Jalopnik: New Zealand

Runaway Car Knocks New Zealand Man Off Toilet, Ruins Reader's Digest

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 08:30:00 EDT

A man in Christchurch, New Zealand was enjoying his evening porcelain meditation when all of a sudden he had an unexpected visitor in the form of a four-wheel-drive truck (not pictured). Let this be an important lesson that, when parking on a hill, you need to engage that handbrake properly. Also, don't put your bathroom on the bottom of thirty-foot-long hill. Police said the vehicle belonged to a contractor next door who was a little displeased to find out that said truck was suddenly parked in someone else's house. Our favorite part below the jump.

From the article:

When the home owner was asked how the builder might be feeling, he reportedly said: "What about me? I got knocked off the toilet. I got a hell of a fright."

Seriously, it scared the crap out of him. [News.com.au, photo Photobucket]

Man Dies In Accident While Wearing Fake Seatbelt

Ben Wojdyla — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 17:00:00 EST

It seems that fate is indeed not without a sense of irony. A New Zealand man with a history of fines for 32 seatbelt violations died in a car accident last week. Death came as a result of injuries incurred when he struck the steering wheel after crossing the center line and colliding head on with an oncoming vehicle. The coroners report makes note of...

a fake seatbelt which was installed in such a way as to be laid across the chest, thus fooling passing motorists and police into believing he was wearing the safety device properly. The coroner went on to say the likelihood of survival was quite high, had the man been using the ubiquitous restraint. We're left wondering two things. First, do you imagine the last thing through his mind was a realization of the necessity of seatbelts? And two, how high this fellow will be on the 2008 Darwin Awards nomination list. [International Herald Tribune]

Get That Damn Car Off Of The Hill!

Murilee Martin — Fri, 25 Jan 2008 12:15:00 EST

Remember the still photos we saw of Ken Block hooning his WRX on a New Zealand mountain in the company of a bunch of snowboarders? Well, courtesy of Connor (who also gave us some great LeMons in-car video, now we get to see some video of the hoonage, all set to a Primus soundtrack. Sure, the feel of the video is on the ragin'-dude snowboard-meathead side, but remember: New Zealand is where hoonage began!

New Zealanders Know Detroit Auto Show is the BIG One

Ben Wojdyla — Sat, 12 Jan 2008 00:01:00 EST

Despite recently aggressive posturing from the LA and New York Auto Shows, everybody knows the Detroit Auto Show is still the big kahuna in the North America, even Kiwis. New Zealand based Motoring.co.nz lays out some of the statistics of on of the Motor City's greatest assets in a recent article. Statistics like "enough carpet is laid in the Cobo convention centre to blanket 750 football fields and the exhibits alone will be worth $200-million". That's right! When it comes to carpet, we can lay it down like the best of em. We can't wait to trample all over that perpetually bumpy and treacherous statistic starting on Sunday and you can follow along easily with the RSS feed. If we trip, you'll know about it.

Boeing 777 Races Johnny Reid in A1 Black Beauty

Ben Wojdyla — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 15:45:00 EST

We knew Top Gear's Bugatti Veyron vs. RAF Eurofighter race would spawn more stunts in the same flavor, but we didn't see this one coming. Organizers of the upcoming A1 Gran Prix in Taupo, New Zealand arranged for a Boeing 777 to take on Johnny Reid in his Black Beauty A1 racer. The first heat saw the big Boeing win with a handicap, the second was even odds and race car easily spanked it's opponent. Makes us wonder how something like the Thrust SSC would do in a race like this. [TV New Zealand]

Two Dead As Horse And Car Collide On Highway, No Mustang Jokes Please

Matt Hardigree — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 15:15:00 EST

A sad story from New Zealand as an odd horse v. car accident resulted in the death of two (three if you include the horse, which was mercifully put down by the police). The accident happened along State Highway 35 near Opotiki on the North Island of New Zealand after a horse, being ridden by a teenager, bolted from the sand dunes and onto the highway, where it was crushed by an east-bound car. It was the 15th car-related fatality in New Zealand over the holiday.

