Just let the fucking clutch out already!

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We hired some designers to doodle a car using an inverted color scheme because it looks way cooler that way. Then we had to use computers to get an idea of how it would look in 3-d without being too cartoony. That got turned into a clay model because we were out of Play-doh and we swiped some foil from the kitchen to cover it and pretend it was a real metal car. We made sure every line conveys power and controlled aggression, because our anger management therapist wouldn't let us do uncontrolled aggression. We're trying to keep a couple familiar details, like the grille, while making the whole design MOAR EXTREME.

We decided to put the wheels at the outermost corners because we thought it might throw off the balance and stability to have them all clustered under the center of the car. We're very proud of the creases and negative surfaces, which can only be formed by hand because humans are much better at working sheets of metal than machines which were built to do just that. The rear body section is amazing because it's one big piece of metal, but then we had to cut out some bits because we realized the lights and spoiler weren't working so well.

We are very concerned about keeping a good balance of lift and downforce, so much so that at speed, flaps shut off airflow to two of the radiators to reduce drag! I mean, whatever they're cooling probably doesn't need it when the car is being driven fast, right?

The interior shows off the carbon fiber monocoque because we couldn't find a material appropriately snooty enough to cover it in. For seats, you have your choice of the 10-way adjustible seat from the DB9/Vantage, or a new lightweight race seat in S, M and L (no XL though, so American fatties need not apply).

We also know how important light weight is in a sports car, so we'll show you how it stacks up against three of the tubbiest supercars we can find: the SLR McLaren, the Reventon, and the Veyron. It does quite well against them, and allow us to remind you of all the time and effort involved in making the carbon fiber parts to keep the weight down. Those damn skilled laborers aren't cheap, you know.

Unlike other supercars, the One-77 has taken your needs into consideration, and we've given you a space behind the seats to store your travel accessories, dead hookers, or dress bags. We know how inconvenient it is to maneuver dead hookers over the seats from the inside, so we gave the car a hatch to access the space from the top so you can just drop them in. Note: unless you have very skinny hookers, there will probably only be room for one at a time.

The engine is a real piece of work, evolving from the current 6.0l V12, but we decided not to use any of the parts from the current engine because a car this expensive shouldn't have recycled parts or engineering. It is fitted with an automated manual transmission because we don't trust you rich bastards not to fuck up a regular manual.

The suspension will automatically lower the car at higher speeds, because we don't really understand physics and think that by putting the body closer to the ground, it will reduce the size of the cross-section pushing through the air. Well, it'll look cooler, anyway.

We are using one HID for the front lights and LEDs for everything else because they last forever and we're sick of the reputation British cars have for having electrical gremlins. Plus, LEDs are little and they can fit in the thin wraparound light bar on the rear. This car's got a great ass, people! Unfortunately, having that many lights to play with got our engineers all excited, so you'll need a couple pages with pictures to interpret what the car is doing by how the bar lights up. Make sure you give copies to every single person in the world so if they happen to be driving behind you in traffic, they'll know what the patterns mean.

We've also given the car a 1000 watt sound system so you can drown out the voice of that annoying bitch in the seat next to you. It's not your fault she thought she could squeeze her fat ass into the size S racing seat, right?

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Ahem.

Picture, picture, picture, picture, picture, random swear, picture, picture, picture, picture, picture, picture, picture, picture, picture, picture, swear-word, picture, picture, picture, picture, picture, picture, picture, picture, picture, picture, picture, picture.

How'd I do?

I think engineerd is better at this than I am.

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