFW uncensored close up. That's hot.

Paris Hilton Loses Bentley Bet [LasVegasVegas.com]

A Paris Hilton Type Dilemma: Getting In And Out of That New Mercedes SLR

David Thomas — Fri, 28 Apr 2006 17:24:10 EDT

We're not quite sure what's more interesting/disturbing about this set of photos. There's the fact that Paris Hilton looks puzzled and takes some time and wrangling to close the doors of her new $400,000 car. That's pretty disturbing/expected. But we can also marvel at that fact that the Mercedes-Benz SLR's scissor doors allow the stickpole skank to park that close to a Ferrari 360 Modena Spyder and still get in and out of her car. Or maybe we're just incredibly turned on by the hard time she's having — either way, we'll show her how those flappin' doors work — after we give her a similarly hard time.

Photos via The Superficial

Related:
Paris Does McLaren: Hilton Gets an SLR [internal]

Paris Does McLaren: Hilton Gets an SLR

Mike Spinelli — Wed, 15 Mar 2006 15:15:54 EST

Somewhere, probably in Switzerland, some postmodernist philosopher's computer predicted this day would come. Think about it. If you dumped every single cultural cue over the past three years into a computer and ran every possible combination, the odds of Paris Hilton showing up at a Los Angeles restaurant in a Mercedes McLaren SLR would be about 97% (with Brad and Angelina a solid 100%). Now that it's happened we feel kind of nauseated.

Paris Hilton gets a Mercedes SLR [Leftlane News]

Adventures in Inebriated Nitespot Decamping With Paris Hilton and Her Greek Lover!

Davey G. Johnson — Thu, 10 Nov 2005 20:30:36 EST

Woe to us for ignoring our Angeleno brother, national treasure and soon-to-be-neighbor Defamer for a few days. Paris Hilton's latest Greek God (don't make us tell the old "No matter what he says, don't turn over on your wedding night" joke), Stavros Niarchos smacked a Continental GT-load of partiers square into the back of a truck early Wednesday morning while attempting to leave LA nightspot Element. The po-po, quickly on the scene, didn't administer a sobriety test to Niarchos, instead sending the crew on their merry way with a fare-thee-well. Meanwhile, we get our asses handed to us for doing sixteen over on the way to Canter's for a sandwich in a rented Grand Prix. Like Randy Newman, we fucking love LA. [Internal]

Paris Hilton's Late Night Wreck [Defamer]

So Not Hot: Paris Hilton Snubbed by Valet for Messy Land Rover

Mike Spinelli — Sat, 23 Jul 2005 22:48:55 EDT

A Beverly Hills valet refused to park Paris Hilton's Land Rover recently because it was a mess, the London Daily Record reported this week. "Company policy" prohibited the valet — who, not quite ironically, worked for an upscale car-cleaning service — from handling the SUV, reportedly cluttered with magazines, make-up, handbags, junk and (please hold for Dr. O. Gross) "a lot of underwear." [Update: FYI — it's from the Glasgow Daily Record, not the seemingly fictional "London Daily Times." Remember kids, friends don't let friends drink and post.]

The Razz: Paris Hilton [The London Daily Times via. The Superficial]