Residents of the Spanish burg of Santiago del Teide are in a tizzy over law-enforcement agents making with the sexual action in patrol cars while on duty. Apparently, these officers enjoy the protection of the mayor, while other cops feel left out on the cold; reprimanded and punished for arriving late for work. According to the regional independent police union, there's little chance of change, as the mayor's got plenty of family in town, which means many votes in the upcoming elections. If Tom of Finland were still alive, we're sure he'd be on a plane for Spain right now — even in the rain. – Davey G. Johnson

Sex on duty: dirty tricks in panda cars, protection in the town hall [Tenerife News]

Related:
Sex With Wheels: British Mechanic Shags Cars [Internal]

D'oh. This one makes our squidgy bits hurt. (Note that we have no idea what "squidgy bits" are, but it seemed an appropriately British thing to say.) Apparently, flying motorists who handed their keys over to valets at Pink Meet and Greet under the assumption that their vehicles would be kept in a secure compound are arriving home to a quagmire being handled by the British Airports Authority. After an expos aired on the BBC accusing Pink employees of dumping cars in locations like supermarket parking lots and building sites, as well as racing customers' vehicles, the company shut down and handed off a box of keys with very little information to BAA officials who are now trying to track down the machines and return them to their owners. Not exactly cricket, is it, chaps? – Davey G. Johnson

Car choas [sic] as parking firm ditches keys [The Argus, UK]

Related:
Les Rues de San Francisco: Parking Violations On The Installment Plan [Internal]

From the WTF? File comes this tale from Louisiana of a babysitter who dangled children, ages two and three, in front of oncoming traffic. Apparently, 25-year-old Michelle L. Tyler, charged with the care of the two girls, held the tykes out in front of passing cars; once she realized that no motorist wants a toddler-cake on his or her windshield, she attempted to ignite the kids' clothing with a cigarette lighter. Taken into custody, she then tried to kick the windows out of the police cruiser. She had recently gone off of some unspecified medication. Next time, Michelle, might we recommend that you dangle yourself in front of traffic instead of innocent children? Fackin' feck. We've got the jibblies big-time. – Davey G. Johnson

Baby sitter accused of dangling children in front of cars [International Herald Tribune]

Related:
The Long Bus of the Law: Jail on Wheels [Internal]

POW! He was decapitated. They found his head over by the snowcone concession. A few days after that, I open up the mail and there's a pamphlet in there, from Pueblo, Colorado. And it's addressed to Bill Jr.

Woman accused of using infant as car down payment [CNN]

Related:
I've Noticed This Peel P50 Can Also Be Worn as a Hat! [Internal]

As a public service note to our readers, we offer you the following security tip. If you happen to be driving through Moscow and run across three naked, attractive gamines washing each other on a public, man-made beach, feel free to stop and watch. But make sure you lock your car first, as the scene could well be a ruse to drop your jaw while nefarious rapscallions abscond with your vehicle. Seriously. They ganked like dozens of cars like this in one fell swoop.

Russian strippers steal cars [Reuters]

Related:
Tempest in a D-Cup: Will Australia's Gold Coast Metermaids be Swept Away? [Internal]

So we can't say that we endorse Omed Aziz' actions. The Iraqi native was busted by British coppers for driving in what the chairman of the bench at Warley Magistrates Court termed "a dangerous, defective state." Why? Well, apparently, Mr. Aziz has no eyes, having lost them in a bomb blast in his homeland. What's more, he's hard of hearing and was being guided around by an unlicensed driver. Officer Stuart Edge, who pulled Aziz over, tells a snippet of the tale, "I asked him if he could see me. He removed the dark-coloured sunglasses he was wearing and I could clearly see he was blind as he had no eyes." Man, that had to have been be a bit creepy.

Blind man was 'dangerous' driver [Internal]

Related:
Blind Driver Sets Speed Record in a Maserati [Internal]

Tight pants may have come into vogue in rock 'n' roll when musicians realized that by keeping the package well-insulated, they could show off their manhood and then later insert it into groupies with less worry of large child-support bills. However, now a German doctor is saying that heated seats may actually be a more powerful anti-male-fertility agent than a pair of ball-huggers. On average, the seats raise the testicular temperature three degrees above normal, leading to more common instances of slow and misshapen sperm in men who spent much of their time in the hot seat.

Heated seats in cars blamed for low male fertility [The Raw Story]

Related:
You Should See What Happens When She Shifts Into Second Gear! [Internal]

Pity the Bourgeois. No, really, pity him, for David Bourgeois' Mini Cooper was towed from his Brooklyn street after somebody put up a fake "No Parking" sign. Bourgeois got dinged $205 just to get his car back (Wow! NYC's even more of scam than San Francisco!) and then still has a $60 dollar parking ticket to deal with. Officials say they'll try to dismiss the tickets, but somehow we don't think the tow yard will be so lenient.

Fake 'No Parking' sign suddenly appears...and cars disappear [Kansas City Star]

Related:
Nuts to You, Motorists! Tow Yards in Texas Not Refunding Money [Internal]

This dog-obsessiveness has to stop. Look, we've been a dog owner, and some dogs are really, really amazing creatures. However, that does not mean that they are mentally or physically equipped to operate a motor vehicle on public roads. This, however, did not stop a Mongolian woman known only as Ms. Li from attempting to teach her canine to drive, resulting in some measure of a fender-bender. This anthromorphization of pets has gotta stop before somebody gets killed. After all, dog is a dog. A duck is a duck. But a cat is a person. [Thanks to prplhaze for the tip.]

