Jalopnik: Nsfw

2009 Pirelli Calendar: Elephants And A Whole Load Of NSFW

Ben Wojdyla — Tue, 25 Nov 2008 12:00:00 EST

It's that time of year again, when Pirelli sends aspiring Playboy photographers out on calendar assignment, letting them dream up ridiculous ways to photograph nude or nearly nude models in exotic locations. What this has to do with the business of selling tires we have no idea. Whatever, nekkid ladies! Hit the jump for a large and VERY NSFW gallery from the 2009 Pirelli Calendar.

'When did they make 2009 a year of 28 months?' you ask. They didn't, but Pirelli, bless their hearts, threw a lot of the images that didn't make the final cut onto their website. The things they do to sell tires. Speaking of which, we were thinking just now about how Pirelli's are a superior tire in every way, and a brand that adds not only performance, but style to automobiles. Wait, what the...? The marketing! It works! Nooooooo! [Pirelli (NSFW)]

The Booth Professionals Of The 2008 SEMA Show

Ray Wert — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 10:30:00 EST

Two days ago we asked you to pick your choice of "booth professional" using a comparison from last year's SEMA-stained gallery of booth saleswomen from the tire section of the Specialty Equipment Manufacturers Association show to the more conservative flesh-baring of Geneva, Paris and Detroit as our lede. Now, we've put together a bevy of booth professionals from this year's SEMA show for you to find out if your "choice" made the cut. So take a gander — perhaps you'll answer differently after taking a look at this year's batch of tire-selling sales professionals. Or not.

Photo Credit: Dean Chandler

Who Would You Chose As Your Corporate Booth Professional?

Matt Hardigree — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 11:30:00 EST

We've always found the booth professionals of SEMA to be less than classy (NSFW). Though there's been a general trend towards more conservative booth babes, the average tuner still seems to think they need scantily-clad ladies to sell tires. It is borderline offensive, not in the sense of the objectification of women but because it assumes most custom car buyers are 12-year-old boys. Pretend that you're in charge of selecting the talent for your company's SEMA booth, as if you were that lucky. Who would you chose?

If it were a Jalopnik booth, we'd definitely put Wes & Ray up on the block. If it was for a company in the automotive industry we'd probably pick both a man and a woman in an attempt to reach a wider audience. For a young woman we'd look for someone classier, perhaps with an Eva Green sort of look. And she'd be fully clothed. For the sharply dressed gent we'd consider someone like Colin Firth. That man can wear a sweater...

Frank Zappa, Automotive Stylist: The Penismobile!

Murilee Martin — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 11:00:00 EST

Maybe you've seen Frank Zappa's excellent 200 Motels a thousand times by now- in which case you're probably unable to form a coherent sentence- but this sequence involving Flo & Eddie (non-Mothers Of Invention freaks might know them better as the guys who brought us 'Happy Together') behind the wheel of the Penismobile was left on the cutting room floor for some reason. We think more cars should have eyelashes on their blinky headlights.

Now that your coworkers already think you're a Bad Person, you might as well confirm all their worst suspicions by watching this bit that made it into the movie.

What's The Best Porn Star Car?

Matt Hardigree — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 11:30:00 EDT

The sad news that Deep Throat director Gerard Damiano passed away yesterday brought out the interesting fact that the film brought in more than $600 million, profits domestic automakers wish they'd see. It is also a reminder that, post-Deep Throat, the adult-entertainment industry blossomed into a serious money maker, rewarding stars with enough scratch to buy the car of their dreams (before blowing the money on coke). Jenna Jameson used to tool around in a Murcielago before upgrading to a Rolls Royce Phantom, but we think this is perhaps because she's sold out to mainstream culture. For many many many reasons, none of us will be appearing in an adult film anytime soon. But, if we did, we'd need an awesome car to match our new profession. Assuming porn-gotten dollars and pornographic taste, what would be the best porn star car?

There are few people that can get away with owning a Zimmer, let alone a Zimmer Quicksilver, but we think porn stars are on that list. Combining the neo-classical styling of Zimmer with the solid underpinnings of a Fiero, it looks like it belongs in a pornographic film. Seriously, halfway through fueling it up we'd be tempted to pull out the nozzle and spray all over the hood.

When you picture a porn star, clothed, what kind of car do you picture them driving? This isn't Penthouse so we only want to hear about their daily drivers not anything else you think they do during the course of a normal day.