Neither the driver of the car, nor the driver of the horse, walked away from the accident. No word on the cause of the crash, other than horse + highway, though road policing manager Inspector Carey Griffiths said it wasn't "your typical crash," which we're guessing is some kind of humorous New Zealand understatement. [The New Zealand Herald]

Woman Keeps Test Driver to Avoid Heat

Matt Hardigree — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 15:00:00 EST

In New Zealand, stealing a Mitsubishi Mirage carries only a penalty of 100 hours of community service if you've got a good excuse. A mother from Tauranga decided to test drive the Mirage after looking at a few cars and just decided to not come back because it was "too hot to walk." Having lived in Texas for most of our lives, there were times we'd have test driven an Aztec just to avoid the heat.

The car was found a day later by a salesman and the woman handed over the keys and tried to sneak away, but was found by the police with the help of personal documents she left in the back of the car. The lightened sentence was due to the fact this was her first crime and, you know, stealing an old Mirage isn't that big of a deal. [NZ Herald]

Kiwi Driver Wins Five-Year Battle With Police

Matt Hardigree — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 16:30:00 EST

As if getting thwacked by a speeding police van wasn't bad enough, Steve Brown of Auckland, New Zealand was charged with careless driving despite making a legal maneuver. The police investigated and initially offered to just forget the whole thing, admitting there was no blame, but he was eventually fined for poor driving. Not content to let his clear driving record get besmirched, Brown spent half a decade and thousands of dollars defending himself in court.

Though the High Court finally ruled in his favor, clearing his record and requiring the police to cover some of his costs, Brown is planning to complain to the Police Complaints Authority. Seriously, do not try and get anything past this guy.[NZ Herald]

It Had To Happen: Customized Thames Freighter

Murilee Martin — Mon, 03 Sep 2007 14:00:20 EDT

Once we saw the mighty Thames Freighter van at Laguna Seca, we knew: someone, somewhere, had turned a Freighter into a full-on 70s-style custom van. Sure enough, crazy New Zealander Colin Cowie has created The Sorcerer from his Thames Freighter. We can practically hear the strains of Frampton Comes Alive from here! [Van Association of New Zealand]

Nelson's Balkan Campaign: Athens to Tirana

Davey G. Johnson — Sun, 13 May 2007 17:00:00 EDT

For once on the Gumball, I woke up in a bed. After a long day's journey into night and Athens, Herr Roy decided he wanted to be as close as possible to the M5 and booked a block of rooms at the Sofitel in Athens, rather than taking his room at the Hilton. A French cameraman was booked into the M5 for the day, riding rear-seat shotgun next to a spare wheel and Ross and Roy's excess baggage. Alex texted me to invite me down for breakfast with Fly and Jarod DeAnda. The morning was quiet and jovial, highlighted by Alex and I engaging in an impromptu game of Star Wars trivia one-upmanship that left Fly and Jarod gobsmacked at the sheer geekery. Then the text came in: the cars were ready to go.

We bolted for the rooms to pack. Alex had been requested to take Julie D., the on-the-ground French go-to girl to Tirana for a meeting with the Albanian president, who was reportedly hopping mad about the rally's delay. Then word came down that there was only one sheet of paper to get the non-EU cars out of Greece and into Macedonia. Julie was shuffled into another car. I ended up in a Sharan for the second day in a row. Most of the cars had fled the parking lot by the time we figured out how to divide up all of the gear in the Sharans to accomodate the necessary five passengers in each vehicle. I ended up with a snowboard for an armrest.

Meanwhile, a lone F430 sat in the parking lot, having been offloaded from the Antonov and parked, but missing its crew. They showed up right as we departed and followed us to the nearest Shell station, where we loaded up on goods and engaged in the first battle of what became known as Crewball 3000, making sure we found and pulled into the first diesel pump available.

At the fuel stop, I got to know the crew, headed by Nelson, a level-headed, no-bullshit Kiwi who'd owned multiple Mitsubishi Evos. We quickly dubbed the rest of the guys in the car Mandela, Ricky and Lord, while I ended up with the appelation of Horatio. Little did we know that a few hours later, our Crewball successes would be rendered as unfortunate as the Battle of Trafalgar was for the famed British Admiral.