Woman Crashes When Teaching Dog to Drive [Newsday]

Related:
Redneck Yellowjackets Practice Urban Renewal in '55 Chevy [Internal]

Giant Nests Perplex Scientists [Montgomery Advertiser]

Related:
Stefan Eriksson Finds Lawyer in Alabama [Internal]

You know, we've of course come out vocally against speed cameras, but Francesca Cisneros of Chandler, AZ simply does not give a fuck about them. Or at least, she didn't used to. After racking up 69 speeding tickets since March, all but five of which were camera-capture citations, Cisneros faces eleven large in fines and may be looking at jail time. Reportedly, she told investigating officers that she thought it perfectly fine to throw the tickets away. Wow. We're out of florid descriptors for that level of stupidity. Readers? [Thanks to TexansAreHot for the tip.]

69 tickets? Yes, I got 'em — and threw 'em away [MSNBC]

Related:
Disgruntled Motorist Blows Up Speed Camera [Internal]

That is all.

Ted Stevens, Internet Expert, Goes National [Wonkette]

Related:
More News: Weird [internal]

Mary Stone of Ogden, UT, was the victim of a vehicular assault perpetrated by a canine officer of the law. The dog, Ranger, was left in an idling pickup truck while his handler responded to a domestic disturbance call. Ranger then knocked the vehicle into gear, which ran down Stone as she checked her mail. She remains hospitalized with a cracked pelvis and coccyx. No word on whether Ranger faces disciplinary action at this time. [Thanks to Scott for the tip.]

Dog blamed for hitting woman with truck [Contra Costa Times]

Related:
Teenage Kicks: 15-Year-Old Rams Police Cars in Stolen SUV [Internal]

We will never write a headline this good as long as we live: "BA man arrested for working on cars naked." "BA" of course stands for Broken Arrow, the locale in which James Barnett was practicing his nude wrenching. According to the bit on KTEN's website, "Police say Barnett's only explanation is that he was very hot so he took his clothes off to cool down." We suppose he couldn't wait any longer for the wind to come sweeping down the plain.

BA man arrested for working on cars naked [KTEN]

Related:
Young Mooninites: FL Woman Busted For Letting Kids Flash Motorists [Internal]

...they were driving away from a bar in Milan, MI when Brenda had to go to the bathroom. Her husband let her out by the side of the road and drove up aways. When Stephen Humphrey returned, he claimed he found his wife in a ditch, missing an arm. Brenda then told police another car had hit her. Monroe County, MI Sherriff's Lt. Dale Malone was a bit skeptical:

"From the get go, that's not a story we believed...there's evidence to believe the car was involved in a crash..."

We're not really sure what tipped you off Lieutenant. Was it the fact that the two of them were reportedly blitzed when they came into the hospital, or the fact that they still haven't found the arm? Or, could it be that the story is totally ludicrous?

Wife's arm not found; man to be arraigned [Freep]

Related:
Romulan Woman Out a Limb, Husband In Custody [internal]

This isn't quite as creepy as the severed-head story from a few weeks back but our jibblies are in full effect, y'all. After leaving a bar in Milan, MI, Romulus woman Brenda Humphrey allegedlly needed to relieve herself, so husband Stephen supposedly dropped her at the side of the road and continued driving, only to return to find her lying in a ditch, missing an arm. Authorities say that they haven't recovered said limb, and that when interviewed seperately, the couple's stories don't match up. He could be facing domestic violence charges. We just involuntarily shivered.

Wife's severed arm leads to arrest of Romulus man [Detroit Free Press]

Related:
Is the Severed-Head Crash the New Brokeback Enzo? [Internal]

PLEASE HELP ME GET NEW BOOBS!! [eBay.co.uk]

Related:
Buy a Condo, Profile Like Magnum, See Painted Boobs [internal]

Bear dines on pizza and beer in vintage car near Tahoe [MercuryNews]

Related:
Peacocks Attack Cars in Texas Neighborhood [internal]

Whoopsy-daisy! Our tabloidian brother Sploid reports that a police officer in sleepy Hugo, Oklahoma (Hugo! OK! Football! You bet!) got busted by a fellow citizen who shot a photo of a partially-clothed woman leaning in the driver's side door of a police cruiser, presumably performing some sort of sexually-oriented act on the officer inside. The shot made the local paper, and authorities summarily fired the officer for bringing "reproach and discredit" upon the department and the community.

Cop Fired for Front-Seat Action [Sploid]

Related:
Sgt. Smirnoff Goes For A Ride: Vodka-Swilling Boston Homeless Man Steals Police Car [Internal]

You in the UK call it a digger. We here in the United States generally refer to it as a backhoe. A relative of ours was rebuilding a cottage in the countryside; he got a grant to do so on the condition that one wall would remain standing. Once the rest of the house was razed, one of his workmen accidentally backed a digger into it, and he built the new wall out about four feet farther. But that's nothing compared to this bloke in the UK who took down his landlord's house with one.

An unidentified trailer-park lessee of James Harvard's apparently became rather disgruntled with the management, acquired a piece of heavy construction equipment, lowered the machine's bucket onto Harvard's two cars and then proceeded to smash into the house for about ten minutes, and according to eyewitnesses, doing so in a very calm manner. He was booked on attempted murder and criminal damage. Let's lynch the landlord, indeed.

Man wrecks house, cars with digger [CNN]

Related:
Teenage Girl Steals Bus, Crashes it into 16 Cars [Internal]