QOTD is your chance to answer the day's most pressing automotive questions and experience the opinions of the insightful insiders, practicing pundits and gleeful gearheads that make up the Jalopnik commentariat. If you've got a suggestion for a good "Question Of The Day" send an email to tips at jalopnik dot com.)

Commenter Of The Day: The Happiest Internship On Earth

Matt Hardigree — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 17:40:00 EDT

We had a friend who did the "Disney World Internship" program only to discover that, as most of us had already figured out, it was just a form of cheap labor for the big mouse. Seriously, they pay people somewhere around minimum wage by calling them all "actors" and put them to work doing low level work such as operating rides, making food and working information desks. You live in housing provided by the company, you eat their food and you travel in their buses. It isn't like the NBC page program where you get a nifty blazer and get to fetch snake food for Tracy Jordan or the Jalopnik intern program where you get to drive the Mini Cooper Clubman S. We think it is a sweet gig, though dearthair thinks that particular job came about because the rest of us passed on it.

Personally, I would be more excited by the "fully-fueled" than by the rest of it. In fact, the "Clubman" part almost operates as a counterbalance: "On the one hand, it is fully-fueled..."

Why do I get the feeling this was Ray playing evil genius with the Interns: "Fuck. MINI gave us a Clubman to test. God, I don't even want to go near it. Wait! I know! You! Intern-peon beneath my desk spit-shining my socks! How would you like to do a road test?"

"Oh please sir! May I really? I'd be so honoured!"

"This is a big opportunity for you, boy. I'm giving you quite the privilege! Not everybody gets to do things like this! Siler even has to pay for his own gasoline!"

"Oh boy! I promise I won't let you down! Oh yes, sir, please, let me have this chance!"

"Very well, boy. Here are your keys. It's the silver Clubman outside."

"Clubman? Fuck! Can't Hardigree do this?"

Hey, it beats dressing up like Goofy and having kids vomit on you all day.

Renault Formula One Team Director's Wife Shows Off Her Assets, Her Chest Assets

Matt Hardigree — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 23:07:05 EDT

Just in case you thought we only cared about Formula One when someone gets electrocuted or has kinky sex, we have a story that proves this isn't true. We also care when owners' attractive significant others go topless for magazines. In this case it's Elisabetta Gregoraci, the special lady of Renault Formula One managing director Flavio Briatore (who already knocked up Heidi Klum), wearing sheer clothing for Spanish mag Interviu, a publication known for showing boobs in between stories about international currency fluctuation and the politics of the modern Madrid. The Not-Safe-For-Work photos below the jump.

At this point we feel like we maybe owe Formula One a few positive stories about people involved in the sport. Look, one woman who happens to be someone's wife. That's like six kinds of improvements over recent stories. (Thanks to Alejandro on the tip!)

[Intervie via MachoChip]

Senna Hits Stray Dog, Ends Day At Turkish Grand Prix

Ben Wojdyla — Sun, 11 May 2008 19:30:00 EDT

We watched the first part of the Turkish Grand Prix this morning and after the first corner featured some serious car over car accident action and the Ferrari/Mercedes slap fest, we got a little bored and sought out better things to do with our Sunday. Our mistake. We missed the Bruno Senna stray dog destruction derby. Yep, Fido (do wild dogs have names?) and a friend wandered onto the track. Fido's friend escaped but Fido wasn't so lucky, and ended up being struck by Senna's right suspension. Both the suspension and the dog found their end. Yeah, Felipe Massa may have won the race, but we definitely know who lost. Poor, poor Fido. This video is not safe for members of the ASPCA, small children or anyone else with a strong dislike for seeing dogs accidentally run over on a track. [Eurosport and Youtube]

Henry Ford Was A Dragon, Liked To Fuck Cars

Ben Wojdyla — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 14:20:00 EDT

In addition to being a dragon and having the alias of Sandy Wong, apparently, according to the Kids in the Hall, Henry Ford didn't seem to like the Jews so much. Who knew? [Kids In The Hall via Funny or Die]

Penis Car Is Something To Get Excited About

Travis Hudson — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 15:30:00 EST

Excited? Get it? It's because it's an erect penis! This moderately NSFW clip involves a young chap, two ladies and one hell of an unfortunately sub-compact penis car capable of becoming aroused. I'll have to admit, I was mildly surprised by the uncircumcised nature of the penis car. When modifying a car to look like a penis is the religious or cultural nature of the family taken into consideration? [Via]