With the Fezza guys in tow, we promptly got lost on our way to the tollway, but eventually figured out what we thought was roughly the right direction to Tirana. Meanwhile, the Ferrari guys had decided we were complete tools and went their own way. Pulling up a tollboth, we asked the super-pretty attendant with the tiny little diamond stud in her nose and the bright blue eyes how to get to Albania. She told us Exit 8 was the way to go, and we put our faith in that hottest toll attendant in recorded history. She did us proud, and once out of Athens we pushed the Sharan to 1.23 Fly, marvelling at the rolling, well-maintained roads with long sweepers, gradual-but-dramatic elevation changes, and simply brain-melting scenery. We all remarked that it was absolute supercar heaven; the perfect place to wring out an SLR or a Ford GT.

A couple of hours out of Athens, Nelson called out "Chivvy!" I didn't get what he was talking about. "The orange Chivvy!" he repeated. We'd come up on the '55 Chevrolet rolling on meth-addled Center Lines. We went by them as they cruised at a steady 80, taking it easy due to cooling problems. Just ahead, we pulled up behind a Mercedes SLR and a Carrera GT that would suffer an untimely end on the road to Bratislava. We relieved ourselves on the side of the road, shared some smokes and in due time, a certained mid-engined child of Enzo rolled up. The look on their faces was crestfallen. They couldn't believe that a Volkswagen people-carrier built in Portugal, loaded down with five corndogs and a ton of gear could have possibly been ahead of their Maranello-crafted machine of the highest order.

We, on the other hand, couldn't believe those schmoes were so entirely inept at navigation. Team Polizei, for example, was already in Albania before we left the Athens city limits. Giggles ensued in a bit of class-warrish smugness. Nelson climbed a wire fence with bare feet.

After making it to Larissa, which we all agreed is a hot girl's name, as well as a very neat town, we crossed up into the hills of Greek Macedonia on our way to the former Yugoslavian republic of the same name. Nelson mentioned that the landscape reminded him of New Zealand. Hobbit jokes flew. Regardless, it was the prettiest thing we'd seen yet, even trumping the coast of the Agean Sea, where in 334 BC, Alexander the Great utterly beat the armies of Persia.

We rounded a bend and were confronted with exposed male asses and a Honda Civic Type R with a camera rig mounted in the back. We stopped and conferred with the crew, had a few smokes and admired the view. Suddenly, someone spotted the Sharan that was supposedly a half-hour back coming toward us. We made with the rapid muster and piled back into the van, narrowly getting out of the turnout and up to speed on the two-lane road before they would've been able to get passed us. Dan, of Istanbul-to-Athens fame rocked a sublime pass, stranding us behind a truck. In the distance, we saw blue lights and prayed it wasn't the camera crew in tandem with wishes that the Greek police had hauled in the other Sharan. A couple of minutes later, we spottedn their Sharan on the side of the road, watching the flashing blue lights in the distance. We pulled up and blocked their exit. After a bit of chat, a group photo was called for.

Ricky did a runner. I followed. The rest followed me. In order for Mandela to get into the third row, Ricky ended up sitting on top of his folded-down seat for a harrowing minute or so. Then the message came in. Either the Chevy or the Escalade had crashed. Everything was confusing. The 'Slade ended up being okay. We decided one of the vans should go back for the Chevy guys, 45 miles behind us. But our vans were overloaded. Nelson argued that Gumball should have somebody there, even if we couldn't give them a ride. Then The Call came. Nelson ordered (as much as he had authority to order) the other van back to the Chevy boys, saying, "We've got another assignment. It sounds pretty bad." Within the next 45 minutes, I began to get sick. We grabbed dinner at a gas station near the Macedonian border. Old men sat around smoking in the mini-mart. We wondered why we couldn't get oregano-flavored chips at home. Nelson derided Red Bull as poison. I smoked nervously.

Eventually, after hearing that the other van had made it into Macedonia without incident, we gave it a shot. Somewhere in the night, we picked up the Kuwaiti Murcie, who'd been diverted to Thessaloniki due to some goof with their CoPilot GPS system. We also ended up with a Porsche 911 in Ivy Hotel livery from California. We passed a Maser with a tire problem that we couldn't help. We stopped for gas and saw footage of Morley's accident on TV at the gas station. We decided that the faster we got out of the country, the better.

Arriving at the Albanian border, we were informed that the UN escort we were promised to Tirana was done for the the night. Instead, we were to be led to the Albanian capital by a hyperserious off-road dedicated Land Cruiser and a VW Bora police car. While we were waiting at the border, the Turkish Taxi pulled up. We assumed that the convoy would be headed up front and rear by a police car. And in the spirit of the Gumball, we took up the rear position behind the Turkish Taxi, a vehicle that could take 45mph corners at roughly a third of that speed. Black humor crackled throughout the Volkswagen. One bridge was identified as leading to the Death Prison; distinct from the one leading to the mere Rape Prison. The darkness, the fact that we were supposed to be escorted by the military and instead got something that wouldn't have looked out of place at the Great Southern Crawl and the fact that we were stuck behind this great lumbering beast of a minibus while the rest of the pack had long-since pulled away started to eat at us. Then we got lost.

Somehow, somewhere, in some city, the Land Cruiser and the Polica Rrugorre Bora found us. The pretty, weathered, curly-haired Albanian woman asked if anyone needed a smoke. Having lost my pack of Davidoffs, I replied in the affirmative and she tossed a box of 18 Marlboro Lights through the window. We took off before I could hand them back to her, following the police car, leaving Kamal and Alikanur with the 4x4. We hit Tirana around 4am, having missed Prime Minister's proclaimation, "No guest is ever late in an Albanian house." Instead, I slept on a makeshift terrycloth mattress. The next morning's shower was a luxury I forced myself to indulge in. – Davey G. Johnson

Pukekohe Raceway Mashup

Mike Bumbeck — Fri, 11 May 2007 16:00:00 EDT

The third round of Australian V8 Supercar wrapped up long enough ago for this mashup to surface from the New Zealand leg of the circuit. V8 Supercar returns. Now with more lawn mowing and flame throwing than ever. – Mike Bumbeck

Related:
V8 Supercar Prodigy Mashup [Internal]

Happy Boss's Day, Walt: The Post-It Note Jaguar

Ray Wert — Thu, 19 Apr 2007 09:20:29 EDT

We know from tipster Sean's e-mail that this was the boss's car, and other sources tell us it was a car parked at the wireless company InPhonic. Other than that we've no idea what "Walt" did to deserve the post-it treatment, but he's probably glad the office got an extra box from 3M rather than a few more shipments of white-out. Just sayin'... – Ray Wert

Related:
More Weird News [internal]

Drunk Dad Passes Out While Pumping Gas

Matt Hardigree — Tue, 27 Mar 2007 16:45:00 EDT

I can only guess what issues Wes Anderson has with his father, but I'm fairly sure the senior Anderson has nothing on this delinquent dad from Auckland, New Zealand. With his two year-old girl in the car, he drove into a local gas station and attempted to pump gas. Nothing strange there. But, allegedly, he was so drunk (four times the legal limit) that he fell asleep midstream next to the car. When he woke up 40 minutes later, the bad dad was in police custody and his car was being hooked up to a tow truck. Let's all just be thankful that this story ended with incarceration and not immolation. – Matt Hardigree

Tot Saved As Dad Flakes [Daily Post]

Kiwis And Steak Sauce: Germany's Nico Hulkenberg Takes Double Win In New Zealand A1GP

Ray Wert — Sun, 21 Jan 2007 15:47:48 EST

Although you're probably more interested in the "grid girls" — Team Germany's Nico Hulkenberg took the double win in Taupo, New Zealand, running in first place from start to finish in both the morning Sprint race as well as the afternoon Feature race. The win times two puts Hulkenberg's highly precise team firmly in the top spot in the "World Cup of Motorsport" standings. The nation of Bruce now has 65 points going into the next race in Sydney, Australia on February 4th, firming up the lead over new-to-second-place France with 46 points and the new-to-third-place hometown boys from New Zealand with 43 points. Coincidentally, that's also how the three nations finished the Feature race, allowing the 80,000 and some-odd crowd to bear witness to the first A1 Team — New Zealand's Jonny Reid, obvs — to place a driver on the podium in front of their home crowd. Still, the comment of the day's got to go to Germany's Hulkenberg, who told us everything we could ever want to know about the steak sauce man-love as he described the race:

"I got into my rhythm, I was able to find my pace and I could make a little gap between us. My manager was a little bit sick this week and I think I have caught something off him but I am all right."

Next time maybe Nico should use some protection, because the rhythm method's not going to protect him from nasty bugs — or even unintended pregnancy for that matter. Full gallery of the race — including the always awesome "grid girls" — below, courtesy of A1GP. – Ray Wert

Ad Watch: "Happy Together" with Toyota's RAV4

Mike Spinelli — Tue, 26 Dec 2006 11:43:46 EST

For my money, there's nothing like domestic violence for sheer comedic value. Saab covered this ground a few years back with a TV spot that pitted a blatantly bougie couple against one another, in a valiant effort to wrest first dibs on a 9-5. Now, it's Toyota's turn. While you might find fault in this New Zealand spot's me-too status, you simply must have to admire its comic virtuosity and level of destruction. Even the achingly obvious use of the Turtles' "Happy Together" adds to the injurious gestalt. Points off for bowling-ball abuse. – Mike Spinelli

Toyota: Happy Together [TBS Funny Ads]

Related:
More Ad Watch [internal]

Schadenfriday British Edition: Tover

Jonny Lieberman — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 17:45:00 EST

Look, we here at Jalopnik love Top Gear. By proxy that means we love Jeremy Clarkson. Which means that we take his weirdo "global warming is bollocks" opines and Britannica Over All Others nonsense in stride. Sometimes he's even right (about the latter). Like the time he said Alan Shepard was the first American to ever do anything the Brits hadn't done first (full disclosure — we're British on both sides of the family). But what Jezzo always fails to own up to is that when England goes wrong, they go so fucking far a field it's nauseating. The above Tover is blood pudding proof. Yeah, it's got a 3.5-Liter Rover V8 like 92% of all British cars do, and that's it. The builder claims to have, "Surprised many would be boy races at various traffic light controlled intersections." Um, old chap, in the Tover, even if you win, you don't win. All the Fieros rebodied to look like Countaches in the world do not equal this unforgivable sin. Oh crap, it's from New Zealand? Somehow, that makes sense. A thousand apologies, Mr. Clarkson. – Jonny Lieberman

Dan Flower's Tover [constructorscarclub.org.nz]

In The Grip Of Steak Sauce Grand Prix Man-Love: Kiwi Reid Wins From Pole To Second Checker Flag At Sentul

Ray Wert — Sun, 10 Dec 2006 13:08:04 EST

That's the hero of the day, New Zealand's sweat-soaked Jonny Reid, being grasped by a man we can only assume is his pit chief in what we can only assume is a hetero cele-brah-tion after Reid picked up the pole on his way to a victory for the boys and girls from Aotearoa during this morning's 15-lap sprint race. The win was the first ever for New Zealand in the "World Cup of Motorsport," but the celebration didn't end with the pole party above. Because in the steak sauce Grand Prix, they give you a second race, a "two-fer" if you will. Reid's sprint win gave him the pole for the Feature race — which he went on to dominate as well, giving New Zealand it's second win in A1GP racing. Sounds like a reason for the man-love to us. As for Team USA — driver Phil Giebler, after an inspiring fourth place finish in the morning's 15-lap, continued the American team's quest for slowness, coming in a man-love-less 9th place — but only after the disqualification of Team Netherlands allowed USA to move up one spot in the final results. Full race-day gallery below, if only because it gives us the chance to show you a picture of two Canadian men wearing shorts in a rickshaw. – Ray Wert

Nevermind The Neutrality In Sepang: Swiss Steal Pole Position From New Zealand And Germany

Ray Wert — Sat, 25 Nov 2006 20:48:12 EST

A1GP qualifying results are in from Sepang, and A1 Team Switzerland's Neel Jani's sealed his second straight pole position in the Malaysian Grand Prix, beating out Kiwi Jonny Reid and the highly-precise German racer Nico H lkenberg by only two tenths of a second. Team USA's Philip Giebler came in at the middle of the pack, placing 11th in this week's race of the "World Cup of Motorsport." The results determine the starting positions for a 20-minute sprint race starting around 11:00 AM local time tomorrow. If anyone's left who hasn't crashed on the oft-soaked Sepang track — then the results of that sprint race will determine the grid for the 70-minuite feature race set to commence at 3:00 PM local time tomorrow. Wonder if NASCAR should maybe switch to that format — It would certainly be a way to add some excitement, eh? We'll have more coverage pending any spectacular crashes and/or death-defying (or non-defying as it were) racing, as it occurs. UPDATE: Now with updated and correct picture!– Ray Wert

A1GP Sepang International Circuit, Sepang, Malaysia [A1GP]

Related:
Lola 'Surprised' by Champ Car Panoz Choice [internal]

We Don't Need No Stinkin' Windshield: Hooning on an STi-ATV

Mike Spinelli — Fri, 15 Sep 2006 08:19:44 EDT

Imagine blasting around New Zealand on an ATV powered by a rally-tuned Subaru STi engine. We got hip to this face-warping toy last year, but this is the first video we've seen of it in action. Apparently, Kiwis have this Race to the Sky thing, where all manner of radical four-wheelers blast up some middle-earth mountain or other — and this is likely born from such craziness. And ok, Subieheads, that really is one sweet-sounding engine. [Thanks to Jose for the tip.]

Related:
Subaru STi-powered ATV [internal]

Ad Watch: Kim Cattrall's Too Sexy For New Zealand, Nissan Pulls Tilda Ad Campaign

Ray Wert — Mon, 24 Jul 2006 09:41:00 EDT

Though the ad above isn't the truly offensive commercial, it's one of four featuring the former "Sex and the City" siren and sex-pot that've been pulled from the New Zealand market by Nissan over complaints they're overly sexual. In the double-entendre laced ad we unfortunately don't have, Cattrall gushes to a car salesman:

"Why didn't you tell me it was so big, I just wasn't prepared for it? The all-new Nissan Tiida makes you feel really, really, really good inside. Ah! That was amazing. Absolutely fabulous! I mean the great body and the way you moved it."

New Zealand's actually pretty lucky. They missed the "Directors Cut" of the commercial where the salesman then goes around to the back of the car and spanks it. Nissan's saving that one for the Aussie market.

Nisan Pulls Hot Car Ad With Kim Cattrall [ABC News]

DOD to Evaluate Gibbs Amphibious Vehicles

Davey G. Johnson — Mon, 19 Jun 2006 21:30:00 EDT

The Department of Defense is looking south of the equator for new amphibious, personalized-type landing craft, having signed a development contract with New Zealand-based Gibbs Technologies to evaluate mil-spec versions of their Aquada, Humdinger and Quadski vessel/vehicles. We're wondering if the SEAL-carrying Aquada variant will carry a large set of speakers that blare the "Miami Vice" theme to strike fear in the hearts of beachfront men with RPGs. Meanwhile, we still want a DUKW with a GMC MotorHome body grafted on.

Undisputed Attitude: Miata Spots Apparently Not on NZ TV

Davey G. Johnson — Mon, 01 May 2006 22:54:43 EDT

Reader Peter hipped us to these MX-5 ads that supposedly didn't make it past somebody's Standards & Practices board. The first one's our favorite, but both made us giggle out loud. For anyone who grew up on Herbie flicks, this'll rank as good stuff.

Related:
Mazda Turns the Pump Into the Pusherman [Internal]

My Eagle Claw Will Defeat Your Parrot Stance!

Davey G. Johnson — Tue, 07 Feb 2006 08:48:12 EST

Okay, this is from last week, and we haven't heard about how effectively the plan panned out, but organizers of a vintage car rally in New Zealand brought in a 40-member karate club to defend the pricey relics from attacking Keas, parrots with exceptionally sharp beaks and a penchant for shiny objects. Why this immediately reminds us of the scene in The Story of Ricky where Yukari Oshima somehow materializes out of the ground and kicks a dog in half for no good reason is obvious. Well, to us, at least.

Karate experts hired to protect cars from parrots [Guardian Unlimited]

Three-Point Belts or No?

Davey G. Johnson — Thu, 02 Feb 2006 13:02:39 EST

Authorities in New Zealand are wrestling like Sgt. Slaughter and Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat over whether to make a three-point belt retrofit mandatory in the nation's cars. While we feel much safer buckled in across the chest as well as the lap, the cost of re-equipping cars that originally featured only lap belts could be prohibitive for many Kiwis. And besides, if having three-pointers installed on your older car is so important to you, you'll have 'em regardless of law.

By the way, the reason we were compelled to post this is that the litany of injuries incurred by people wearing only lap belts read like something from a Slayer lyric sheet. To wit:

"Beyond an impact speed of 30kmh, the human body becomes a missile. Aortas tear, so they are ripped out of the heart, the organs smash against the ribs and rupture, and brain smashes against the skull and becomes pulp. In some accidents, body parts are torn away on impact but other bodies look relatively intact because you can't see the damage inside."

Ripping apart! Severing flesh! Gouging eyes! Tearing limb from limb!

Okay, sorry. Our teenage-regression Metal Moment has passed. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled dose of Cannibal Corpse.

Better seatbelts do not make older cars much safer [Stuff, NZ]

Kiwi Cops Have No Patience For Even Mild Hoonage

Davey G. Johnson — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 18:45:56 EST

John Rae, New Zealand bidnessman and proud owner of a CLS 55 AMG, decided to impress his wife and mother-in-law with a display of the car's obscene power. Unfortunately for Johnny Boy, the po-lice saw his little stunt and picked him up 45 minutes later. But it gets worse under NZ's anti-hoon legislation, the man's car was impounded. Rae claims he lost traction, but given Merc's penchant for e-nannies, it seems that the poor dolt must've turned off his traction control. Oops.

Businessman insists wheelie unintentional [The New Zealand Herald via eMercedesBenz]

Related:
Hoon of the Day: Bling Bling Money, Hell Yeah! [Internal]

Build Your Own Buzz-Bomb Dragster!

Davey G. Johnson — Thu, 22 Dec 2005 15:35:44 EST

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Brandon, for tipping us off to such a completely insane-o site. Generally, when people think about pulsejets, if they think of them at all, it tends to be in context of the world's first cruise missile the WWII German V-1. But there's a man in New Zealand who's apparently obsessed with the things. He's got a pulsejet-powered go-kart, and now the loon's gone and built hisself a 180-lb dragster powered by two of the buzzy beasts. What's more, he'll even teach you how to build your own no-welding-required engine. Screw rebuilding our moped's two-stroke we're just strappin' one of these things to it. The sound's close enough, anyway.

My Jet Engine Projects

Related:
Hoon of the Day: Swiss Rocketman [Internal]

'Stupid Hoons' Arrested After Reckless-Driving Vid Hits 'Net

Mike Spinelli — Fri, 21 Oct 2005 18:12:43 EDT

One caveat, if you're planning on using that helmet cam to record yourself ~~being a tool~~ tooling around: the resulting video can be be both entertainment and evidence. Police in New Zealand arrested a bunch of "stupid hoons" who posted a three-minute video clip to the Web that included them making repeated attempts at a four-wheel drift in a Subaru — apparently converted to full rear-drive — before slamming the car into a tree. They're getting community service, though the car is already beyond help. [Thanks to Stephen for the tip.]

Internet home movie helps nab hoons [Stuff (NZ)]